Understanding the man in your Life
By Herbert Mtowo
May I take this opportunity to wish all men in the group a happy father’s day and the women who love them who are meant to make the men, to become real men. In this article, I am looking at understanding what goes on in the man’s mind, heart and life, that includes how he handles his emotions and the impact this has on his relationship. I don’t know how many of us have read the book that talks of men being from Mars, and women are from Venus the book the author writes of the differences between the sexes when it comes to romance and relationships.
Both male and female approach relationships in very different ways, though the y are over exaggerated, because both have almost the same needs here and there, we just play them differently. Most men generally prefer to sole their problems using their thinking brain than their emotional brain. This article will enable women to understand the men in their lives, and become more emotionally aware and greatly improve the quality of their relationships. Men are very private creatures, most of them don’t even want the world to know their feelings, fears, pain and challenges that’s the reason why we have more suicides by men and more violence perpetrated by men too. Men are experts in bottling up issues, they take to long to trust even their wives of decades they still have issues they cant open up to them.
Men’s pursuit for hero status
These are things projected in men at a very early age, and when they grow up into adult their number one desire and pursuit s to be number one and the hero in all they do, even at any cost, as long they get to the to the summit. Most men strive to be successful in all they do and become the hero both at home and work or with colleagues. Men want to be the know it all, fix it all and help everybody person, and most women fall in love with men because of this. To women, this type of a man is strong and in control of his emotions. Most boys ideas of a men are projected early from the father’s and men in their lives. I always looked at my dad as the real men, in terms of strength, emotions and resilience was shocked on my mum’s funeral to see my dad weep and cry like a baby, and I had never in all my life seen my dad show signs of emotions or weaknesses. This is looked at as not being manly to have a man weep and lose control of his emotions. The biggest problem and challenge is that this show of strength is often a way of avoiding our deeper negative feelings. Society brings us to be strong and powerful, but deep inside a great man of us feel tired, weak and lacking in confidence. As a man I can confidently say most of the times we many a times often try to act like the heroes because we are afraid to show our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Just that we are men, doesn’t make us immune from fears and insecurities that all other human beings face. With most men, a sense of failure and inadequacy lurks in their hearts.
Raise a male child is the most difficult and challenging experience any parent can have. The way men has been raised up shapes his destiny and choices that he will make when he has his own family. These vulnerabilities and weaknesses stem from the broken bonding in their original families and most of them ended in feelings of guilty and shame, for having let people down and failure to help parents and siblings. This eats the hearts of most men. But instead of feeling guilty and being a failure most men would rather subdue their feelings and pretend that they don’t have them at all. As far as I am concerned I don’t buy the theory that men are lacking in motions, no they aren’t at all. Surveys have confirmed that men feel emotions as much, if not more than women, when it comes to heartbreaks, love and loneliness. They furtively swallow and hold back of tears is at times successful .Hey big boys really cry , Real men, do cry too.
The sad thing tough about all these heroic attempts to avoid emotions is that they bring about the very feelings that they are meant and designed to avoid and they ultimately damage our relationships with loved ones. Have you ever noticed that, in early stages of love and romance, male’s stoicism is very attractive, and it eventually becomes the Achilles Heel. This s important to women and the man who love them, if men do not feel and express their emotions, one of two things will eventually happen. Firstly men will gradually withdraw their partners and secondly bury their themselves in their work(another place they want to become heroes),or something will crop up that forces them to feel their feelings-often a crisis like divorce or a wake up call through tragedy or illness. Most men only wake up when tragedy hits them, and times a lot of damage will have been done in their lives. Its never meant to be like this at all.
It is important to note that relationships don’t fail because of what is said but they fail because of what is not said. As men chose to suppress their emotions, they harm the most important relationships of their lives. I encourage women to help their men, how to feel their emotions and by doing so they enhance the quality of their relationships too.
Improving your relationship with your man
If one desires to have a quality relationship with their man, they must take time to invest into the relationship. There is no substitute for this, if one doesn’t invest or cultivate into their relationship, then they will always struggle to really enjoy it and see it blossom. To from, have and maintain a strong relationship with a man, it is very important to understand that much of his behavior is designed to avoid feeling and looking a failure. Though even your men himself is most unlikely to be aware of any of this just like you as a woman might not know too. With most men the fear of failure is so well hidden, such that they will strenuously or angrily deny that it exists. Men are competitors, they love to compete even with the women in their lives, to them being numero uno is the ultimate goal. They have in them a protective mechanism, to keep their feelings hidden
As a woman you will need to slowly and gently encourage your man to feel his feelings, so that he becomes more emotionally aware, the best he can achieve by feeling his own emotions and becoming as authentic as he can. All men fall in love with women who behave like women! Men love women to be tender, kind, emphatic, vulnerable, honest and feminine. All these and others are the natural characteristics of women and men cannot resist them they touch their own feminine aspects. To most men though this is threatening, but it is a fact that we both have the masculine and feminine sides to our personality. Women are best equipped to help the men discover this more emotionally expressive part of their lives. The turn around is to allow your man to be your hero, but not in the conventional macho way, but in an emotional and authentic way. Am sure we all know the word courage: The word courage is derived from the French word Coeur, which means my heart. The real courage for a man is to allow himself to let go his control and to open his heart. Take time to let him know that you find him attractive and brave when he is n touch with his emotions, when he can show them without attack or withdrawal. Hey!, make it okay for him to cry and be supported by you if that is what he needs in order to release the pent-up emotions. Most men don’t have the platform of hearts to open up and just let go as they weep. Take time to appreciate his openness and find the courage to communicate about your own fears and insecurities. Most men tend to childishly think its only them afraid and them having insecurities, yet the whole world people go through these fears. As time goes on the two of you will become more and more emotionally honest with each other and as your hearts open, your love for each other will grow and be re-kindled. This surely is a real aphrodisiac so the new found honesty will enhance fun in the bedroom!.
Several of the problems we see and hear in the world today are the result of men not allowing themselves to feel their emotions and let go their fears. The emotional dissociation creates competition power-struggle, greed, hatred and war. Women are experts in the area of emotional intelligence and have crucial to help their men unearth, face and heal their fears. That is only when we will become real men and start living more emotionally authentic and fulfilled lives that we secretly crave for. May I take this opportunity to wish all men a happy fathers ` day and the women in your lives to understand you better each and everyday.