Survival of Distance Relationships 2

Survival of Distance Relationships 2

The impact of character and personality in relationships/marriage

By Herbert Mtowo

Have you ever tried to figure out why your partner behaves the way they behave, especially when t comes to the issue of cheating on you. Everyone has an explanation to say why they are cheating, but if you were to get the truth that their character and personality play a big role in contributing to how they relate and behave in the relationship, a lot of your worries and stress will be a thing of the past. We should able to understand the deference between character and personality. In this article I have put much emphasis on the two and how they impact, negatively or positively in our relationships. The cause of many relationships breaking, many divorces, unfaithfulness and lying and cheating are clearly understood when we deal with character and personality thoroughly. So the survival of long distance relationships, or those who travel a lot due to work commitments cannot squarely be blamed on the distance, but more on the character and personalities of the parties involved in the relationship or marriage. This article will help you see and identify the problem and deal with. You must be able to confidently say that you know the character and personality of the person you are married to or in love with, if not you will always be disappointed, but I pray that this article will wet your appetite to understand your partner’s personality and character, if you didn’t know the journey begins now.


When you begin to understand personality and character, you eyes are opened as to many of the things that you had questions about n your relationship and why your partner cheats on you, behaves the way he or she behaves. Simplified definition for personality would be something like this, It is the innate feature of a person which makes him/her unique and subjective. Personality s something of which one is born with, it is in their genes. In reality you can try to fake personality, but you cant fake character. The difference between personality and character is similar to the difference between the weather and the climate, they are kind of woven together. It s important that we understand these two character and personality, so that we are empowered to relate well or deal with relational challenges with our partners. Though the two are very similar in definitions, they can still be differentiated. You often hear people saying this as they describe their partners” He is caring but sometimes very indifferent; he is responsible and yet reckless, but above all he has a good heart.

Most of the times when we fall in love with someone, we fall for the personality more than the character of the person. With most ladies the first thing they say amongst themselves is,” Oh, he has a wonderful personality, he is cute”, with men you hear this,” Oh, she is so sweet” Down the line we realize later that this personality or cute, sweet person, doesn’t have a character at all, by then we are deep in love with them. So the truth is personality can be deceiving, though the two are equally important n identifying the right partner. Its great to get a good woman, who is sweet, lovely and blessed with a wonderful figure, but with character and also get a great man, cute, clean and also with a very good character. If he/she ahs a wonderful personality but with no character its easy for them to fall for anybody who comes their way when they are not with you, they have traveled and live n a different location from yours. !) Many people I speak to have always wanted to get this phrase expanded "character is who you are when no one is looking". It is the core of who you are and what defines you. It is the reason why I can love someone, but not trust them farther than I can throw a stick. Despite someone’s great personality, if they have lousy character, they cannot be trusted. It is of paramount importance to be able to delineate between the two and it is very wise to understand the difference. Personality is a pretty important word in the English language. If you ask someone why they chose their spouse or what the most important quality the look for in a friend is, most people many people will say “a great personality.” But, what does that mean? The truth is, the meaning of a “great personality” is different for everyone. Some people like quiet people, while others want to hang out with the loudest person in the room. Some value humor, while others praise intellect. And, of course, many people can have both intellect and humor and these things are both part of their personalities. These different factors, in fact, are considered to be personality traits. How compatible are you and the person you are with? How would you know? Just because you like the same types of foods and pets does not mean that you can have a blissful, long-term relationship. Do you know why your mate does or doesn’t attend church? Do you know how they really think about the way you dress? Did you know that 86 % of divorces and relational breakdowns would have been avoided if people take time to know the characters and personalities of their lovers before they would have committed themselves to marriage.

Character is objective

Character traits which include trust ,honesty, responsibility, leadership, loyalty and courage are crucial in determining how your partner behaves when they are away from you. It is important that one’s character can be judged objectively and despite its detractors, can be taught. Character is universal and objective and can be improved, developed, changed, adapted within the society interacted to. That’s why you also find some men and women’s characters are influenced or shaped by the people they move with most of the times, or by individual experiences. So it would be appropriate to say that: Character means the group features, traits and characteristics that form the individual nature of some person or thing, or the distinguishing attributes of a person.

However educators are bypassing the difficulty of teaching character and have gone directly to self-esteem, the reward of strong character. But without character, self-esteem is a hollow, free-floating concept. And while character traits are universal, each individual has the choice to accept or reject them. One of character’s best features is that you can mimic them without conviction and the end result is the same. For instance, a coward can recognize he’s a coward yet still perform an act of bravery and no one will fault him acting out of character.

Personality is subjective.

It is true that personality is the essential character of a person or visible aspect of one’s character as it impresses others. Personality includes your sense of humor (or lack of), whether you’re outgoing or shy, friendly or stoic, your interests, passions, and the list goes on. While some people have well-developed personalities, their character sucks and you eventually avoid them even though “they’re a lot of fun. Some people like any particular personality while others don’t. So your understanding of these two goes a long way in enjoying your relationship with your partner who s in a different location with you, travels a lot on consultancy work, a truck driver or a celebrity. Personality is the is to many celebrities the most important thing, no wonder why we have millions of them jumping to bed with every Tom and Harry, wily nilly ,if they would work on their characters some of them wouldn’t be going through heartaches and pain as they do.

With all this I have said above, I can now confidently say without any doubt, that personality can open doors, but its character that keeps the doors open. Personality can make you get a great, lovely woman ,one cute looking dude but its your character that can keep your new found love into your heart and life. Its character that keeps you faithful to your partner, despite your travel schedules or your being in a far away geographical location. Many people before they get married are taken through a 6 week (which I think is not enough) marriage counseling sessions that their churches offer, but at times they are just done routinely and don’t yield desired results, and three years or less later the same people are filing for divorce. Now in marriage they will discover a lot of things about their mates, that they didn’t know and during the counseling sessions none of the to really opened up. Though I agree with the statistic that if you go to pre-marital counseling before you get married it will cut down your probability of getting divorced by 75%. But the big question is have you given yourself time to understand the personality and character of your to be lifetime wife/husband. I will go into detail in the next article on the impact of character and personality on any relationship and marriage. Hope you are understanding is being enlightened for the good, to build and not to destroy.

To be continued:……………

Consultant: Herbert Mtowo
Mobile S.A +27798665049
Telephone: S.A + 2712320 5869
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Understanding Abusive Conducts

Understanding Abusive conducts

Abusive conduct is not a uniform, homogeneous phenomenon. It stems and emanates from multiples sources and manifests in a myriad ways. Following are a few useful distinctions which pertain to abuse and could serve as organizing, taxonomical principles (dimensional typologies) in a kind of matrix.

1. Overt vs. Covert abuse

Overt abuse is the open and explicit, easily discernible, clear-cut abuse of another person in any way, shape, or form (verbal, physical, sexual, financial, psychological-emotional, etc.).

Covert abuse revolves around the abuser’s need to assert and maintain control over his victim. It can wear many forms, not all of which are self-evident, unequivocal, and unambiguous.

2. Explicit vs. Stealth or Ambient abuse (Gaslighting)

A more useful distinction, therefore, is between explicit (manifest, obvious, indisputable, easily observable even by a casual spectator or interlocutor) and stealth (or ambient) abuse, also known as gas lighting. This is the fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control.

3. Projective vs. Directional abuse

Projective abuse is the outcome of the abuser’s projection defence mechanism. Projection is when the abuser attributes to others feelings and traits and motives that he possesses but deems unacceptable, discomfiting, and ill-fitting. This way he disowns these discordant features and secures the right to criticize and chastise others for having or displaying them. Such abuse is often cathartic (see the next pair of categories)

Directional abuse is not the result of projection. It is a set of behaviours aimed at a target (the victim) for the purpose of humiliating, punishing, or manipulating her. Such abusive conduct is functional, geared towards securing a favoured and desired outcome.

4. Cathartic vs. Functional abuse

While pair number (3) above deals with the psychodynamic roots of the abuser’s misbehaviour, the current pair of categories is concerned with its consequences. Some abusers behave the way they do because it alleviates their anxieties; enhances their inflated, grandiose self-image; or purges "impurities" and imperfections that they perceive either in the victim, or in the situation (e.g., in their marriage). Thus, such abuse is cathartic: it is aimed at making the abuser feel better. Projective abuse, for instance, is always cathartic.

The other reason to abuse someone is because the abuser wants to motivate his victim to do something, to feel in a certain way, or to refrain from committing an act. This is functional abuse in that it helps the abuser to adapt to his environment and operate in it, however dysfunctional.

5. Pattern (or structured) vs. Stochastic (or Random) abuse

Some abusers heap abuse all the time on everyone around them: spouse, children, neighbours, friends, bosses, colleagues, authority figures, and underlings.. Abusive conduct is the only way they know how to react to a world which they perceive to be hostile and exploitative. Their behaviours are "hard-wired", rigid, ritualistic, and structured.

Other abusers are less predictable. They are explosive and impulsive. They have a problem with managing their anger. They respond with temper tantrums to narcissistic injuries and real and imaginary slights (ideas of reference. These abusers appear to strike "out of the blue", in a chaotic and random manner.

6. Monovalent vs. Polyvalent abuse

The monovalent abuser abuses only one party, repeatedly, viciously, and thoroughly. Such abusers perpetrate their acts in well-defined locations or frameworks (e.g., at home, or in the workplace). They take great care to hide their hideous exploits and present a socially-acceptable face (or, rather, facade) in public. Their are driven by the need to annihilate the object of their maltreatment, or the source of their frustration and pathological envy.

In contrast, the polyvalent abuser casts his net wide and far and does not "discriminate" in choosing his prey. He is an "equal opportunity abuser" with multiple victims, who, often, have little in common. He is rarely concerned with appearances and regards himself above the Law.. He holds everyone – and especially authority figures – in contempt. He is usually antisocial (psychopathic) and narcissistic..

7. Characteristic (personal style) vs. Atypical abuse

Abuse amounts to the personal style of most Pattern, or Structured abusers. Demeaning, injurious, humiliating, and offensive behaviour is their modus operandi, their reflexive reaction to stimuli, and their credo. Stochastic, or Random abusers act normatively and "normally" most of the time. Their abusive conduct is an aberration, a deviation, and perceived by their nearest and dearest to be atypical and even shocking.

8. Normative vs. Deviant abuse.

We all inflict abuse on others from time to time. Some abusive reactions are within the social norms and not considered to be indicative or a personal pathology, or of a socio-cultural anomie. In certain circumstances, abuse as a reaction is called for and deemed healthy and socially-commendable.

Still, the vast majority of abusive behaviours should be regarded as deviant, pathological, antisocial, and perverse.

It is important to distinguish between normative and deviant abuse. A total lack of aggression is as unhealthy as a surfeit. The cultural context is critical in assessing when someone crosses the line and becomes an abuser.