By Herbert Mtowo
Marriage and Seasons
A couple of hours prior to writing this article I was talking to a lawyer close friend of mine to be. She said,”Herbert,I am sacred to getting married in case I get the wrong person in my life.”I said to her that’s not the solution, maybe because of what she sees and hears in the corridors and courtrooms, whereby she sees people who once said until death do us apart, brutally killing and wounding each other beyond imagination. What she sees and is experiencing miles from my beloved country Namibia, seems like we are just having the same nightmares and experiences. Though she is thousands of miles away in Zamibia,her fears are what have griped everybody on planet earth. Whether to marry or not to marry.Annita my good friend in Zambia has the same fears like you and me are going through in other countries and continents. I said to my good friend Annita,”Me and you have a greater responsibility shouldered upon us, to correct the wrongs and make this generation hope in marriage again. I personally tend to think and conclude our mind set is the problem, I still stand to be corrected on this one. Marriage is a give and take life commitment. But most people get into marriage for the wrong motives, to have someone make them happy, to be loved when they can’t give back the love. It`s not just a you taking out, but what are you prepared to give to see your relationship last a lifetime? Am pulling no punches here, we don’t have any excuse to have mediocre relationships and marriages. We can best understand marriage by understanding the seasons that we have in life, and prepare accordingly for each season as it comes. We must prepare ourselves for all the seasons in life as much as we prepare for all the seasons in marriage. Let’s talk about the four seasons of marriage: Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter. Usually we think of marriage as a relationship with our partner but it can also be the state of marriage solely within us called “the inner marriage.” The inner marriage is an intimate relationship with our self. We need a strong inner marriage of love, appreciation, understanding and respect for our self in order to experience the serenity, joy, and connection attainable in an outer marriage. Spring of Marriage is when matrimony begins. We are often young and overflowing with boundless excitement, optimism and desire. We start this first phase believing – unconsciously – that our partner is here to save our life and fulfill every expectation we ever dreamed possible. We are full of projections. In this early stage of development we rarely see the essence of the man or woman before us because we are so blinded by the light of the mythological god or goddess who blocks our view. We take our wedding vows, “Please heal me of every pain and love me forever.” Well, we didn’t say that but that’s what most of us thought. It’s a young and hopeful dream. We are in love and often madly so. Summer of Marriage is when we often bring children into the world. These precious little ones fill our lives with love, fun, pressure and (ugh!) adult responsibility. As the children grow, husbands and wives may argue that the spouse is not who we thought they were! We may even wonder if we are who we thought we were. Enter the mid-life crisis. It can be a stressful time of struggle. Later in this phase of the marriage cycle children will fly away from the carefully constructed family nest and into their brand new lives, just as their mother and father did. Husbands and wives now begin to surrender and let them go, albeit a little sadly. It’s an emotionally healthy and necessary choice. “Sunrise, sunset, swiftly flow the days” go the words from Fiddler on the Roof. No wonder that song makes so many couples cry. Then we look around. It’s so quiet. The voice of Spirit whispers, “Something needs to change.” We think the something is our mate. “If only he…, if only she …,” Eventually we recognize it is not our mate but we who must change. We begin to understand that the inner marriage is of monumental importance. We commit to know yourself again. This commitment provides immediate insurance not just for us but for our couple relationship. It feels good. Understanding this inner marriage also makes boundaries clear, “I stop here and you start here.” Sometimes people are fearful that introspection might separate them. It could, but at least it’s honest. When we work to connect the inner marriage with our outer marriage we begin to appreciate the real glory in our spouse. We also begin to see the first authentic wrinkles of responsibility for our own life, too, and we begin to grow up. Of course, sometimes it doesn’t all work out and couples do separate permanently. But if that should occur at least each party has the satisfaction of knowing who he or she is and can apply it non-defensively for the good of the children and grandchildren involved. Not every relationship was made in heaven. Autumn of Marriage is all about transition and change. We watch our children raising their children. We graciously step back and let them live their own lives. We give them space when they need it. We throw our arms around the joy our grandchildren bring and pitch in whenever we can help. Watching our families grow is so full of wonder we want everyone to stop growing! But respecting time’s natural rhythm – especially when feeling astonished – helps us move right along with the changing tides as we consider what we want to do with our life now. Some want the pleasure of work, some the pleasure of play, and some want a combination. Being open to every new idea will see us through. That is key, keep it fresh. Winter of Marriage is when we enter into the final season of marriage with another or with ourselves alone for death or choice or fate may have put us there. So we pray for everyone’s good health. We are reflective and thoughtful. We live in our souls more. We recognize and give thanks for all the important moments in our life and for those we’ve met along the way who have helped us to transform, evolve and grow. We look forward to any final gifts of grace this season will provide. We reach for our partner’s hand or put our hand over our heart to touch the symbolic hand of our inner partner. At what season is your relationship or marriage, and what you going to do during this season? Prepare for them seasons before they come. Regards, Herbert Mtowo “ Start feeding opportunities and starve problems in your relationship……”
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