A deeper loook at unfaithfulness

A deeper look at unfaithfulness.

I hope you are all good and basking in love. We have written several articles that have to do with cheating, affairs and unfaithfulness one way or the other. You will agree with me that this is a real thorny issue when it comes to relationships, whether you are married, just started dating or about to get married, this is a very delicate matter. In this article I will try to put more emphasis on the causes and the solutions. The  requests I get to elaborate more and give more information on this issue, makes it clear to me that this is a big issue. The past four or five articles are inter-woven, and the main thrust has been put on recovering and moving on as an individual, after a failed relationship or marriage. The bottom line about unfaithfulness, is a clear cry for help on the part of the one who has strayed. Human beings don’t just confide by word of mouth, but one of their most effective ways of communicating is through body language. So next time you find yourself in bed with another men’s woman or another woman’s men, please don’t mistake it for love. It never was nor will be. Dig deep into that life you will discover that there is pain, heartache, loneliness an emptiness and longing ness, because of a discord in the relationships. Its a cry for help, and not for sexual intimacy. Human beings are emotional creatures, who are very sensitive to want to be loved, but many schooled be taught to give love as much as they want to be loved. Read this with me and hope this answers a lot of questions about your partner, for the good.

 I give glory to God that most of the articles if not all get responses that show that they are appealing to the very issues people would have been or are currently going through. So we thank God that, these articles are practical and helping people in their time of need and despair. Cheating, affairs and infidelity cause more pain than perhaps any other relationship problem because of the loss of trust and betrayal that is involved. When somebody cheats on you they abuse you and disregard your feelings – it is as if they have thrown a bomb into the relationship. It can seem impossible to re-build a relationship after an affair, but I want to show you that this is possible, by explaining why most affairs happen in the first place. I will describe how an affair is an echo of a similar pain-filled, heartbreak from much earlier in our lives. If an affair has ended your relationship already, it s important that you know  how you can move forward in your life and make sure that this never happens to you again.

People cheat and have affairs when one or more of their needs has not been met in their current relationship. They are trying to use somebody else to heal them so that they do not have to face their own fears and insecurities. The need might be for sex but the chances are that this hides a much deeper need for love and acceptance. They may have felt that their relationship had become stale and boring and suddenly another person offers excitement, a new beginning and love. Of course, this is rather cowardly, but you must never forget the power of our needs. To feel adored and loved by somebody is a like a drug to somebody who does not love themselves fully.

Taking  a deeper look about affairs, you will realize that, they are about competition and inequality which is picked up when we are very young. To understand how this happens, let me  use Sigmund Freud’s ideas about Oedipal relationships. The renowned scholar, based his ideas on the famous Greek myth of Oedipus, the young prince who had been fostered as a child and did not know his parents. Later he killed his father in a fight and later fell in love and married his mother. Eventually his mother discovered she had married her son and committed suicide. Oedipus  gouged his own eyes out and soon died full of guilt and remorse for having killed and caused the death of both  parents. Sigmund Freud believed that this tragic story contains within it all the problems that crop up in relationships and that they originate in our first experience of falling in love with the opposite sex parent. I don’t know how many of us are familiar with the writings of Freud, but there is a lot of truth in what he talks about here. Most of the relational problems we have today can be traced somewhere in our lives. Its sad that most of our relationship problems today, can be traced back from our first dates, we allowed our first dates to define all our coming dates, or from our family relations. We have too many mama’s boys who are failing in love because they have been spoon fed and spoiled to fail to embrace manhood and the demands of it. Don’t you know some men who expect their women to be to behave, love and do all like their mothers, simply because of the impact the mum put into their lives. Their some women who want their men to measure up to their dad’s style of being a men, and if these tow don’t get it from their men and women, the chances are that, they will go on a hunting mission, for what a resemblance of their parents. Eventually unfaithfulness creeps in, there is a emptiness which has been created by past relationships.

It is well known that, the Oedipus Complex is a triangular relationship, because a child comes between his or her parents. This normally means that there is a stronger connection between one parent than the other – the opposite sex parent. Early in life there is a genuine loving connection between the child and the parent but suddenly this is broken. This does include a subconscious sexual element, which is what begins to create problems. Romantic love between a child and a parent is taboo and the parent will often be the first to break the bond to avoid going out of integrity. Unfortunately this can come as a terrible shock to the child who then suffers massive confusion and heartbreak and believes that love has been taken away. It is around such experiences that a great many of us create, first a resentment about our parent or parents, and then feel guilty for being part of the broken relationship. Everybody in an Oedipal triangle feels huge guilt – understanding that it is this that maintains and replicates triangles in later life is the key to ending and escaping affairs. I would encourage you to take an inventory of your life, just to see what impact has been put in your life, whether negatively or positively. One of the things that psychology has discovered is that, a girl child who grows up without the father’s love struggle when it comes to relationships, the same to the boy who grew up deprived the mother’s love. It s always important that there are father figures in the lives of both children and mother figures n the lives of girl children if their biological mother aren’t around to give them love or being there for them. It minimizes the damages that can take place if these figures are not available in the children’s lives.

If we experience an Oedipal heartbreak as a child it is likely that we continue this issue into our later life. We will probably have fused with the opposite sex parent (a false form of bonding that is based on fear and guilt rather than love) and may have rejected or tended to push away our other parent. It means we have not let the significant, opposite-sex parent go. In other words we have not recovered from the original heartbreak when our opposite-sex parent created separation in the relationship. If we have not let go, there is not enough room for a romantic partner in our life, and the relationship inevitably suffers. Worse still, we hanker after those original feelings of romantic love that we had with our parent (albeit subconsciously) and we want to replace them. A romantic partner may do this for a while but then our original guilt around our first loss of love begins to attack us. We assume that our partner is not good enough (they can never be our parent!) and search for somebody else. We may find such a person, but eventually the old guilt and sense of unmet needs will reappear and destroy that relationship.

It is important to understand that, Oedipal relationships therefore have a terrible habit of repeating themselves until they are healed at their core. This is always about healing the guilt of our original Oedipal separation. It is the guilt for believing that we were not good enough or that we did something wrong, such that our parent would reject us. It seems crazy, but we tend to blame ourselves when our relationships fail. This is never true and recognizing this mistake is the way to heal our problems with cheating and affairs. Will write an article manly on Oedipal relationships in the next coming articles, to the benefit of many. Though being a psychology student myself, there are some things about my field which I don’t buy into, but there are some issues that a layman can clearly understand without being schooled at all. Relationships that we have in our early years in life and love, literally define and mould us either for the good or bad, make us strong or weaklings. Do you really know ho you, as a result of associations, take a good look at yourself, to relate effectively. It is high time you and me realize that unfaithfulness is not a problem of those who are not bible believing Christians alone. This is a big challenge amongst believers, bible believing Christians ,but the church keeps silence on matters of life, but ends up doing reactionary prayers to when things have gotten put of hand. maybe this issue is even a big thing amongst bible believing Christians. To live in denial that its challenge is not to solve it, until it hits your relationship or marriage. Wake up and smell the coffee, we both have to face it and deal with it. We don’t just need to pray ,but to have wisdom and information on how best to deal with such issues, surround your life with men and women who speak direction, order and stability in your life. Condemning those who are caught in the web, is not helping to solve the problem.

If your partner has strayed, you can understand what they must have been feeling to do that – they must have some Oedipal guilt and a parent that they are holding onto. Can you identify the parent and see the Oedipal problem? Understanding this will help with forgiveness. We can also look at our own Oedipal tendencies – have you ever had an affair or been attracted to another person? Have you got over an early heartbreak with an opposite-sex parent? You will know if you have, because you will have a completely equal relationship with both parents and love them unconditionally and without any feelings of sacrifice. If you have an Oedipal issue you can visualize forgiving yourself and your parents and bringing them back together as partners, without you being in between them. Today you here married men who still behave like mummy’s boy, even if they are supposed to function as grown up individuals. There should be a time for parents to be able to wean their children from their influence as much as they wean them from breast milk. You need to be your own man and own woman, so that you build your relationships without giving it undue pressures.

Unfaithfulness, Cheating and affairs   are simply cries for help and help for both parties We only stray when we are unhappy This is the reality on most of the unfaithfulness. All around us we have people crying for help. Its not being macho to sleep with a woman, who is crying for help or a man who is pleading for help, and you mistake it for love. If issues are not attended to in a relationship ,both parties suffer at times irreparable damage. That a man is not able to meet the physical needs of his wife or woman, because of financial constraints is no justification for another man to take that woman to bed using his financial prowess. An affair is a triangle as well, with us, our partner and the other person forming the three corners. We must heal our original Oedipal triangles and forgive them in our partners. Good communications about unmet needs in a relationship will always help. By letting go of our Oedipal guilt, not only will we be less prone to betrayal and betraying others, but many other areas of our life will move forward as we gain more self-esteem. The message being sent by the woman you are having an affair with  behind his man’s back, is a cry and call for help, unfortunately we are the generation that eats it won wounded. In the animal Kingdom, human beings are the only creatures who feast on the wounds of their kind.

Have a great weekend and take time to take stock about your life. Problems will always be part of us, at time s you cant really people to confide with on such matters, I have realized human beings struggle to keep issues that they will have been told in confidents, that includes Pastors, Counselors, and people who are meant to be there for the hurting. Preachers can even make a sermon out of the life of a wounded sheep because they will have confided to them. We are not meant to destroy lives but build, not to tear apart but restore. Sorry to say but this is the truth, the church can be one of the most difficult places to be when you open up about your struggles, though God didn’t intend it to be that way. Peace and love from all of us at JTC. To those who are having birthdays this month, happy birthday to you all and enjoy yourselves. may God make you fruitful in all you do.

 

 

Advertisements

Kick Procrastination out of your life

PROCRASTINATION

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of maize in the road. The farmer who lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey, Tom," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come on in and have a meal with us. Then I’ll help you get the wagon up."

"That’s really nice of you," Tom answered, "But I don’t think Dad would like me to."

"Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted.

"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed. "But Dad won’t like it."

After a hearty dinner, Tom thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know Dad is going to be real upset."

"Don’t be foolish!" exclaimed the neighbour. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

There is a proverb I heard a long time ago. It says, "don’t put off for tomorrow what you can do today". Be reminded that, “Procrastination is the thief of time”.

Procrastination is something that many of us deal with at one time or another in our life. Especially when we have to do something that is not fun to do at all. You really need to maximize your opportunities, whilst they come your way. Its a painful experience to live life regretting, I wish I had made a move for that woman, just to tell her that I love her, I wish I had done that course, I wish I had, the list is endless. God gave Abraham a promise of a son, but he didn’t need to pray and wait upon the Lord, He had to make love to his wife Sarah and expect God to do His part of fulfilling His promise. So many believers will tell you I am waiting for the promise of the Lord to be fulfilled in my life, whilst they do nothing. Every time God promises something He still wants your cooperation’s its to preach go out and preach, He will give the anointing and multiply the people, if its to run a business, what is your passion, start with what you have now and He will prosper it.

Ecclesiastes 9:10."Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might; for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going."

Many of us miss a lot of opportunities in our lives because we put off for tomorrow what we can do today and usually we have many good excuses to go with that.

Think about this, we all know Alexander Graham Bell, the guy who invented the telephone. Well there was another man in that whole story that we really hear about. This is Elisha Gray who was also an electrician, but the thing is he filled his application for the telephone 2 hours after Alexander bell did. A little delay cost him fame and fortune. So many dreams have died a natural death, because people just enjoy having passions, desires and dreams, but doing nothing about them. Its better to die trying, than to quit. Everybody gets time and chance in life, but most of us let these times slip through our hands like water, and live miserably in life. The bible even says ,”Time and chance happen to them all.”

It is amazing how we assume that we always have time and so we keep putting off things. As a farmer you cannot afford to procrastinate because your farming is dependent on the different seasons. When it is the season to plant you had better plant because if you do not then it will be hard to do so when the rains come or you may miss the rains all together. Many times we don’t realize that our life is pretty much that way, it comes to us in seasons and sometimes we miss our opportunities simply because we missed a season because we were procrastinating. Don’t sit there mourning about lost time and opportunities, wake up and use the time that you have today. There is nothing that is as valuable as time, and time lost can come to haunt you tomorrow. The biggest challenge we have in this generation is laziness. You find well to do educated men and women who still don’t know the value of time. Life doesn’t just bring you to greatness, you have to make things. One of the characteristics of a good man, is a hard working man, a man who uses his hands, mind and resources to get wealth. Wealth ill gained will always haunt you in life .Don’t watch your friends and siblings mare daring moves and decisions in life, while fear to step out grips you.

When you look at your life I am sure you can see areas where you have missed opportunities because you put off for tomorrow what you could do today.

Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might. The sad thing is that many times we choose what to do with all our might and what not to do with all our might. Are you giving your all? Many times I hear people complain about how the job they are doing is not well paying and many times I ask them, if you were paid what you think you deserve to be paid, would the quality of your work change? I don’t believe a salary is not a right, but you must earn your wages. Many times the answer is ‘yes’ meaning we are not giving our all, no wonder the amount of money we are paid.Have you ever thought and realized that, besides unfaithfulness, the other thing that has destroyed relationships is money matters, lack of it and having it too. But the truth is people must learn to talk and agree freely about money matters. The challenges of not having it can be disastrous as much as the challenges of having it too. But the reality of it, is we must teach our hands to make money, it plays a lot to bringing peace and joy in relationships. If you are a man and you don’t want to work, then you mustn’t date, because the demands of finance that are brought by dating are and relationships are enormous .So opportunities that come your way to make money, seize them and maximize to your advantages. The rewards of making money bring a lot of peace of mind and plenty

So what have you been putting off and saying you will do tomorrow? Is it cleaning your room or doing your washing? Applying for that job? Starting your own company ? Visiting a friend in hospital………….Make the time and get it done don’t put it off any longer you may be surprised to realize that it was the very thing that was clogging the system hindering your blessings from getting to you. Take time to network, build meaningful relationships even through Facebook, and other various internet connections. On many people’s profiles I see that one of the things they want to do is networking, I at times just wonder how many do network. Share ideas, dreams and visions with people who have become your confidants.

Just get it done! Life is too short to be a spectator. Wake up and do something!

Procrastination

PROCRASTINATION

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of maize in the road. The farmer who lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey, Tom," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come on in and have a meal with us. Then I’ll help you get the wagon up."

"That’s really nice of you," Tom answered, "But I don’t think Dad would like me to."

"Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted.

"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed. "But Dad won’t like it."

After a hearty dinner, Tom thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know Dad is going to be real upset."

"Don’t be foolish!" exclaimed the neighbour. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

There is a proverb I heard a long time ago. It says, "don’t put off for tomorrow what you can do today". Be reminded that, “Procrastination is the thief of time”.

Procrastination is something that many of us deal with at one time or another in our life. Especially when we have to do something that is not fun to do at all. You really need to maximize your opportunities, whilst they come your way. Its a painful experience to live life regretting, I wish I had made a move for that woman, just to tell her that I love her, I wish I had done that course, I wish I had, the list is endless. God gave Abraham a promise of a son, but he didn’t need to pray and wait upon the Lord, He had to make love to his wife Sarah and expect God to do His part of fulfilling His promise. So many believers will tell you I am waiting for the promise of the Lord to be fulfilled in my life, whilst they do nothing. Every time God promises something He still wants your cooperation’s its to preach go out and preach, He will give the anointing and multiply the people, if its to run a business, what is your passion, start with what you have now and He will prosper it.

Ecclesiastes 9:10."Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might; for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going."

Many of us miss a lot of opportunities in our lives because we put off for tomorrow what we can do today and usually we have many good excuses to go with that.

Think about this, we all know Alexander Graham Bell, the guy who invented the telephone. Well there was another man in that whole story that we really hear about. This is Elisha Gray who was also an electrician, but the thing is he filled his application for the telephone 2 hours after Alexander bell did. A little delay cost him fame and fortune. So many dreams have died a natural death, because people just enjoy having passions, desires and dreams, but doing nothing about them. Its better to die trying, than to quit. Everybody gets time and chance in life, but most of us let these times slip through our hands like water, and live miserably in life. The bible even says ,”Time and chance happen to them all.”

It is amazing how we assume that we always have time and so we keep putting off things. As a farmer you cannot afford to procrastinate because your farming is dependent on the different seasons. When it is the season to plant you had better plant because if you do not then it will be hard to do so when the rains come or you may miss the rains all together. Many times we don’t realize that our life is pretty much that way, it comes to us in seasons and sometimes we miss our opportunities simply because we missed a season because we were procrastinating. Don’t sit there mourning about lost time and opportunities, wake up and use the time that you have today. There is nothing that is as valuable as time, and time lost can come to haunt you tomorrow. The biggest challenge we have in this generation is laziness. You find well to do educated men and women who still don’t know the value of time. Life doesn’t just bring you to greatness, you have to make things. One of the characteristics of a good man, is a hard working man, a man who uses his hands, mind and resources to get wealth. Wealth ill gained will always haunt you in life .Don’t watch your friends and siblings mare daring moves and decisions in life, while fear to step out grips you.

When you look at your life I am sure you can see areas where you have missed opportunities because you put off for tomorrow what you could do today.

Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might. The sad thing is that many times we choose what to do with all our might and what not to do with all our might. Are you giving your all? Many times I hear people complain about how the job they are doing is not well paying and many times I ask them, if you were paid what you think you deserve to be paid, would the quality of your work change? I don’t believe a salary is not a right, but you must earn your wages. Many times the answer is ‘yes’ meaning we are not giving our all, no wonder the amount of money we are paid.Have you ever thought and realized that, besides unfaithfulness, the other thing that has destroyed relationships is money matters, lack of it and having it too. But the truth is people must learn to talk and agree freely about money matters. The challenges of not having it can be disastrous as much as the challenges of having it too. But the reality of it, is we must teach our hands to make money, it plays a lot to bringing peace and joy in relationships. If you are a man and you don’t want to work, then you mustn’t date, because the demands of finance that are brought by dating are and relationships are enormous .So opportunities that come your way to make money, seize them and maximize to your advantages. The rewards of making money bring a lot of peace of mind and plenty

So what have you been putting off and saying you will do tomorrow? Is it cleaning your room or doing your washing? Applying for that job? Starting your own company ? Visiting a friend in hospital………….Make the time and get it done don’t put it off any longer you may be surprised to realize that it was the very thing that was clogging the system hindering your blessings from getting to you. Take time to network, build meaningful relationships even through Facebook, and other various internet connections. On many people’s profiles I see that one of the things they want to do is networking, I at times just wonder how many do network. Share ideas, dreams and visions with people who have become your confidants.

Just get it done! Life is too short to be a spectator. Wake up and do something!

Scared to love aren`t you?

 

Scared to love aren’t you?

By Herbert Mtowo

They say every now and then, “Once beaten twice shy.” I don’t know what quickly comes to your mind when you hear that statement. There is a song sang several years back, some of the lyrics of the song are, “I need love, love, I need love. You cant hurry love, you just have to wait.” Have you ever thought imagined and realized that, there is only one word, which is spoken more often than an any other word, volumes and volumes of books have been written, countless movies directed, millions of songs composed, even the most widely read book the bible has several scriptures written about love. But still millions are scared to love, aren’t they, that includes you. You are scared to love, and to you, you would say no, not again. Read through this article may awake the love that had gone to sleep in your life and in your heart, to love again.

 Our society  has become obsessed with love. Our films, our books, our plays and our music are full of stories about love, the joy of finding it and the heartache of losing it. A vast majority of romantic relationships start well, with two people falling in love, but then something begins to go wrong. The feelings of love begin to fade and we start seeing our partner’s failings. They begin to irritate us and act in ways that seem unloving. We then either move into compromise and settle for a relationship with less love and connection or we end the relationship and try to find someone better. Forming a successful romantic relationship is a real challenge, but it ends up this way because of a basic misunderstanding about love

 Yet despite disappointments, rejections, betrayals and set backs, some have conclude I will never love again, yet within a short period of time they are longing for it again. This word and act has been so misunderstood such that you end up getting confused as to what it really means. You will hear others say, “I love these oranges, I love this car, and Oh !,I love my woman!” We try to equate love of a spouse with the liking of  a car .That’s not the way it should be. Maybe with what we have gone through over the years in regards to relationships, we feel being n love is like chasing the shadow. Such experiences make us react differently to love, celebrities ,sports personalities, politicians, the rich and the poor, young and old all are trying to figure out”, What really is love? “Others because of scars and hurts from previous relationships, and don’t want nothing to do with it anymore. It then confirms what is meant by this statement, “A burnt child dreads fire.” But for how long do you want to be afraid of love and to love again. Prepare your life, to give and to receive love again. Once you were burnt, but you cant fail to love simply because you carry scars on your heart  because of love.

I am sure you could be wondering but, what really could make anybody be scared of something that brings so much joy, happiness and excitement into their life. But I have always said and still maintain that, it is easy to love and be loved. Am sure you are wondering what I mean by saying this, especially when you think of your experiences when it comes to love. Sad to say we have had loved defined by our past bad experiences, such that we don’t have the knowledge of its beauty and purity. What I would like to make clear in this article is that love is in fact our greatest fear and our avoidance of it lies at the heart of all our relationship problems, indeed in all human problems, in whatever sphere of relations you can imagine.

For one to be able to really grasp and come to terms about what love is, helps us to explain why we are scared of love. So much of our cultures, the media are obsessed with love as a sentiment and just another emotion that comes and goes like any other commodity. This is the norm, that we fall in love and become deliriously excited and fall out of love again and become very miserable. Even the bible likens the strength of love to that of death, that’s why two people can be so madly in love and be thousand of miles apart, but still feel like they are just a couple of meters apart. This thing is massive if properly natured and allowed to blossom. Though to others romantic love seems transient and fickle, but this in fact is to have completely misunderstood love to think that way. Love is not an emotion – it is our natural state of being, and it connects us with everybody and everything in the Universe. Of course the bonds are invisible, but they form an infinite field of consciousness that we are all part of. When we fall in love we know ourselves as love and feel the joy of our personal and Universal connections. It feels so wonderful because we are allowing ourselves to feel all the love that is available to us – we are going home spiritually. But the problem is that people start to get frightened of so much love and start denying it. Before long fear and insecurity return to their lives and the feelings of love fade.

Although it can seem that your partner’s behavior may have  caused love to fade and the early ‘honeymoon period’ to come to end, this just an  illusion. Falling in love, or feeling great love for somebody opens your life up to your most fundamental state of connection where you begin to realize that you are not  a separate entity controlled by your ego. This is terrifying for many because people only know themselves as individual bodies and have built personalities that support their separateness. In love many people live their lives independently rather than in partnership and this means that they have to shut down their hearts and push away love. Let go your fears, you imaginations and prepare your life to  love again. As long as one chooses not to let go, it is difficult to embrace the dawn and freshness of love.

 To accept your true identity means that you should stop seeing the difference and separation between yourself and your partner and instead see that are just the same.   You would need to stop judging people (including your partner’s!) and accept that you are accountable for everything. You sure would need to let go of our obsession with the physical body and embrace the spirituality. You would also need let go of all of your fears that you have become addicted to and gained a perverse benefit from. Come to accept that you are greater and more powerful than you may have ever dreamed about when it comes to love. Surely you can find your purpose, become a leader of society and show others the true nature of love and themselves. You need to be totally healed, such that you simply see yourself as love.

Imagine yourself doing all these things and you will sense the fear that holds you back from embracing your true state of love and connection. Many people are scared of losing themselves and letting go of their ego-based rewards, and yet to do so is the path to true happiness and fulfillment. Most relationship problems can be traced back to your denial of your true state of love and the best way to see them is as reminders to return to your authentic spiritual state. Me and you can  do this by surrendering our ego’s and belief that we are separate and begin to know ourselves as love. There is nothing to learn and nothing to do – all that is required is to face the fear and trust God, your instincts, as you allow yourself  to become authentic. This is true, love will then do the rest. It will not disappoint you but reward you for giving it another try again.

By the time you finish reading this article, am sure you are asking and wondering whether you are ready for love. The truth is you are, that’s why it still is the most fascinating word and topic that gets your attention. But just because you have been hurt doesn’t mean you cannot find love true love again. Allow healing to take place in your life so that you can freely celebrate this gift of love, with the one you freely and confidently love. The strength of any relationships is based on the foundation called love, nothing less than love can sustain your relationship. Issues like money, property, investments are then needed but what starts first is to be so sure and convinced that love is there. Don’t be afraid to love because you have been cheated or disappointed before. Love is so strong you find people who far away from each other spending time on the phone, net and all these latest ways of technology to communicate, talking and chatting as if there is no tomorrow, simply because they decided to love without fear. To love is to take risks, because you are giving your life to someone whom you never knew and trusting that things will work out, and spend the rest of your life with a stranger who eventually becomes your dearest and closest friend and the sweetest Darleen`, that’s what it is meant to be.

 Remember love is not an overnight thing, take time to know her or him and give love a chance despite past hurts and disappointments. Love is not an emotion or another commodity that comes and goes, prepare your life and  heart to love and to love forever. Trust God to guide you.

 

 

Betrayed Ye !, But you can still trust and love again.

Betrayed Yes !–but you can still trust and love again.

By Herbert Mtowo

One of the most difficult experiences in life is to be betrayed, whether in a relationship, business or work environment. It cuts so deep and the damage is devastating, and the betrayed take a lot of time to trust people in relationships, business or church relations. Talking to several women from all over the world, from different cultures and ethnicity backgrounds one statement ,” All men are the same !” though I beg to differ with my friends women on that one. I still struggle to convince many to believe me when I say, Not all men are the same.” You will also hear most men say openly,” All women are the same !” If you don’t read between the lines you can pick it up this statement is from people who have been betrayed, cheated and taken advantage of. By far the most asked about question is that of lack of trust in relationships.

As I continue with my article of letting go your ex-lover, I pray that those who had lost the desire and the joy to love again, dust themselves and move on, yes after betrayal ,heartbreak and being let down, you can still wake up from the pain and find love in someone again. I beg to differ with many ladies that all men are the same, no its not true. If you find some bad apples on the tree it doesn’t mean all are bad They may all be apples but believe you me they don’t taste the same. Many people speak of their fear of being betrayed by a partner, or perhaps a friend or even colleague or church folks. Allow me to explain why people have such fears and hope to show how people can manage their fears and re-build trust to love and relate again. I would like to look at it from two angles, that one of the victim and perpetrator and the betrayer and the betrayed.

People are betrayed in so many ways, firstly when our needs aren’t being met in relationships. Any relationship can collapse if needs are neglected, as the relationship grows and matures. Most needs have to be met perfectly in the teething stage of the relationship. The gradually both partners reduce the amount of giving and receiving of love and affection and they start squabbles and drifting apart. The comes the temptation to search for another person, because you begin to feel that something is missing. And most of the times one turns to an affair or just fantasizes about other people. At this stage it is very defining to re-discover the qualities that were present and dominant when you met your partner. Though its not always that simple, but t would be good to have a simple heart to heart honest chat, and openly talk about what each partner is missing in the relationship.

Then there are those who have not been betrayed, but just have the fear that their partner will stray, become paranoid or jealous. One may ask, “How an I deal with these feelings and fears”? The truth is its not about trying to change your partner, but its time to look into your inner self. This sounds unbelievable but very true indeed, “People have a fear of betrayal because they just don’t trust themselves.!” To those who are familiar with the bible, will recall some words by Job, in the Old Testament when he said, “What I feared most has fallen on me.!” Though it sounds preposterous but the truth is, “Everything you fear tends to occur in your life. “If you get into a relationship with the fear of betrayal its worse than betrayal itself.

It is always good for an individual to deal with their fears, so that they can learn to trust again, than hold on to past hurts and betrayal experiences. If betrayal or the fear of it is recurring pattern in your life, or the guilty of having betrayed or have the potential to betray somebody. You usually end up having the fear that the same thing will happen to you again, you will be haunted by the thought that relationships will end up in betrayal too. Bt this are getting rid of the need for you to learn to trust, despite the previous betrayals. You might have eaten one bad apple, but they don’t all taste that bad, you happened to have just tasted one of the bad ones unfortunately. But don’t label all apples because of the taste of the one you tasted. With such fears of betrayal you will struggle to trust your partner, and by so failing to enjoy any new relationship. Most of the times in our formative years, we probably had experiences of being abandoned and betrayed. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a dramatic event like being left, or rejected, but you may have felt the pain and shame of being let down or emotionally abandoned. It becomes clear as you probe deeper into your mind, that you will realize that every resentment or negative belief you harbor about somebody, is mirrored in a belief about you. You end up dealing with guilty and pain of whether you caused the other person to abandon you. Yet it happened and you should free yourself from guilty and move on.

It impacts so negatively on you such that, from a spiritual point of view, thus assuming you have such negative views, the painful and brutal experiences of life might have brought you to the conclusion that there is no God or if He is there, He has abandoned you. I have met hurting people believing in God or not who have been hurt really bad in relationships who firmly believe that God was watching aloof, while someone betrayed them or had joined the betrayer to hurt them. This belief of abandonment, reappears then in relationships. Those who are atheists also during this time they also feel abandoned even by a supernatural being, as they struggle to come to terms with betrayal and being cheated on in a relationship.

There is always a way through these experiences of betrayal, let down and cheated on. One of the ways to move on is to recognize your own temptation to also betray others, and this comes from a lack of belief mainly in your own ability to meet your own needs, your inability to find self love, whether on a mortal plane or through embracing your spiritual gifts. You need to genuinely forgive yourself, your partner for betraying you and trying by all means to reconnect n all your relationships with the mortal and the Devine, but particularly with your partner, surely this will take away the dynamics of betrayal. Life is too short for you to live, licking your wounds, feeling hopeless, rejected and dejected. It happened that you were betrayed, but believe you me hope isn’t lost, give yourself time to heal again and cooperate to allow your healing to go uninterrupted, with time you will be in the arms of someone who will love you unconditionally despite your past experiences. You need to believe that, you are your own person, unique gifted and lovable. Celebrate your individuality, and embrace the future with gladness and excitement reminding yourself that you will love again. Now you need meaningful, sincere, honest communication with yourself, about fears around betrayal, about your own temptations, and take note of what you feel is lacking hat is what is very useful. Most of the times it is the fact that you have not voiced these concerns, that has damaged the trust in most relationships. It sure will take great courage and strength to speak out these fears, but that’s the only best way to re build a relationship, and have t based on honesty and trust. To those where the betrayal has already occurred and your relationship has ended, you sure can heal your own sense of abandonment, and betrayal through forgiveness so that you minimize the chances of it happening again in the future.

Trust refreshes any relationships and brings it to a level of joy and gladness. The challenge with most people is that, they are too needy in relationships, they are needy of being loved, pampered, that’s all good, but sad to say a needy person is easily broken or betrayed and struggle to heal and recover. Their whole world collapses after they discover that they have been abandoned. Women suffer are the main culprits when it comes to being too needy. Believe that as much as you need to be loved, you can also give love. You are not in a relationship just to receive love, but also to give love and give it wholeheartedly .We have created a situation most men think that they are supposed to be given love by women without them giving love, they want women to give their bodies, yet they don’t want to give their time, love and their bodies. Have you ever wondered why Go brought us together, because we both need and want each other, not that women or men should want the other more. These are stubborn facts that, both male and female have the capacity to love, give love an deceive love. Take an inventory of your heart and check, what you really want, both to love and give love, if your need for love outweighs your ability to give love, then that is clear sign there are issues to be dealt with and have you prepared to love. I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you to all who have been writing and responding to the articles. Thank you for letting us know that you are being inspired and blessed by the articles, and seeing changes on the positive in your relationships. We thank God for you. You are welcome if you have particular topics you want us to deal with. Thanks to you all may the good Lord continue to bless you and prosper you and educate you to love and love sincerely.

Betrayed Yes !–but you can still trust and love again.

Betrayed Yes !–but you can still trust and love again.

By Herbert Mtowo

One of the most difficult experiences in life is to be betrayed, whether in a relationship, business or work environment. It cuts so deep and the damage is devastating, and the betrayed take a lot of time to trust people in relationships, business or church relations. Talking to several women from all over the world, from different cultures and ethnicity backgrounds one statement ,” All men are the same !” though I beg to differ with my friends women on that one. I still struggle to convince many to believe me when I say, Not all men are the same.” You will also hear most men say openly,” All women are the same !” If you don’t read between the lines you can pick it up this statement is from people who have been betrayed, cheated and taken advantage of. By far the most asked about question is that of lack of trust in relationships.

As I continue with my article of letting go your ex-lover, I pray that those who had lost the desire and the joy to love again, dust themselves and move on, yes after betrayal ,heartbreak and being let down, you can still wake up from the pain and find love in someone again. I beg to differ with many ladies that all men are the same, no its not true. If you find some bad apples on the tree it doesn’t mean all are bad They may all be apples but believe you me they don’t taste the same. Many people speak of their fear of being betrayed by a partner, or perhaps a friend or even colleague or church folks. Allow me to explain why people have such fears and hope to show how people can manage their fears and re-build trust to love and relate again. I would like to look at it from two angles, that one of the victim and perpetrator and the betrayer and the betrayed.

People are betrayed in so many ways, firstly when our needs aren’t being met in relationships. Any relationship can collapse if needs are neglected, as the relationship grows and matures. Most needs have to be met perfectly in the teething stage of the relationship. The gradually both partners reduce the amount of giving and receiving of love and affection and they start squabbles and drifting apart. The comes the temptation to search for another person, because you begin to feel that something is missing. And most of the times one turns to an affair or just fantasizes about other people. At this stage it is very defining to re-discover the qualities that were present and dominant when you met your partner. Though its not always that simple, but t would be good to have a simple heart to heart honest chat, and openly talk about what each partner is missing in the relationship.

Then there are those who have not been betrayed, but just have the fear that their partner will stray, become paranoid or jealous. One may ask, “How an I deal with these feelings and fears”? The truth is its not about trying to change your partner, but its time to look into your inner self. This sounds unbelievable but very true indeed, “People have a fear of betrayal because they just don’t trust themselves.!” To those who are familiar with the bible, will recall some words by Job, in the Old Testament when he said, “What I feared most has fallen on me.!” Though it sounds preposterous but the truth is, “Everything you fear tends to occur in your life. “If you get into a relationship with the fear of betrayal its worse than betrayal itself.

It is always good for an individual to deal with their fears, so that they can learn to trust again, than hold on to past hurts and betrayal experiences. If betrayal or the fear of it is recurring pattern in your life, or the guilty of having betrayed or have the potential to betray somebody. You usually end up having the fear that the same thing will happen to you again, you will be haunted by the thought that relationships will end up in betrayal too. Bt this are getting rid of the need for you to learn to trust, despite the previous betrayals. You might have eaten one bad apple, but they don’t all taste that bad, you happened to have just tasted one of the bad ones unfortunately. But don’t label all apples because of the taste of the one you tasted. With such fears of betrayal you will struggle to trust your partner, and by so failing to enjoy any new relationship. Most of the times in our formative years, we probably had experiences of being abandoned and betrayed. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a dramatic event like being left, or rejected, but you may have felt the pain and shame of being let down or emotionally abandoned. It becomes clear as you probe deeper into your mind, that you will realize that every resentment or negative belief you harbor about somebody, is mirrored in a belief about you. You end up dealing with guilty and pain of whether you caused the other person to abandon you. Yet it happened and you should free yourself from guilty and move on.

It impacts so negatively on you such that, from a spiritual point of view, thus assuming you have such negative views, the painful and brutal experiences of life might have brought you to the conclusion that there is no God or if He is there, He has abandoned you. I have met hurting people believing in God or not who have been hurt really bad in relationships who firmly believe that God was watching aloof, while someone betrayed them or had joined the betrayer to hurt them. This belief of abandonment, reappears then in relationships. Those who are atheists also during this time they also feel abandoned even by a supernatural being, as they struggle to come to terms with betrayal and being cheated on in a relationship.

There is always a way through these experiences of betrayal, let down and cheated on. One of the ways to move on is to recognize your own temptation to also betray others, and this comes from a lack of belief mainly in your own ability to meet your own needs, your inability to find self love, whether on a mortal plane or through embracing your spiritual gifts. You need to genuinely forgive yourself, your partner for betraying you and trying by all means to reconnect n all your relationships with the mortal and the Devine, but particularly with your partner, surely this will take away the dynamics of betrayal. Life is too short for you to live, licking your wounds, feeling hopeless, rejected and dejected. It happened that you were betrayed, but believe you me hope isn’t lost, give yourself time to heal again and cooperate to allow your healing to go uninterrupted, with time you will be in the arms of someone who will love you unconditionally despite your past experiences. You need to believe that, you are your own person, unique gifted and lovable. Celebrate your individuality, and embrace the future with gladness and excitement reminding yourself that you will love again. Now you need meaningful, sincere, honest communication with yourself, about fears around betrayal, about your own temptations, and take note of what you feel is lacking hat is what is very useful. Most of the times it is the fact that you have not voiced these concerns, that has damaged the trust in most relationships. It sure will take great courage and strength to speak out these fears, but that’s the only best way to re build a relationship, and have t based on honesty and trust. To those where the betrayal has already occurred and your relationship has ended, you sure can heal your own sense of abandonment, and betrayal through forgiveness so that you minimize the chances of it happening again in the future.

Trust refreshes any relationships and brings it to a level of joy and gladness. The challenge with most people is that, they are too needy in relationships, they are needy of being loved, pampered, that’s all good, but sad to say a needy person is easily broken or betrayed and struggle to heal and recover. Their whole world collapses after they discover that they have been abandoned. Women suffer are the main culprits when it comes to being too needy. Believe that as much as you need to be loved, you can also give love. You are not in a relationship just to receive love, but also to give love and give it wholeheartedly .We have created a situation most men think that they are supposed to be given love by women without them giving love, they want women to give their bodies, yet they don’t want to give their time, love and their bodies. Have you ever wondered why Go brought us together, because we both need and want each other, not that women or men should want the other more. These are stubborn facts that, both male and female have the capacity to love, give love an deceive love. Take an inventory of your heart and check, what you really want, both to love and give love, if your need for love outweighs your ability to give love, then that is clear sign there are issues to be dealt with and have you prepared to love. I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you to all who have been writing and responding to the articles. Thank you for letting us know that you are being inspired and blessed by the articles, and seeing changes on the positive in your relationships. We thank God for you. You are welcome if you have particular topics you want us to deal with. Thanks to you all may the good Lord continue to bless you and prosper you and educate you to love and love sincerely.

Betrayed Yes !–but you can still trust and love again.

Betrayed Yes !–but you can still trust and love again. By Herbert Mtowo One of the most difficult experiences in life is to be betrayed, whether in a relationship, business or work environment. It cuts so deep and the damage is devastating, and the betrayed take a lot of time to trust people in relationships, business or church relations. Talking to several women from all over the world, from different cultures and ethnicity backgrounds one statement ,” All men are the same !” though I beg to differ with my friends women on that one. I still struggle to convince many to believe me when I say, Not all men are the same.” You will also hear most men say openly,” All women are the same !” If you don’t read between the lines you can pick it up this statement is from people who have been betrayed, cheated and taken advantage of. By far the most asked about question is that of lack of trust in relationships. As I continue with my article of letting go your ex-lover, I pray that those who had lost the desire and the joy to love again, dust themselves and move on, yes after betrayal ,heartbreak and being let down, you can still wake up from the pain and find love in someone again. I beg to differ with many ladies that all men are the same, no its not true. If you find some bad apples on the tree it doesn’t mean all are bad They may all be apples but believe you me they don’t taste the same. Many people speak of their fear of being betrayed by a partner, or perhaps a friend or even colleague or church folks. Allow me to explain why people have such fears and hope to show how people can manage their fears and re-build trust to love and relate again. I would like to look at it from two angles, that one of the victim and perpetrator and the betrayer and the betrayed. People are betrayed in so many ways, firstly when our needs aren’t being met in relationships. Any relationship can collapse if needs are neglected, as the relationship grows and matures. Most needs have to be met perfectly in the teething stage of the relationship. The gradually both partners reduce the amount of giving and receiving of love and affection and they start squabbles and drifting apart. The comes the temptation to search for another person, because you begin to feel that something is missing. And most of the times one turns to an affair or just fantasizes about other people. At this stage it is very defining to re-discover the qualities that were present and dominant when you met your partner. Though its not always that simple, but t would be good to have a simple heart to heart honest chat, and openly talk about what each partner is missing in the relationship. Then there are those who have not been betrayed, but just have the fear that their partner will stray, become paranoid or jealous. One may ask, “How an I deal with these feelings and fears”? The truth is its not about trying to change your partner, but its time to look into your inner self. This sounds unbelievable but very true indeed, “People have a fear of betrayal because they just don’t trust themselves.!” To those who are familiar with the bible, will recall some words by Job, in the Old Testament when he said, “What I feared most has fallen on me.!” Though it sounds preposterous but the truth is, “Everything you fear tends to occur in your life. “If you get into a relationship with the fear of betrayal its worse than betrayal itself. It is always good for an individual to deal with their fears, so that they can learn to trust again, than hold on to past hurts and betrayal experiences. If betrayal or the fear of it is recurring pattern in your life, or the guilty of having betrayed or have the potential to betray somebody. You usually end up having the fear that the same thing will happen to you again, you will be haunted by the thought that relationships will end up in betrayal too. Bt this are getting rid of the need for you to learn to trust, despite the previous betrayals. You might have eaten one bad apple, but they don’t all taste that bad, you happened to have just tasted one of the bad ones unfortunately. But don’t label all apples because of the taste of the one you tasted. With such fears of betrayal you will struggle to trust your partner, and by so failing to enjoy any new relationship. Most of the times in our formative years, we probably had experiences of being abandoned and betrayed. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a dramatic event like being left, or rejected, but you may have felt the pain and shame of being let down or emotionally abandoned. It becomes clear as you probe deeper into your mind, that you will realize that every resentment or negative belief you harbor about somebody, is mirrored in a belief about you. You end up dealing with guilty and pain of whether you caused the other person to abandon you. Yet it happened and you should free yourself from guilty and move on. It impacts so negatively on you such that, from a spiritual point of view, thus assuming you have such negative views, the painful and brutal experiences of life might have brought you to the conclusion that there is no God or if He is there, He has abandoned you. I have met hurting people believing in God or not who have been hurt really bad in relationships who firmly believe that God was watching aloof, while someone betrayed them or had joined the betrayer to hurt them. This belief of abandonment, reappears then in relationships. Those who are atheists also during this time they also feel abandoned even by a supernatural being, as they struggle to come to terms with betrayal and being cheated on in a relationship. There is always a way through these experiences of betrayal, let down and cheated on. One of the ways to move on is to recognize your own temptation to also betray others, and this comes from a lack of belief mainly in your own ability to meet your own needs, your inability to find self love, whether on a mortal plane or through embracing your spiritual gifts. You need to genuinely forgive yourself, your partner for betraying you and trying by all means to reconnect n all your relationships with the mortal and the Devine, but particularly with your partner, surely this will take away the dynamics of betrayal. Life is too short for you to live, licking your wounds, feeling hopeless, rejected and dejected. It happened that you were betrayed, but believe you me hope isn’t lost, give yourself time to heal again and cooperate to allow your healing to go uninterrupted, with time you will be in the arms of someone who will love you unconditionally despite your past experiences. You need to believe that, you are your own person, unique gifted and lovable. Celebrate your individuality, and embrace the future with gladness and excitement reminding yourself that you will love again. Now you need meaningful, sincere, honest communication with yourself, about fears around betrayal, about your own temptations, and take note of what you feel is lacking hat is what is very useful. Most of the times it is the fact that you have not voiced these concerns, that has damaged the trust in most relationships. It sure will take great courage and strength to speak out these fears, but that’s the only best way to re build a relationship, and have t based on honesty and trust. To those where the betrayal has already occurred and your relationship has ended, you sure can heal your own sense of abandonment, and betrayal through forgiveness so that you minimize the chances of it happening again in the future. Trust refreshes any relationships and brings it to a level of joy and gladness. The challenge with most people is that, they are too needy in relationships, they are needy of being loved, pampered, that’s all good, but sad to say a needy person is easily broken or betrayed and struggle to heal and recover. Their whole world collapses after they discover that they have been abandoned. Women suffer are the main culprits when it comes to being too needy. Believe that as much as you need to be loved, you can also give love. You are not in a relationship just to receive love, but also to give love and give it wholeheartedly .We have created a situation most men think that they are supposed to be given love by women without them giving love, they want women to give their bodies, yet they don’t want to give their time, love and their bodies. Have you ever wondered why Go brought us together, because we both need and want each other, not that women or men should want the other more. These are stubborn facts that, both male and female have the capacity to love, give love an deceive love. Take an inventory of your heart and check, what you really want, both to love and give love, if your need for love outweighs your ability to give love, then that is clear sign there are issues to be dealt with and have you prepared to love. I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you to all who have been writing and responding to the articles. Thank you for letting us know that you are being inspired and blessed by the articles, and seeing changes on the positive in your relationships. We thank God for you. You are welcome if you have particular topics you want us to deal with. Thanks to you all may the good Lord continue to bless you and prosper you and educate you to love and love sincerely.

The fight to let go an ex lover

The fight of letting go an ex lover

By Herbert Mtowo

If you have been in love like most of us, this is a very interesting topic that few are prepared to talk about. We would rather fight a silent war for many years without letting anybody help us in this never ending battle. To those who have dated someone before their current lover or spouse will agree with me that, despite the circumstances of your breaking up with your man or woman, whether you had married or were still dating, the challenges of letting go is a very long and tiring experience which may even take a lifetime if you are not totally healed or helped to recover from this failed relationship or marriage. A lot of people struggle to let go of people and relationships. They find it incredibly hard to let go the wife, husband, man or woman from a failed marriage or relationship.

If you read most of the profile of Facebook friends you will realize that we are really hurting and in need of help and healing say,” In a relationship but complicated, “Others have gone from being married to single, from being engaged to single, that will make you realize that matters of the heart really take much of our time on Facebook. The only danger with some of our profiles is that we expose ourselves to the wrong people at times, and end up hurting instead of getting the healing we so desperately need. let friendships develop before you can begin to talk of love, it takes time for people to get really honest through the internet. If you have a needy attitude for love you may end up getting the wrong person, in your life. Watch my next article. Am I saying its not good to get love,? No, Not at all. It’s really good, but just make sure you don’t inflict more pain on a fresh wound in the name of love.

I will therefore focus in this article on the reasons letting-go can be so difficult and the things we can do to make it easier and allow us to live our lives fully again. The main reason we struggle to let go in a romantic situation, is that we still believe that our ex-partner is there to meet our needs. During the relationship they probably did meet those needs (although those same needs were probably what destroyed the relationship too!) and when it finished, we were left feeling empty and lost. Often we choose to end a relationship and then later regret our decision because we have forgotten that that person was meeting some of our needs. In essence, we fail to let go when there is unfinished emotional business in a relationship. A lot of people get into a knew relationship whilst loaded with lots of baggage of the previous relationship and instead of enjoying their knew found love, they are always reminding themselves of the other love and wishing if it was ex. The loss in a failed relationship is mostly felt in two key ways. Its important that we understand We may miss all the lovely things about our ex and long to have them back- conveniently forgetting all the things we hated or that drove us mad. Alternatively we may continue to resent them or fight with them, long after the relationship has needed. In my relationship counseling work I am often amazed that ex-partners can still be fighting decades after a divorce or a relationship break up. It may take more than fourteen years and to some a lifetime ,as the fight rages on about property they once shared together.

There is a lot of resentment and anger, which is clearly an inability to let somebody go from your life. Needless to say, holding on to anybody in a positive or a negative way is not healthy because unless we have let somebody go we are not fully available for a new partner. Our life’s energy is being wasted by dwelling on the past, rather than living in the present. I am not really sure if most people who start knew relationships today are ready for new partners, based on this fight and struggle to let go. The death of most new relationships start the day they have begun, simply because they are started on the wrong foundations of wishful thinking and longing ness for the past. Some even their idea of the type of the new lover they want s influenced by their refusal to let go. That’s why many today are married to John but still n love with Peter, or in love with Mary, but wishing and hoping that she is Jane. If you don’t let go your past, your future will remain your past, instead of experiencing the newness of love.

Ways to help you to let go.

Many a times people who have not let go somebody from their past, still identify needs that they want their ex to fulfill. That’s a clear indication you are still holding and living in the past than enjoying your yet to blossom love. Alternatively, what aspect of relationship is not currently present in your current relationship or life that they provided. You may be in a new relationship and still hanker after somebody or you may be obsessed with getting your old partner back into your life. Perhaps you miss their tenderness, their beauty, their strength or their sexuality. Whatever things are, they are your needs and you are probably trying to find somebody else to meet them today. The trick is to understand that if you can see these gifts in somebody else, then you must have them in yourself – as the saying goes, it takes one to know one! At some point in your life you turned away from these gifts and felt you had to find the same qualities in a partner, so that you could feel whole. If that person then departed from your life, you would have felt very lacking in that area. We have a needy mentality when we get into love, and that makes us very vulnerable to being hurt and refuse to let go. Being needy and being in love are two different things altogether. If you are in love just because you a needy person, who feels empty and wants to be completed by somebody then, you are skating on thin ice. It would be very difficult for such a person-needy to settle in love.

Identify the needs you are trying to meet with an ex, or even with a new partner, and try to see that ability of potential in you, to meet those needs. It is important that such a person be able to work on their self-esteem and any heartbreaks and traumas your past that have lead to having any negative self-beliefs. Some people get in love and lose their self-esteem and worthiness, they begin to tie their joy and happiness on a person, than in the realization of their uniqueness. As you recognize these gifts in yourself you will not feel so dependent on your ex. Typically you will need to work at letting-go over a period of time as our needs and hurt can come in many layers, which need healing one at a time. Now am sure you realize why so many people commit suicide after they have been dumped or heart broken. As much as I strongly believe that love is such a wonderful thing, but there is absolutely no reason to end your life because he or she left you. Anytime divorce or a break up takes place, only one partner is prepared for it. The other is always taken unaware. Those who just wait to be loved without giving love to the full are the ones who hurt most and refuse to let go whenever a break up happens. Though it is common knowledge that a break up hurts both the one who initiates it and the victim.

If you are still feeling angry or resentful about an ex, the way to move on is the same as I have just described, but you will also need to forgive them for having let you down. Any bad behavior would have been coming from their own emotional and spiritual pain. Realize that they were almost certainly looking for the same gifts in you that you were looking for in them. The truth is both of you had them, but had lost sight of this. If you have a spiritual or religious belief, then you can ask for strength and guidance in your letting-go and for the truth to be revealed for you all. Forgiveness is one of the most effective ways of letting go, and allowing the healing to begin n your life. Healing is not an event but a process, during this time you don’t need to quickly jump into a new relationship, until your are healthy and strong enough to take on a new person into your life. Resentment and Unforgiveness are clear signs that you are still hurting and it’s a cry for help. Of all living creatures human beings top the list of those with the capacity take pain, pressure and tragedy and still move on in life. We need to take a close look at the strength that God invested in us to take a lick and another lick and still not remain victims. At times I tend to think we should be able to thank our ex for moving away from our lives, thank them for breaking our hearts, because if they had not done so we would not have been this wiser and found our new beauty in love. Its not all gloom and doom, let go and embrace the love that awaits you.

This sounds crazy, but believe you me it works, in cases of letting-go you must move to a place where you love your ex- enough to let them go. That is really letting go. Did you know that, love never takes prisoners – true love holds on to no attachments and no needs. If we truly love somebody, then we would not cage them and seek to stop them moving forward in their life. Send your love and blessings to them for a good life. Trust them to lead their own life and allow them to make their own mistakes, so that they can learn and grow. Just imagine how many prisoners we hold in our hearts, as most of us have skeletons in the cupboards of hurts and regrets of past relationships. Truth be told both men and women struggle to let go, and the damage is severe in both lives. But hope with this article you will dust yourself up again and move on. The past is behind you, the best years of your life are ahead of you. I am not belittling the hurts and the pain you have carried in your body and heart all these years, but there is a solution that requires your participation. Don’t let nobody love you because they feel sorry for yah, you ain`t that cheap to fall for every Tom and Harry, simply because somebody left you.

If you are in a situation where you wonder if it was right to have split up from your partner, by completing the letting-go process and reaching a place of ‘no attachment’ to the outcome, that person will naturally come back to you if this is true for you both. But never stoop so low to beg someone for love, its never meant to be out of desperation but respect for love. Our whole lives can be seen as ongoing, letting-go opportunities – we are letting-go of our need for somebody else to make us happy and instead, finding it within or through our spirituality. We all need love, but we must also be able to give as much as we want to receive love. Thank you very much for all the feedbacks, and responses to our articles. We are forever grateful. Peace and love from JTC.

The power of Atrractiveness in a woman

The Power of attractiveness in a woman.:

And what it does to men.

By Herbert Mtowo.

Oh! she looks stunning, she is a bullet, she is gorgeous, she is a brunette the list is long. That’s when you hear men describe their wives, women, girlfriends. There is something about beauty and attractiveness in women. I wish all women would hear this and know that, attractiveness is what you do with what you have, and that an attractive woman is made and not born. That to me is important, just to realize that one can be very attractive, and still not be considered beautiful. Attractiveness has nothing to do with being beautiful. It is also very important that we understand that one can be attractive but not really beautiful, and one can be beautiful not attractive. Beauty is something you are born with, but attractiveness is something you make of yourself.

Beauty is who you are, but attractiveness involves your choice of clothes, their colors, shoes, what you eat, how you take care of your skin, exercising your body, your hair, etc the list is long. So every woman should work on being attractive.

All men are drawn to attractive women. A man wants an attractive woman as a pure and simple matter of pride, more than anything else. It sounds like a base, or at best, banal motive, but believe you me it is all too real in most men. Childish as it may sound, people often do judge the ability and success of a man in terms of his wife’s appearance. When a man has an attractive woman, it says he has an appeal and talent and that deserves someone of her caliber. When a man’s woman makes herself become unattractive, the message comes across loud and clear that he couldn’t get someone better ,probably he deserves her.

This may sound very immature and superficial, but believe you me as a man and in the travels and conversations that I do with men from various backgrounds, color, race, ethnicity and nationalities, I have discovered and concluded that most men do not appreciate a woman for her inner qualities alone. But that a man’s need for a physical attractiveness in a woman is profound and top priority. It is important for women to know that the quality of their skin doesn’t mainly have to do with skin treatment and what they use on their bodies, but it also depends on eating healthy

Look good and have all his eyes on you.

I am sure we have all heard the song,” I can only have eyes on you !” If you check most men as they walk in the streets, do business how they turn their heads when a woman passes by. Just to let you know, they are not necessarily looking at the beauty but the attractiveness which comes as a result of choice of clothes which fit the body-figure, the finishing that brings the attractiveness .Visual stimulation more than often arouses a man sexually. If his woman looks good, he will look at her often and like what he sees. If he his woman looks bad, or even rather mediocre or scruffy, he wont look at her very much, and even when he does he will be turned off and in some cases repulsed.

This is a sad state to arrive at, when a man looks at his wife and is disappointed by what he sees, it puts him in a terrible bind. He starts to think that all the physical attraction he once felt for her is probably gone forever. The second thing is he tends to notice other women, especially nice looking women, and that makes him feel guilty. Such a man may never wander into an affair, but he remains very vulnerable. Any woman can guard against these dangers by making reasonable effort to stay attractive. Men are easily led astray by what they see in other women if the woman in his life neglects herself. A simple test to all women of your attractiveness, is how much does your man likes looking at your. A second test is what he does after he looks at you. The visual stimulations a man receives by looking at his attractive woman, will often arouse him sexually. Even the most sensitive man will fondle his woman in inappropriate moments if he finds her physically attractive. It s foolish women to look like someone else. Look your best and that is what is attractive.

It feels great to be attractive

It is fascinating how God built women, or designed them. Some of the most attractive women that I have ever met, have physical features that, if taken by themselves violate our culture’s norms for beauty. But by them making the most of what they have, they have become stunning in appearance. A woman’s attractiveness is a vital ingredient to the success of her relationship/marriage and any woman who ignores this notion, for whatever reasons, surely risks disaster’s woman’s acceptance for the responsibility to maintain an attractive appearance for one’s husband/man will only heighten a woman’s morale. Its important that all women get this truth, that there will always be one you, and how you take care of your appearance matters a lot, to the man in your life and friends and colleagues around you to see the uniqueness’ of who you are. To all marred women you need to ask yourself this: Am I looking my best when I am with my husband? How do I dress when I am the house ?Some women need to be reminded that when they are in the house they are not attending a board meeting at work. Try to by all means to hang loose and relax in your dress code at home, even to keep some body parts exposed. This is good for you and the man in your life.

There is the old adage that says, “ Clothes make the man “ but in our society and generation clothes showcase the woman. The showcase can enhance and flatter and do something far less than that. So as with cosmetics and hairstyles the same principles applies: Dress cause they make you feel good, and make you attractive to your man. It s common knowledge to both women and men that, when a woman’s clothing becomes unappealing, it doesn’t stay popular very long. Any sensible woman should pay as much attention to her choice of nightgowns, pajamas as she does to what she wears in public. When you dress for bed, you strictly dress for your man. So wearing old bed ragged night clothes, curls and goop on your face will not help to ignite the fire of love n your relationship. Wearing worn out nightgown to bed because nobody will see me or see it ,misses an very important point. There is one very special and important person who does see it, so here is good advice ladies,” Why not wear something attractive and sexy ?That man in your life will certainly appreciate it lots. So ladies as you celebrate fathers day with the men in your lives, don’t just look attractive today, but make it a life style to look great, attractive even when there is no occasion. Remember ladies, a good reminder from Jordan Touch Communications, “An attractive woman is not born, but made, so make your self stunning and very attractive!” This should be a lifestyle every now and then. Enjoy your week and have a fabulous fathers day with the men in your lives. The rest as women you know, all I want you to understand is the power of attractiveness.

Understanding the man in your life

Understanding the man in your Life

By Herbert Mtowo

May I take this opportunity to wish all men in the group a happy father’s day and the women who love them who are meant to make the men, to become real men. In this article, I am looking at understanding what goes on in the man’s mind, heart and life, that includes how he handles his emotions and the impact this has on his relationship. I don’t know how many of us have read the book that talks of men being from Mars, and women are from Venus the book the author writes of the differences between the sexes when it comes to romance and relationships.

Both male and female approach relationships in very different ways, though the y are over exaggerated, because both have almost the same needs here and there, we just play them differently. Most men generally prefer to sole their problems using their thinking brain than their emotional brain. This article will enable women to understand the men in their lives, and become more emotionally aware and greatly improve the quality of their relationships. Men are very private creatures, most of them don’t even want the world to know their feelings, fears, pain and challenges that’s the reason why we have more suicides by men and more violence perpetrated by men too. Men are experts in bottling up issues, they take to long to trust even their wives of decades they still have issues they cant open up to them.

Men’s pursuit for hero status

These are things projected in men at a very early age, and when they grow up into adult their number one desire and pursuit s to be number one and the hero in all they do, even at any cost, as long they get to the to the summit. Most men strive to be successful in all they do and become the hero both at home and work or with colleagues. Men want to be the know it all, fix it all and help everybody person, and most women fall in love with men because of this. To women, this type of a man is strong and in control of his emotions. Most boys ideas of a men are projected early from the father’s and men in their lives. I always looked at my dad as the real men, in terms of strength, emotions and resilience was shocked on my mum’s funeral to see my dad weep and cry like a baby, and I had never in all my life seen my dad show signs of emotions or weaknesses. This is looked at as not being manly to have a man weep and lose control of his emotions. The biggest problem and challenge is that this show of strength is often a way of avoiding our deeper negative feelings. Society brings us to be strong and powerful, but deep inside a great man of us feel tired, weak and lacking in confidence. As a man I can confidently say most of the times we many a times often try to act like the heroes because we are afraid to show our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Just that we are men, doesn’t make us immune from fears and insecurities that all other human beings face. With most men, a sense of failure and inadequacy lurks in their hearts.

Raise a male child is the most difficult and challenging experience any parent can have. The way men has been raised up shapes his destiny and choices that he will make when he has his own family. These vulnerabilities and weaknesses stem from the broken bonding in their original families and most of them ended in feelings of guilty and shame, for having let people down and failure to help parents and siblings. This eats the hearts of most men. But instead of feeling guilty and being a failure most men would rather subdue their feelings and pretend that they don’t have them at all. As far as I am concerned I don’t buy the theory that men are lacking in motions, no they aren’t at all. Surveys have confirmed that men feel emotions as much, if not more than women, when it comes to heartbreaks, love and loneliness. They furtively swallow and hold back of tears is at times successful .Hey big boys really cry , Real men, do cry too.

The sad thing tough about all these heroic attempts to avoid emotions is that they bring about the very feelings that they are meant and designed to avoid and they ultimately damage our relationships with loved ones. Have you ever noticed that, in early stages of love and romance, male’s stoicism is very attractive, and it eventually becomes the Achilles Heel. This s important to women and the man who love them, if men do not feel and express their emotions, one of two things will eventually happen. Firstly men will gradually withdraw their partners and secondly bury their themselves in their work(another place they want to become heroes),or something will crop up that forces them to feel their feelings-often a crisis like divorce or a wake up call through tragedy or illness. Most men only wake up when tragedy hits them, and times a lot of damage will have been done in their lives. Its never meant to be like this at all.

It is important to note that relationships don’t fail because of what is said but they fail because of what is not said. As men chose to suppress their emotions, they harm the most important relationships of their lives. I encourage women to help their men, how to feel their emotions and by doing so they enhance the quality of their relationships too.

Improving your relationship with your man

If one desires to have a quality relationship with their man, they must take time to invest into the relationship. There is no substitute for this, if one doesn’t invest or cultivate into their relationship, then they will always struggle to really enjoy it and see it blossom. To from, have and maintain a strong relationship with a man, it is very important to understand that much of his behavior is designed to avoid feeling and looking a failure. Though even your men himself is most unlikely to be aware of any of this just like you as a woman might not know too. With most men the fear of failure is so well hidden, such that they will strenuously or angrily deny that it exists. Men are competitors, they love to compete even with the women in their lives, to them being numero uno is the ultimate goal. They have in them a protective mechanism, to keep their feelings hidden

As a woman you will need to slowly and gently encourage your man to feel his feelings, so that he becomes more emotionally aware, the best he can achieve by feeling his own emotions and becoming as authentic as he can. All men fall in love with women who behave like women! Men love women to be tender, kind, emphatic, vulnerable, honest and feminine. All these and others are the natural characteristics of women and men cannot resist them they touch their own feminine aspects. To most men though this is threatening, but it is a fact that we both have the masculine and feminine sides to our personality. Women are best equipped to help the men discover this more emotionally expressive part of their lives. The turn around is to allow your man to be your hero, but not in the conventional macho way, but in an emotional and authentic way. Am sure we all know the word courage: The word courage is derived from the French word Coeur, which means my heart. The real courage for a man is to allow himself to let go his control and to open his heart. Take time to let him know that you find him attractive and brave when he is n touch with his emotions, when he can show them without attack or withdrawal. Hey!, make it okay for him to cry and be supported by you if that is what he needs in order to release the pent-up emotions. Most men don’t have the platform of hearts to open up and just let go as they weep. Take time to appreciate his openness and find the courage to communicate about your own fears and insecurities. Most men tend to childishly think its only them afraid and them having insecurities, yet the whole world people go through these fears. As time goes on the two of you will become more and more emotionally honest with each other and as your hearts open, your love for each other will grow and be re-kindled. This surely is a real aphrodisiac so the new found honesty will enhance fun in the bedroom!.

Several of the problems we see and hear in the world today are the result of men not allowing themselves to feel their emotions and let go their fears. The emotional dissociation creates competition power-struggle, greed, hatred and war. Women are experts in the area of emotional intelligence and have crucial to help their men unearth, face and heal their fears. That is only when we will become real men and start living more emotionally authentic and fulfilled lives that we secretly crave for. May I take this opportunity to wish all men a happy fathers ` day and the women in your lives to understand you better each and everyday.