Betrayed Yes !–but you can still trust and love again. By Herbert Mtowo One of the most difficult experiences in life is to be betrayed, whether in a relationship, business or work environment. It cuts so deep and the damage is devastating, and the betrayed take a lot of time to trust people in relationships, business or church relations. Talking to several women from all over the world, from different cultures and ethnicity backgrounds one statement ,” All men are the same !” though I beg to differ with my friends women on that one. I still struggle to convince many to believe me when I say, Not all men are the same.” You will also hear most men say openly,” All women are the same !” If you don’t read between the lines you can pick it up this statement is from people who have been betrayed, cheated and taken advantage of. By far the most asked about question is that of lack of trust in relationships. As I continue with my article of letting go your ex-lover, I pray that those who had lost the desire and the joy to love again, dust themselves and move on, yes after betrayal ,heartbreak and being let down, you can still wake up from the pain and find love in someone again. I beg to differ with many ladies that all men are the same, no its not true. If you find some bad apples on the tree it doesn’t mean all are bad They may all be apples but believe you me they don’t taste the same. Many people speak of their fear of being betrayed by a partner, or perhaps a friend or even colleague or church folks. Allow me to explain why people have such fears and hope to show how people can manage their fears and re-build trust to love and relate again. I would like to look at it from two angles, that one of the victim and perpetrator and the betrayer and the betrayed. People are betrayed in so many ways, firstly when our needs aren’t being met in relationships. Any relationship can collapse if needs are neglected, as the relationship grows and matures. Most needs have to be met perfectly in the teething stage of the relationship. The gradually both partners reduce the amount of giving and receiving of love and affection and they start squabbles and drifting apart. The comes the temptation to search for another person, because you begin to feel that something is missing. And most of the times one turns to an affair or just fantasizes about other people. At this stage it is very defining to re-discover the qualities that were present and dominant when you met your partner. Though its not always that simple, but t would be good to have a simple heart to heart honest chat, and openly talk about what each partner is missing in the relationship. Then there are those who have not been betrayed, but just have the fear that their partner will stray, become paranoid or jealous. One may ask, “How an I deal with these feelings and fears”? The truth is its not about trying to change your partner, but its time to look into your inner self. This sounds unbelievable but very true indeed, “People have a fear of betrayal because they just don’t trust themselves.!” To those who are familiar with the bible, will recall some words by Job, in the Old Testament when he said, “What I feared most has fallen on me.!” Though it sounds preposterous but the truth is, “Everything you fear tends to occur in your life. “If you get into a relationship with the fear of betrayal its worse than betrayal itself. It is always good for an individual to deal with their fears, so that they can learn to trust again, than hold on to past hurts and betrayal experiences. If betrayal or the fear of it is recurring pattern in your life, or the guilty of having betrayed or have the potential to betray somebody. You usually end up having the fear that the same thing will happen to you again, you will be haunted by the thought that relationships will end up in betrayal too. Bt this are getting rid of the need for you to learn to trust, despite the previous betrayals. You might have eaten one bad apple, but they don’t all taste that bad, you happened to have just tasted one of the bad ones unfortunately. But don’t label all apples because of the taste of the one you tasted. With such fears of betrayal you will struggle to trust your partner, and by so failing to enjoy any new relationship. Most of the times in our formative years, we probably had experiences of being abandoned and betrayed. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a dramatic event like being left, or rejected, but you may have felt the pain and shame of being let down or emotionally abandoned. It becomes clear as you probe deeper into your mind, that you will realize that every resentment or negative belief you harbor about somebody, is mirrored in a belief about you. You end up dealing with guilty and pain of whether you caused the other person to abandon you. Yet it happened and you should free yourself from guilty and move on. It impacts so negatively on you such that, from a spiritual point of view, thus assuming you have such negative views, the painful and brutal experiences of life might have brought you to the conclusion that there is no God or if He is there, He has abandoned you. I have met hurting people believing in God or not who have been hurt really bad in relationships who firmly believe that God was watching aloof, while someone betrayed them or had joined the betrayer to hurt them. This belief of abandonment, reappears then in relationships. Those who are atheists also during this time they also feel abandoned even by a supernatural being, as they struggle to come to terms with betrayal and being cheated on in a relationship. There is always a way through these experiences of betrayal, let down and cheated on. One of the ways to move on is to recognize your own temptation to also betray others, and this comes from a lack of belief mainly in your own ability to meet your own needs, your inability to find self love, whether on a mortal plane or through embracing your spiritual gifts. You need to genuinely forgive yourself, your partner for betraying you and trying by all means to reconnect n all your relationships with the mortal and the Devine, but particularly with your partner, surely this will take away the dynamics of betrayal. Life is too short for you to live, licking your wounds, feeling hopeless, rejected and dejected. It happened that you were betrayed, but believe you me hope isn’t lost, give yourself time to heal again and cooperate to allow your healing to go uninterrupted, with time you will be in the arms of someone who will love you unconditionally despite your past experiences. You need to believe that, you are your own person, unique gifted and lovable. Celebrate your individuality, and embrace the future with gladness and excitement reminding yourself that you will love again. Now you need meaningful, sincere, honest communication with yourself, about fears around betrayal, about your own temptations, and take note of what you feel is lacking hat is what is very useful. Most of the times it is the fact that you have not voiced these concerns, that has damaged the trust in most relationships. It sure will take great courage and strength to speak out these fears, but that’s the only best way to re build a relationship, and have t based on honesty and trust. To those where the betrayal has already occurred and your relationship has ended, you sure can heal your own sense of abandonment, and betrayal through forgiveness so that you minimize the chances of it happening again in the future. Trust refreshes any relationships and brings it to a level of joy and gladness. The challenge with most people is that, they are too needy in relationships, they are needy of being loved, pampered, that’s all good, but sad to say a needy person is easily broken or betrayed and struggle to heal and recover. Their whole world collapses after they discover that they have been abandoned. Women suffer are the main culprits when it comes to being too needy. Believe that as much as you need to be loved, you can also give love. You are not in a relationship just to receive love, but also to give love and give it wholeheartedly .We have created a situation most men think that they are supposed to be given love by women without them giving love, they want women to give their bodies, yet they don’t want to give their time, love and their bodies. Have you ever wondered why Go brought us together, because we both need and want each other, not that women or men should want the other more. These are stubborn facts that, both male and female have the capacity to love, give love an deceive love. Take an inventory of your heart and check, what you really want, both to love and give love, if your need for love outweighs your ability to give love, then that is clear sign there are issues to be dealt with and have you prepared to love. I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you to all who have been writing and responding to the articles. Thank you for letting us know that you are being inspired and blessed by the articles, and seeing changes on the positive in your relationships. We thank God for you. You are welcome if you have particular topics you want us to deal with. Thanks to you all may the good Lord continue to bless you and prosper you and educate you to love and love sincerely.