By Herbert Mtowo
One of the most difficult experiences in life is to be betrayed, whether in a relationship, business or work environment. It cuts so deep and the damage is devastating, and the betrayed take a lot of time to trust people in relationships, business or church relations. Talking to several women from all over the world, from different cultures and ethnicity backgrounds one statement ,” All men are the same !” though I beg to differ with my friends women on that one. I still struggle to convince many to believe me when I say, not all men are the same.” You will also hear most men say openly,” All women are the same!” If you don’t read between the lines you can pick it up this statement is from people who have been betrayed, cheated and taken advantage of. By far the most asked about question is that of lack of trust in relationships.
As I continue with my article of letting go your ex-lover, I pray that those who had lost the desire and the joy to love again, dust themselves and move on, yes after betrayal, heartbreak and being let down, you can still wake up from the pain and find love in someone again. I beg to differ with many ladies that all men are the same, no its not true. If you find some bad apples on the tree it doesn’t mean all are bad .They may all be apples but believe you me they don’t taste the same. Many people speak of their fear of being betrayed by a partner, or perhaps a friend or even colleague or church folks. Allow me to explain why people have such fears and hope to show how people can manage their fears and re-build trust to love and relate again. I would like to look at it from two angles, that one of the victim and perpetrator and the betrayer and the betrayed.
People are betrayed in so many ways, firstly when our needs aren’t being met in relationships. Any relationship can collapse if needs are neglected, as the relationship grows and matures. Most needs have to be met perfectly in the teething stage of the relationship. The gradually both partners reduce the amount of giving and receiving of love and affection and they start squabbles and drifting apart. The comes the temptation to search for another person, because you begin to feel that something is missing. And most of the times one turns to an affair or just fantasizes about other people. At this stage it is very defining to re-discover the qualities that were present and dominant when you met your partner. Though its not always that simple, but t would be good to have a simple heart to heart honest chat, and openly talk about what each partner is missing in the relationship.
Then there are those who have not been betrayed, but just have the fear that their partner will stray, become paranoid or jealous. One may ask, “How an I deal with these feelings and fears”? The truth is its not about trying to change your partner, but its time to look into your inner self. This sounds unbelievable but very true indeed, “People have a fear of betrayal because they just don’t trust themselves!” To those who are familiar with the bible, will recall some words by Job, in the Old Testament when he said, “What I feared most has fallen on me.!” Though it sounds preposterous but the truth is, “Everything you fear tends to occur in your life. “If you get into a relationship with the fear of betrayal its worse than betrayal itself.
It is always good for an individual to deal with their fears, so that they can learn to trust again, than hold on to past hurts and betrayal experiences. If betrayal or the fear of it is recurring pattern in your life, or the guilty of having betrayed or have the potential to betray somebody. You usually end up having the fear that the same thing will happen to you again, you will be haunted by the thought that relationships will end up in betrayal too. Bt this are getting rid of the need for you to learn to trust, despite the previous betrayals. You might have eaten one bad apple, but they don’t all taste that bad, you happened to have just tasted one of the bad ones unfortunately. But don’t label all apples because of the taste of the one you tasted. With such fears of betrayal you will struggle to trust your partner, and by so failing to enjoy any new relationship. Most of the times in our formative years, we probably had experiences of being abandoned and betrayed. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a dramatic event like being left, or rejected, but you may have felt the pain and shame of being let down or emotionally abandoned. It becomes clear as you probe deeper into your mind, that you will realize that every resentment or negative belief you harbor about somebody is mirrored in a belief about you. You end up dealing with guilty and pain of whether you caused the other person to abandon you. Yet it happened and you should free yourself from guilty and move on.