I was hesitant to post this out of fear. Fear of what people will think of me. Fear someone will know me. But I need help. I have been married for over 15 years. My marriage has always been what feels like a roller coaster with many ups and downs, high high’s and low low’s. My husband and I have always had a very difficult time communicating. We are aware of this. We have sought counseling together and as individuals. It has helped temporarily, but then we fall back on our old ways. We never seem to stay in it for the long haul.
About three years ago things got very bad. My Husband and I were fighting non stop. It got to be too much and he left. I have some very bad habits. Things I learned from my up bringing. I can be mean spirited, angry, and unreasonable when I am hurt or mad. My husband was gone for one night and then came back. It only took a few weeks before things got bad again and he left again. This time for 3 months. During this time we did a lot of soul searching. I came to understand how much I hurt my husband with my anger and verbal attacks. I made a commitment to change. I sought counseling, did research, read books. I am proud to say I have really changed my attitude, how I react, and my overall spirit. I understand a little more why i was doing these things and have a better handle on how to recognize my triggers and how to keep myself under control. I know I have a long journey but I am committed to being a better more stable person.
I am also a very jealous person. I am insecure. I have been working on this trait as well; however this is a major struggle for me. I haven’t been able to get this under control. One of the main problems my husband and I have not been able to get past involves a third party. Not long after my husband and I were married be had a flirtatious relationship with a co-worker. He hid this from me, however, eventually he told me about it after I confronted him. He told me he could have slept with her if he wanted, but he chose not too. I was devastated. It took years for me to get over this. I felt betrayed by him. I was so hurt. But I finally got past it.
Now I am going through it again. When my husband left the second time he developed a friendship with a much younger single coworker. He would meet her late at night alone. They would talk for hours. When I found out through a different friend he denied it. It took him 3 months to finally admit it. During this time we were in marriage counseling and he even lied and denied it there! When he finally admitted he was talking to her, he told me he had lied because he knew I wouldn’t like it, because I am so jealous, and he didn’t want to deal with my anger. He was right. I am incredibly jealous of this woman. She is young, beautiful, and I am very threatened by her. What hurts me the most is he confided some very personal things to her about me and about our marriage. When he told her these things he had only known her a few months yet bared his soul and told her some very intimate things. When I asked him if he was attracted to her he said yes. When I asked him if he thought he could be friends with someone he was attracted to he said yes. I am very very hurt by all this. I asked my husband if he was having an affair with her and he said no. I told him it felt like an emotional affair. He became very upset with me and said he was not having any kind of affair with her. He has since told me he only discusses business with her, that he has stopped talking about personal things, but I don’t believe him. Occasionally a comment he makes tells me otherwise.
Fast forward 3 years and we are still in the same terrible place. I still don’t trust my husband. He still sees this woman on a daily basis, still works very closely with her, is in constant contact with her at work through phone calls, emails, texts??, I’m not sure. I have told him how uncomfortable I am with them working together but he says I need to get over it. I have tried over and over unsuccessfully to “get over it”. My husband and I fight about this issue all the time. I think about her all the time. I wonder what they are doing. I have told my husband I need for him to be transparent with me. I have asked him to be trustworthy. But he doesn’t like to have discussions about emotional things. He backs away when I bring it up. When I ask about her, he gets defensive and tells me I am “accusing” him of something. I need to talk about it!
I have worked so hard to overcome my many faults. Now I feel like all the hard work I have done to change my attitude, myself, to become a better person is in danger of disappearing. I don’t want to be a jealous crazy wife. I want to be able to trust my husband. I desperately want a healthy marriage.
How do I let go of all this garbage that is taking over my soul? How do I get out of this place? Is my marriage unfixable?