A deeper loook at unfaithfulness

A deeper look at unfaithfulness.

I hope you are all good and basking in love. We have written several articles that have to do with cheating, affairs and unfaithfulness one way or the other. You will agree with me that this is a real thorny issue when it comes to relationships, whether you are married, just started dating or about to get married, this is a very delicate matter. In this article I will try to put more emphasis on the causes and the solutions. The  requests I get to elaborate more and give more information on this issue, makes it clear to me that this is a big issue. The past four or five articles are inter-woven, and the main thrust has been put on recovering and moving on as an individual, after a failed relationship or marriage. The bottom line about unfaithfulness, is a clear cry for help on the part of the one who has strayed. Human beings don’t just confide by word of mouth, but one of their most effective ways of communicating is through body language. So next time you find yourself in bed with another men’s woman or another woman’s men, please don’t mistake it for love. It never was nor will be. Dig deep into that life you will discover that there is pain, heartache, loneliness an emptiness and longing ness, because of a discord in the relationships. Its a cry for help, and not for sexual intimacy. Human beings are emotional creatures, who are very sensitive to want to be loved, but many schooled be taught to give love as much as they want to be loved. Read this with me and hope this answers a lot of questions about your partner, for the good.

 I give glory to God that most of the articles if not all get responses that show that they are appealing to the very issues people would have been or are currently going through. So we thank God that, these articles are practical and helping people in their time of need and despair. Cheating, affairs and infidelity cause more pain than perhaps any other relationship problem because of the loss of trust and betrayal that is involved. When somebody cheats on you they abuse you and disregard your feelings – it is as if they have thrown a bomb into the relationship. It can seem impossible to re-build a relationship after an affair, but I want to show you that this is possible, by explaining why most affairs happen in the first place. I will describe how an affair is an echo of a similar pain-filled, heartbreak from much earlier in our lives. If an affair has ended your relationship already, it s important that you know  how you can move forward in your life and make sure that this never happens to you again.

People cheat and have affairs when one or more of their needs has not been met in their current relationship. They are trying to use somebody else to heal them so that they do not have to face their own fears and insecurities. The need might be for sex but the chances are that this hides a much deeper need for love and acceptance. They may have felt that their relationship had become stale and boring and suddenly another person offers excitement, a new beginning and love. Of course, this is rather cowardly, but you must never forget the power of our needs. To feel adored and loved by somebody is a like a drug to somebody who does not love themselves fully.

Taking  a deeper look about affairs, you will realize that, they are about competition and inequality which is picked up when we are very young. To understand how this happens, let me  use Sigmund Freud’s ideas about Oedipal relationships. The renowned scholar, based his ideas on the famous Greek myth of Oedipus, the young prince who had been fostered as a child and did not know his parents. Later he killed his father in a fight and later fell in love and married his mother. Eventually his mother discovered she had married her son and committed suicide. Oedipus  gouged his own eyes out and soon died full of guilt and remorse for having killed and caused the death of both  parents. Sigmund Freud believed that this tragic story contains within it all the problems that crop up in relationships and that they originate in our first experience of falling in love with the opposite sex parent. I don’t know how many of us are familiar with the writings of Freud, but there is a lot of truth in what he talks about here. Most of the relational problems we have today can be traced somewhere in our lives. Its sad that most of our relationship problems today, can be traced back from our first dates, we allowed our first dates to define all our coming dates, or from our family relations. We have too many mama’s boys who are failing in love because they have been spoon fed and spoiled to fail to embrace manhood and the demands of it. Don’t you know some men who expect their women to be to behave, love and do all like their mothers, simply because of the impact the mum put into their lives. Their some women who want their men to measure up to their dad’s style of being a men, and if these tow don’t get it from their men and women, the chances are that, they will go on a hunting mission, for what a resemblance of their parents. Eventually unfaithfulness creeps in, there is a emptiness which has been created by past relationships.

It is well known that, the Oedipus Complex is a triangular relationship, because a child comes between his or her parents. This normally means that there is a stronger connection between one parent than the other – the opposite sex parent. Early in life there is a genuine loving connection between the child and the parent but suddenly this is broken. This does include a subconscious sexual element, which is what begins to create problems. Romantic love between a child and a parent is taboo and the parent will often be the first to break the bond to avoid going out of integrity. Unfortunately this can come as a terrible shock to the child who then suffers massive confusion and heartbreak and believes that love has been taken away. It is around such experiences that a great many of us create, first a resentment about our parent or parents, and then feel guilty for being part of the broken relationship. Everybody in an Oedipal triangle feels huge guilt – understanding that it is this that maintains and replicates triangles in later life is the key to ending and escaping affairs. I would encourage you to take an inventory of your life, just to see what impact has been put in your life, whether negatively or positively. One of the things that psychology has discovered is that, a girl child who grows up without the father’s love struggle when it comes to relationships, the same to the boy who grew up deprived the mother’s love. It s always important that there are father figures in the lives of both children and mother figures n the lives of girl children if their biological mother aren’t around to give them love or being there for them. It minimizes the damages that can take place if these figures are not available in the children’s lives.

If we experience an Oedipal heartbreak as a child it is likely that we continue this issue into our later life. We will probably have fused with the opposite sex parent (a false form of bonding that is based on fear and guilt rather than love) and may have rejected or tended to push away our other parent. It means we have not let the significant, opposite-sex parent go. In other words we have not recovered from the original heartbreak when our opposite-sex parent created separation in the relationship. If we have not let go, there is not enough room for a romantic partner in our life, and the relationship inevitably suffers. Worse still, we hanker after those original feelings of romantic love that we had with our parent (albeit subconsciously) and we want to replace them. A romantic partner may do this for a while but then our original guilt around our first loss of love begins to attack us. We assume that our partner is not good enough (they can never be our parent!) and search for somebody else. We may find such a person, but eventually the old guilt and sense of unmet needs will reappear and destroy that relationship.

It is important to understand that, Oedipal relationships therefore have a terrible habit of repeating themselves until they are healed at their core. This is always about healing the guilt of our original Oedipal separation. It is the guilt for believing that we were not good enough or that we did something wrong, such that our parent would reject us. It seems crazy, but we tend to blame ourselves when our relationships fail. This is never true and recognizing this mistake is the way to heal our problems with cheating and affairs. Will write an article manly on Oedipal relationships in the next coming articles, to the benefit of many. Though being a psychology student myself, there are some things about my field which I don’t buy into, but there are some issues that a layman can clearly understand without being schooled at all. Relationships that we have in our early years in life and love, literally define and mould us either for the good or bad, make us strong or weaklings. Do you really know ho you, as a result of associations, take a good look at yourself, to relate effectively. It is high time you and me realize that unfaithfulness is not a problem of those who are not bible believing Christians alone. This is a big challenge amongst believers, bible believing Christians ,but the church keeps silence on matters of life, but ends up doing reactionary prayers to when things have gotten put of hand. maybe this issue is even a big thing amongst bible believing Christians. To live in denial that its challenge is not to solve it, until it hits your relationship or marriage. Wake up and smell the coffee, we both have to face it and deal with it. We don’t just need to pray ,but to have wisdom and information on how best to deal with such issues, surround your life with men and women who speak direction, order and stability in your life. Condemning those who are caught in the web, is not helping to solve the problem.

If your partner has strayed, you can understand what they must have been feeling to do that – they must have some Oedipal guilt and a parent that they are holding onto. Can you identify the parent and see the Oedipal problem? Understanding this will help with forgiveness. We can also look at our own Oedipal tendencies – have you ever had an affair or been attracted to another person? Have you got over an early heartbreak with an opposite-sex parent? You will know if you have, because you will have a completely equal relationship with both parents and love them unconditionally and without any feelings of sacrifice. If you have an Oedipal issue you can visualize forgiving yourself and your parents and bringing them back together as partners, without you being in between them. Today you here married men who still behave like mummy’s boy, even if they are supposed to function as grown up individuals. There should be a time for parents to be able to wean their children from their influence as much as they wean them from breast milk. You need to be your own man and own woman, so that you build your relationships without giving it undue pressures.

Unfaithfulness, Cheating and affairs   are simply cries for help and help for both parties We only stray when we are unhappy This is the reality on most of the unfaithfulness. All around us we have people crying for help. Its not being macho to sleep with a woman, who is crying for help or a man who is pleading for help, and you mistake it for love. If issues are not attended to in a relationship ,both parties suffer at times irreparable damage. That a man is not able to meet the physical needs of his wife or woman, because of financial constraints is no justification for another man to take that woman to bed using his financial prowess. An affair is a triangle as well, with us, our partner and the other person forming the three corners. We must heal our original Oedipal triangles and forgive them in our partners. Good communications about unmet needs in a relationship will always help. By letting go of our Oedipal guilt, not only will we be less prone to betrayal and betraying others, but many other areas of our life will move forward as we gain more self-esteem. The message being sent by the woman you are having an affair with  behind his man’s back, is a cry and call for help, unfortunately we are the generation that eats it won wounded. In the animal Kingdom, human beings are the only creatures who feast on the wounds of their kind.

Have a great weekend and take time to take stock about your life. Problems will always be part of us, at time s you cant really people to confide with on such matters, I have realized human beings struggle to keep issues that they will have been told in confidents, that includes Pastors, Counselors, and people who are meant to be there for the hurting. Preachers can even make a sermon out of the life of a wounded sheep because they will have confided to them. We are not meant to destroy lives but build, not to tear apart but restore. Sorry to say but this is the truth, the church can be one of the most difficult places to be when you open up about your struggles, though God didn’t intend it to be that way. Peace and love from all of us at JTC. To those who are having birthdays this month, happy birthday to you all and enjoy yourselves. may God make you fruitful in all you do.



Kick Procrastination out of your life


A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of maize in the road. The farmer who lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey, Tom," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come on in and have a meal with us. Then I’ll help you get the wagon up."

"That’s really nice of you," Tom answered, "But I don’t think Dad would like me to."

"Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted.

"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed. "But Dad won’t like it."

After a hearty dinner, Tom thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know Dad is going to be real upset."

"Don’t be foolish!" exclaimed the neighbour. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

There is a proverb I heard a long time ago. It says, "don’t put off for tomorrow what you can do today". Be reminded that, “Procrastination is the thief of time”.

Procrastination is something that many of us deal with at one time or another in our life. Especially when we have to do something that is not fun to do at all. You really need to maximize your opportunities, whilst they come your way. Its a painful experience to live life regretting, I wish I had made a move for that woman, just to tell her that I love her, I wish I had done that course, I wish I had, the list is endless. God gave Abraham a promise of a son, but he didn’t need to pray and wait upon the Lord, He had to make love to his wife Sarah and expect God to do His part of fulfilling His promise. So many believers will tell you I am waiting for the promise of the Lord to be fulfilled in my life, whilst they do nothing. Every time God promises something He still wants your cooperation’s its to preach go out and preach, He will give the anointing and multiply the people, if its to run a business, what is your passion, start with what you have now and He will prosper it.

Ecclesiastes 9:10."Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might; for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going."

Many of us miss a lot of opportunities in our lives because we put off for tomorrow what we can do today and usually we have many good excuses to go with that.

Think about this, we all know Alexander Graham Bell, the guy who invented the telephone. Well there was another man in that whole story that we really hear about. This is Elisha Gray who was also an electrician, but the thing is he filled his application for the telephone 2 hours after Alexander bell did. A little delay cost him fame and fortune. So many dreams have died a natural death, because people just enjoy having passions, desires and dreams, but doing nothing about them. Its better to die trying, than to quit. Everybody gets time and chance in life, but most of us let these times slip through our hands like water, and live miserably in life. The bible even says ,”Time and chance happen to them all.”

It is amazing how we assume that we always have time and so we keep putting off things. As a farmer you cannot afford to procrastinate because your farming is dependent on the different seasons. When it is the season to plant you had better plant because if you do not then it will be hard to do so when the rains come or you may miss the rains all together. Many times we don’t realize that our life is pretty much that way, it comes to us in seasons and sometimes we miss our opportunities simply because we missed a season because we were procrastinating. Don’t sit there mourning about lost time and opportunities, wake up and use the time that you have today. There is nothing that is as valuable as time, and time lost can come to haunt you tomorrow. The biggest challenge we have in this generation is laziness. You find well to do educated men and women who still don’t know the value of time. Life doesn’t just bring you to greatness, you have to make things. One of the characteristics of a good man, is a hard working man, a man who uses his hands, mind and resources to get wealth. Wealth ill gained will always haunt you in life .Don’t watch your friends and siblings mare daring moves and decisions in life, while fear to step out grips you.

When you look at your life I am sure you can see areas where you have missed opportunities because you put off for tomorrow what you could do today.

Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might. The sad thing is that many times we choose what to do with all our might and what not to do with all our might. Are you giving your all? Many times I hear people complain about how the job they are doing is not well paying and many times I ask them, if you were paid what you think you deserve to be paid, would the quality of your work change? I don’t believe a salary is not a right, but you must earn your wages. Many times the answer is ‘yes’ meaning we are not giving our all, no wonder the amount of money we are paid.Have you ever thought and realized that, besides unfaithfulness, the other thing that has destroyed relationships is money matters, lack of it and having it too. But the truth is people must learn to talk and agree freely about money matters. The challenges of not having it can be disastrous as much as the challenges of having it too. But the reality of it, is we must teach our hands to make money, it plays a lot to bringing peace and joy in relationships. If you are a man and you don’t want to work, then you mustn’t date, because the demands of finance that are brought by dating are and relationships are enormous .So opportunities that come your way to make money, seize them and maximize to your advantages. The rewards of making money bring a lot of peace of mind and plenty

So what have you been putting off and saying you will do tomorrow? Is it cleaning your room or doing your washing? Applying for that job? Starting your own company ? Visiting a friend in hospital………….Make the time and get it done don’t put it off any longer you may be surprised to realize that it was the very thing that was clogging the system hindering your blessings from getting to you. Take time to network, build meaningful relationships even through Facebook, and other various internet connections. On many people’s profiles I see that one of the things they want to do is networking, I at times just wonder how many do network. Share ideas, dreams and visions with people who have become your confidants.

Just get it done! Life is too short to be a spectator. Wake up and do something!