After I read this story, I felt it would be noble to share it on this site and lots many people around me. It’s worthy reading over and over again, especially now when we go through different challenges when it comes to relationships and marriages. All details and events in the story are as they were given word by word, nothing has been edited, except that the true identities of the people involved has been kept a secret. [HERBERT MTOWO]
I first want to say to all those that are hurting – I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH and I am so completely in agreement of the pain you’re experiencing. I also know however that WITH JESUS he can heal ALL WOUNDS. We may not be living the way WE want to in the present moment but God has a plan and it’s perfect. He’s not a magician. We don’t get to pray and then POOF our problems magically disappear but He WILL do what He says he will. God says he will never forsake us and he will help us THROUGH our circumstances. Not over them. Not under them. THROUGH THEM. God wants us to cast our cares on Him (1 Peter 5:7). The problem is what we really want Him to do is hear our prayers and then act on them according to our timetable, our rules and our script. God is using this time while our spouse is away to REFINE US. He wants us to TAKE OUR EYES off of our spouse. To take our eyes OFF OUR CIRCUMSTANCE and have FAITH and TRUST HIM that He will do what he says He will do. Hebrews 11:1 says: Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. While we stand, while we wait, we don’t SEE changes. We don’t SEE God working but He is and we’re having faith and believing and KNOWING that God is doing what He says He will. That’s faith!
I prayed about retyping this. I thought for a moment maybe it wasn’t meant for me to share it after I lost it when I timed out but I prayed about it and I am praying that what I share, that with the blessing God has given me and wants to give everyone that through Jesus, I will touch someone and solidify what God wants from us. We, us, people, we are like the ISRAELITES. God delivered them from slavery and promised them safe arrival in THE PROMISED LAND. It was ONLY AN ELEVEN DAY JOURNEY. Instead it took them FORTY YEARS TO GET THERE! Why? They grumbled! They complained! They put everything else before God. They had just been delivered from darkness and were still complaining about what they didn’t have because things were not as they wanted. So God let them wander. Isn’t that like us today? Blinded by sin whether it’s pornography, gambling, adultery, sexual immorality, greed, fornication, lying, stealing, drugs, disrespecting our spouses, not loving our spouses, holding grudges, not forgiving? My husband was in OBVIOUS sin but I was a sinner too, my sin was just hidden behind closed doors and I didn’t even know it was sin! I complained to anyone who would listen about what my spouse was doing. I was mad! I had resentment and bitterness. Let me tell you, forgiveness is like CANCER it spreads and what it breeds will spiritually kill you. My dad walked out on my mom and she is STILL bitter, still resentful and that was over 19 years ago. I was headed down that same path, more consumed by what my spouse was doing to me then letting it all go and letting God heal me.
Let me share. In 2009 my husband just after our 15th anniversary had a VERBAL BLOW UP. We were having a minor disagreement and BAM out of nowhere he let out an explosive verbal assault on things I had never heard from him before. He didn’t want to die an average man doing average things. WHAT? His life was boring and he was sick of the routine. WELL WHO ISN’T AT TIMES? He noticed how I was more of a mother than a wife. SAY WHAT? He felt like something was missing and didn’t know what. I didn’t know at the time of this verbal assault (that lasted 3 hours) it was directed at ME. He wasn’t happy with me! He felt average WITH ME. He thought something was missing and *I* couldn’t fill it. I did not know that my husband was already imagining having an affair at this time. I didn’t know at this time that thoughts were already in his head about pursuing someone other than me. An affair starts IN THE MIND. It starts slow and builds. A person has lust in their heart sometimes and it grows until they act on it. Some people have had it growing from as far back as their childhood; they may have been sexually abused or grew up in a home with pornography in a parent or a family member. Some people like my spouse harbor unexpressed feelings for years. My husband grew up in an emotionally repressed home. His mother was manipulative and vindictive and he wasn’t allowed to speak up/out against things that bothered him. I did not know this until now. I always thought my husband was laid back and went with the flow.
I didn’t know all the years we were married that my husband craved an emotionally SOUND environment free of confrontation and belittlement and that he craved affection (his mother never expresses any even now). Combine that with me and my childhood issues of having a father emotionally distant to his family and a mother, sister and brother who was very sensitive and craving his attention and often winding up on the floor in a blubbering mess, I vowed to NEVER be sensitive to ALWAYS speak up and speak out and to SAY WHAT NEEDS TO BE SAID. An explosion waiting to happen right? My spouse (and a lot of our spouses here) start building someone else up in their minds. That person becomes ALL THAT THEY THINK WE ARE NOT (and maybe we haven’t been.) I had grown to become resentful of my husband the last 4-5 years. He never defended me when his mother lashed out at me or tried to do something vindictive to me. I took him not speaking up for me as a sign of weakness which was what? A flashback to my childhood and NO ONE was going to have me under their thumb so I started believing in my mind that my husband did not even DESERVE my respect. God calls wives to respect their husbands. (Ephesians 5:33) I didn’t. I started holding back affection too. I build up in my mind that since he couldn’t do what I wanted him to do then I wouldn’t do what he wanted me to do. Oh how wrong was my thinking! My husband wasn’t weak; he just never learned that expressing himself was HEALTHY and that some confrontations are GOOD. He held everything inside until it manifested out loud because God says what we think on we act and do.
My husband started believing after 15 years and never so much as looking twice at another woman that he couldn’t get what he craved from me so he looked elsewhere. Once our spouses build someone else up in their minds, we get torn down in their hearts and they believe that person is what they need, want, deserve.
After a few months I found some emails of my husband flirting with another woman online. She commented on photos of his family saying “you have a beautiful family” and then promptly sent him a link to photos of her on the beach! I knew he had never met the person but they were having some sort of online flirt fest. I was so hurt and wounded. My husband was mortified! We cried together all day he was so upset he did what he did, I was so shocked and I believed him when he said nothing had happened. He even called her on the phone in front of me and broke off all ties. I was relieved and thought if this is our only down in 15 years I could live with it. Well, guess what? The thoughts were still there about him not being happy. The enemy was still putting in his head that he could never find happiness here with me so Satan dropped someone else not much longer that was also online. This person was more than willing to be the other woman. I knew nothing. This affair was basically going on under my nose. Oh the betrayal! I had no idea. I found out by accident of course and immediately said I wanted a divorce. He denied it but I had proof and so eventually he relented and said yes he did. He looked stuck but didn’t say he would stop which was fine with me, I wanted out. I was so mortified and so shocked I went the very next day to get on anti-anxiety meds. I thought the tears would never stop. I also went to see a Christian counselor and she said “what if this one thing was the worst there is in all the years of marriage you’ve had?” I thought about that and told my H I would give him another chance and forgive him. He said “thank you but I’m still going to talk to this other person.” WHAT? Oh my GOSH I’m wounded and bleeding here and I’m telling you I will give you a second chance and you throw that back at me? Unbelievable I was dumbstruck. I couldn’t believe it. We were almost at 16 years now and He was choosing the affair over his wife? I lashed out, begged, pleaded, condemned, verbally abused and physically lashed out at my husband for a month! He was still in the house and I would catch him texting this person or going outside to text or chat with. I couldn’t take the blatant disrespect. I could not believe who my husband had turned into. It was like Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde. I didn’t know him anymore it seemed. Someone had taken him captive (and it was – Satan had taken him captive – 2 Timothy 2:26). I even asked him do you still love me. He said yes but I’m not IN love with you. Ouch. Some days he was in tears over what he was doing other times he was aloof distant and arrogant almost. It was surreal to watch, After a month of that, he left. He said “this isn’t working for me” and left. I said “well of course it’s not working, you’re still pursuing the affair!” and I physically lashed out again for one good measure. Ticked off is not the word. I felt rejected and treated like garbage. I was obsessed with thinking of how I could get even. I figured out who the other person was and contemplated about sending them a nasty email. I wanted EVERYONE to know what had been done to me and I wanted him to feel HORRIBLE. I kept hearing a voice saying “I’m not done with you both yet.” I didn’t know at the time God was trying to get my attention but because I was so focused on being revengeful and focusing on what had occurred, I didn’t pay attention. I didn’t WANT to pay attention.
I started going online to the midlife crisis forums and venting there about what was happening and found out about Rejoice Ministries. I did not want to hear anything they said either. I just wanted to make my husband pay for what he did to me.