The fight of letting go an ex lover
By Herbert Mtowo
If you have been in love like most of us, this is a very interesting topic that few are prepared to talk about. We would rather fight a silent war for many years without letting anybody help us in this never ending battle. To those who have dated someone before their current lover or spouse will agree with me that, despite the circumstances of your breaking up with your man or woman, whether you had married or were still dating, the challenges of letting go is a very long and tiring experience which may even take a lifetime if you are not totally healed or helped to recover from this failed relationship or marriage. A lot of people struggle to let go of people and relationships. They find it incredibly hard to let go the wife, husband, man or woman from a failed marriage or relationship.
If you read most of the profile of Facebook friends you will realize that we are really hurting and in need of help and healing say,” In a relationship but complicated, “Others have gone from being married to single, from being engaged to single, that will make you realize that matters of the heart really take much of our time on Facebook. The only danger with some of our profiles is that we expose ourselves to the wrong people at times, and end up hurting instead of getting the healing we so desperately need. let friendships develop before you can begin to talk of love, it takes time for people to get really honest through the internet. If you have a needy attitude for love you may end up getting the wrong person, in your life. Watch my next article. Am I saying its not good to get love,? No, Not at all. It’s really good, but just make sure you don’t inflict more pain on a fresh wound in the name of love.
I will therefore focus in this article on the reasons letting-go can be so difficult and the things we can do to make it easier and allow us to live our lives fully again. The main reason we struggle to let go in a romantic situation, is that we still believe that our ex-partner is there to meet our needs. During the relationship they probably did meet those needs (although those same needs were probably what destroyed the relationship too!) and when it finished, we were left feeling empty and lost. Often we choose to end a relationship and then later regret our decision because we have forgotten that that person was meeting some of our needs. In essence, we fail to let go when there is unfinished emotional business in a relationship. A lot of people get into a knew relationship whilst loaded with lots of baggage of the previous relationship and instead of enjoying their knew found love, they are always reminding themselves of the other love and wishing if it was ex. The loss in a failed relationship is mostly felt in two key ways. Its important that we understand We may miss all the lovely things about our ex and long to have them back- conveniently forgetting all the things we hated or that drove us mad. Alternatively we may continue to resent them or fight with them, long after the relationship has needed. In my relationship counseling work I am often amazed that ex-partners can still be fighting decades after a divorce or a relationship break up. It may take more than fourteen years and to some a lifetime ,as the fight rages on about property they once shared together.
There is a lot of resentment and anger, which is clearly an inability to let somebody go from your life. Needless to say, holding on to anybody in a positive or a negative way is not healthy because unless we have let somebody go we are not fully available for a new partner. Our life’s energy is being wasted by dwelling on the past, rather than living in the present. I am not really sure if most people who start knew relationships today are ready for new partners, based on this fight and struggle to let go. The death of most new relationships start the day they have begun, simply because they are started on the wrong foundations of wishful thinking and longing ness for the past. Some even their idea of the type of the new lover they want s influenced by their refusal to let go. That’s why many today are married to John but still n love with Peter, or in love with Mary, but wishing and hoping that she is Jane. If you don’t let go your past, your future will remain your past, instead of experiencing the newness of love.
Ways to help you to let go.
Many a times people who have not let go somebody from their past, still identify needs that they want their ex to fulfill. That’s a clear indication you are still holding and living in the past than enjoying your yet to blossom love. Alternatively, what aspect of relationship is not currently present in your current relationship or life that they provided. You may be in a new relationship and still hanker after somebody or you may be obsessed with getting your old partner back into your life. Perhaps you miss their tenderness, their beauty, their strength or their sexuality. Whatever things are, they are your needs and you are probably trying to find somebody else to meet them today. The trick is to understand that if you can see these gifts in somebody else, then you must have them in yourself – as the saying goes, it takes one to know one! At some point in your life you turned away from these gifts and felt you had to find the same qualities in a partner, so that you could feel whole. If that person then departed from your life, you would have felt very lacking in that area. We have a needy mentality when we get into love, and that makes us very vulnerable to being hurt and refuse to let go. Being needy and being in love are two different things altogether. If you are in love just because you a needy person, who feels empty and wants to be completed by somebody then, you are skating on thin ice. It would be very difficult for such a person-needy to settle in love.
Identify the needs you are trying to meet with an ex, or even with a new partner, and try to see that ability of potential in you, to meet those needs. It is important that such a person be able to work on their self-esteem and any heartbreaks and traumas your past that have lead to having any negative self-beliefs. Some people get in love and lose their self-esteem and worthiness, they begin to tie their joy and happiness on a person, than in the realization of their uniqueness. As you recognize these gifts in yourself you will not feel so dependent on your ex. Typically you will need to work at letting-go over a period of time as our needs and hurt can come in many layers, which need healing one at a time. Now am sure you realize why so many people commit suicide after they have been dumped or heart broken. As much as I strongly believe that love is such a wonderful thing, but there is absolutely no reason to end your life because he or she left you. Anytime divorce or a break up takes place, only one partner is prepared for it. The other is always taken unaware. Those who just wait to be loved without giving love to the full are the ones who hurt most and refuse to let go whenever a break up happens. Though it is common knowledge that a break up hurts both the one who initiates it and the victim.
If you are still feeling angry or resentful about an ex, the way to move on is the same as I have just described, but you will also need to forgive them for having let you down. Any bad behavior would have been coming from their own emotional and spiritual pain. Realize that they were almost certainly looking for the same gifts in you that you were looking for in them. The truth is both of you had them, but had lost sight of this. If you have a spiritual or religious belief, then you can ask for strength and guidance in your letting-go and for the truth to be revealed for you all. Forgiveness is one of the most effective ways of letting go, and allowing the healing to begin n your life. Healing is not an event but a process, during this time you don’t need to quickly jump into a new relationship, until your are healthy and strong enough to take on a new person into your life. Resentment and Unforgiveness are clear signs that you are still hurting and it’s a cry for help. Of all living creatures human beings top the list of those with the capacity take pain, pressure and tragedy and still move on in life. We need to take a close look at the strength that God invested in us to take a lick and another lick and still not remain victims. At times I tend to think we should be able to thank our ex for moving away from our lives, thank them for breaking our hearts, because if they had not done so we would not have been this wiser and found our new beauty in love. Its not all gloom and doom, let go and embrace the love that awaits you.
This sounds crazy, but believe you me it works, in cases of letting-go you must move to a place where you love your ex- enough to let them go. That is really letting go. Did you know that, love never takes prisoners – true love holds on to no attachments and no needs. If we truly love somebody, then we would not cage them and seek to stop them moving forward in their life. Send your love and blessings to them for a good life. Trust them to lead their own life and allow them to make their own mistakes, so that they can learn and grow. Just imagine how many prisoners we hold in our hearts, as most of us have skeletons in the cupboards of hurts and regrets of past relationships. Truth be told both men and women struggle to let go, and the damage is severe in both lives. But hope with this article you will dust yourself up again and move on. The past is behind you, the best years of your life are ahead of you. I am not belittling the hurts and the pain you have carried in your body and heart all these years, but there is a solution that requires your participation. Don’t let nobody love you because they feel sorry for yah, you ain`t that cheap to fall for every Tom and Harry, simply because somebody left you.
If you are in a situation where you wonder if it was right to have split up from your partner, by completing the letting-go process and reaching a place of ‘no attachment’ to the outcome, that person will naturally come back to you if this is true for you both. But never stoop so low to beg someone for love, its never meant to be out of desperation but respect for love. Our whole lives can be seen as ongoing, letting-go opportunities – we are letting-go of our need for somebody else to make us happy and instead, finding it within or through our spirituality. We all need love, but we must also be able to give as much as we want to receive love. Thank you very much for all the feedbacks, and responses to our articles. We are forever grateful. Peace and love from JTC.