Now You Want And Sex?
Follow up to driving your partner away unknowingly
By Herbert Mtowo
It is time for another role play story. Perhaps you will be able to relate to this one.
Herbert had been really busy at home. He had so many things that needed to be done, that he sat in front of the computer, night and day. It seemed like he would stay there all day if he did not have to go to the bathroom at times.
When his wife, Joanna tried to get his attention by speaking to him, he would reply without even looking away from the screen. She was sure that he did not even listen to what she had said, and she could prove it too. When she later asked him about something she had said to him, he looked at her with a blank expression that showed he had not heard a word.
When it came time to go to bed, Joanna needed to feel her husband cared and she wanted to share some of her problems with him. But by the time he finally switched off the computer, he was so tired that he just climbed into bed and fell asleep. He just seemed to give priority to what was important to him, and did not care at all about her needs.
Herbert in the meantime, was really under pressure. He so wanted to have time out with his wife, and to enjoy some quality time with her. But he felt he could not do that until all this work was out of the way. So he pushed even harder to get it all done.
But it seemed to never come to an end. And when he finally got done on the computer, it seemed there were dozens of things that needed to be done in town and things that he had promised to do for friends.
Over a period of days, the continual pressure of this began to bring up a hardness in Joanna’s heart. And when he had finally finished what he was doing on the computer, and then proceeded to spend hours out of the house doing other things, this hardness began to turn to bitterness.
When was he going to put her first in his life?
Herbert on the other hand, saw that his wife was losing her patience, and he was a bit annoyed. Surely she realized how important these things were? Could she not see he was working hard for her benefit also?
Finally it was all over, and Herbert at last had a chance to take a break. Now he could give more attention to Joanna, and he suddenly realized that he had been so busy that they had not had any intimate moments for several days.
Looking at her sitting at the dinner table, he realized how lovely she really was, and suddenly he felt a surge of passion rising up in him. He wanted to take her in his arms and make passionate love to her, and show her how much he loved her.
You can see by now that an explosive situation was about to develop.
Herbert was thinking, “If I can make love to Joanna, I can show her all the love and feelings that I have for her.”
And Joanna was thinking, “Who the heck does he think he is? He ignores me for days, and now suddenly when he wants sex, he expects me to jump for him.”
Your experience might have been different, but I am sure that you can identify with this situation in some way. So I would like to explain to you now firstly, why this happens, and secondly how you can go about using this knowledge to help your marriage/relationship.
First things first. Let’s understand one of the main differences between a man and a woman.
NO, I am not going to discuss all of them, because it would take about a year. But I want to look at just one of them. I want to discuss the different ways in which a man and a woman view the sexual relationship. And perhaps this will help explain why men seem to want sex more than women at times.
Here is a simple definition of the main difference between the way men and women see sex:
1. A woman sees sex as being the natural result of having her emotions stirred in a good way. Until she has been treated lovingly and tenderly, a woman is not ready to make love.
2. A man sees emotion and tenderness as being a natural result of having his passions stirred in a good way. Until he is stirred sexually, a man is not ready to show emotion and tenderness.
Of course, if you are motivated by the love of the Lord, this can all change. A woman can in love submit to her husband’s love making, even when she feels she has been neglected or treated badly. And a man should be able to show emotion and tenderness even without any sexual passion or arousal.
But even without the love of the Lord ruling in your heart and marriage, it is possible for the situation to be changed if one person will make a move in the right direction. If the woman submits the man will begin to show her the love and tenderness she wants. If the man learns to first show love and tenderness, his wife will gladly submit to his desires for sex. Take not submission isn’t what most men think it to be. This has become a real problem, because most men misunderstand it, such that most women, have also become reactionary to the mention of this word. I have a separate article just dealing with this topic alone.
The point that I am trying to make here, is that someone has to give first. It is a lot like dealing with bitterness, where both sides may be wrong. Someone has to take the first step to bring about forgiveness. And when it comes to the sexual side, someone has to make the first step in bringing about the closeness and tender love that should go with sex.
Who then is the one who should make the first move?
The man or the woman?
Here is the answer to the million dollar question. The one who should make the first move is…
You can try to make excuses and say,
“Well how can I be expected to give him sex if he has treated me so badly?” or,
“How can I show her tender love and emotion when she won’t even let me have any sex?”
The answer is easy – because the principles of love say so…..
Now at the end of the day, if both of you are failing in this area, then you will continue to grow further apart, and your marriage will suffer. Is this really what you want?
Let me show you what it can lead to if you are not careful.
1. A woman whose husband never shows any emotion and tenderness will sooner or later get it from someone else. And when this happens, she will begin to be attracted to another man who makes her feel good about herself. The thought of having an affair might never even enter her mind. But the temptation will come, because that is how a woman is stirred sexually.
2. A man whose wife continually resists his sexual advances will sooner or later find a woman who will admire him and make him feel good about himself. And though he has no intention of being unfaithful to his wife, his passions will be stirred up until they are out of control. All it will take for him to give in to temptation is one more refusal from his wife.
The sexual relationship in marriage is very important. Instead of using it as a weapon against each other, why not use it the way the God intended. As a wonderful gift and ability to express your deepest love to each another.
And remember the word of God says,
“It is more blessed to give than to receive.”
You might find that if you give first, it will not only be your partner who will be blessed, but you will also receive far more than you expected. You might receive the thing you have been wanting the most from your spouse. It is always important to realise that its not always that we all want sex so much at the same time, there are times the other likes it and the other doesn’t want to. You should both learn how to find your way to get there without doing it just for duty sake. Sex is one thing that human beings should all admit, we all have sexual needs, and they are meant to be met than starved. Money and sex are two important topics iin relationships that really need to be given utmost importance when dealing with them or they can both cause the destruction of the relationship/marriage.