Being successful

Herbert Mtowo

If you want to be successful, this is for you. You are going to learn how you can uncover the source of motivation deep within you. As you know, without motivation, you will never have the drive to take action. And if you do not take any action, you will never be successful.

The main difference between success and mediocrity is that success requires action. Successful people are action oriented. They tend to take massive action compare with ordinary people who just dream and think about their dreams. Therefore, this article is perfect for you because you are going to discover the 3 simple steps how you can unleash the motivation within you.

1. The first strategy is to think about your why. Why do you want to be successful? Why do you want to achieve what you desire? Why do you want to make your dreams come true? Your reason behind each of your dream and goal is going to drive you toward what you want in your life. After all, it is because of these reasons that you start to think about achieving it. Thus, know exactly why do you want to accomplish what you want can help you to stay motivated.

2. Next, try to focus on the rewards and not the process of doing it. Making cold call is what most people will procrastinate on. However, if you focus on the rewards that you are going to get from doing it, you will better motivate yourself to do it. Think about all the sales you are going to close, all the money you are going to get and buying your dream car and your dream house, all the rewards are going to turn you on and drive you into taking massive action.

3. Finally, tell everyone that you know about what you want to achieve and what your plan to achieve it is. When you do this, you are making a public commitment and you are putting yourself on the line. You will have no other choice but to take action and make it happen because you have no other alternative to choose from. You do not want to have your friends laughing at you because you fail to achieve it. And thus, you will motivate yourself to take action.

What is it with Men and Commitment, Anyway? Part 1

By Scott M. Stanley

Before looking at the question of how men may differ from women with regard to commitment, I want to address the general question, “does commitment still matter?” Is it such an important topic, to write, discuss about or it’s not worthy our great mind to dwell on? Read through am sure you will be surprised if not shocked by some of the findings around this issue. Let us begin by looking at some of the findings that were just released from the Oklahoma Baseline Survey (Johnson et al. 2002). In this phone survey of 2300 Oklahoma residents, those who had been divorced were asked about the things that led to divorce. They were given a list of ten things and asked whether each was a major contributor to their divorces. Commitment was the mostly highly endorsed item. In fact, 85% said that “lack of commitment” was the major reason for divorce.  I would not have predicted that it would be so highly rated in this day and age, much less the highest rated reason for divorce among the options presented.

Another finding coming from this survey released from Oklahoma supports the importance of commitment in marriage.  A question was asked of the currently married respondents:  “Have you ever seriously thought your marriage was in trouble?” Thirty-four percent said “yes.” Those who said “yes,” were asked, “Are you glad you are still together?” Ninety-two percent said that they were glad they were still together. A recent finding from the large-scale National Survey of Families and Households (NSFH) are consistent with this point from the Oklahoma survey.

As part of a report entitled, Does Divorce Make People Happy, a team headed by Linda Waite examined longitudinal data from the NSFH (Waite et al., 2002). Among the findings, of those who were very unhappy in their marriages at one time point, two-thirds of those who stayed together were happy 5 years later. These simple findings suggest that there is something wrong with the belief that many people seem to have: Once a marriage is down, it’s done. My impression is that people generally believe that marriages don’t recover and that the choice is black and white: either hang on in stable misery (perhaps some people’s definition of commitment) or get out. The fact is, some marriages are, indeed, like that. For any number of reasons, they will not improve.  However, there are also couples who hang in there and bounce back from difficult times. They endure, persevere, and continue to put one foot in front of the other. In the end, many get to a very different place in life.

So, at least for some couples, the perseverance that comes with commitment produces important, positive outcomes. This is also true more broadly, with couples generally doing best if they have a clear sense of future together (Amato & DE Boer, 2001; Amato & Rogers, 1999; Waite & Joyner, 2001).  These data I briefly present, along with a great deal of evidence in various studies not presented, suggest that commitment certainly does matter in marriage (and divorce).  Certainly, the average person thinks that it matters a great deal. Before I continue with other points, I want to highlight that nothing in this talk should be construed to mean that I am arguing that people should remain in highly destructive relationships no matter what else. When there is danger of serious harm, safety should be the overarching priority.


What is Commitment?

How do couples experience commitment? Our theory suggests there are two components to commitment: personal dedication and constraint (Stanley & Markman, 1992).   Personal dedication speaks to how intrinsically committed partners are to one another whereas constraints are the things that might keep couples together when partners would rather leave. Constraints are the things that accumulate as relationships grow and make it hard to break up, such as financial considerations, responsibilities for children, social pressure, and a lack of foreseeable alternatives. Despite the connotation, constraints can have a positive function in the lives of couples because they can help prevent one or both partners from making drastic decisions that unravel investment during periods of intense unhappiness. However, behaviors at critical times for many couples.  Of course, when someone is really unhappy for a long time in a marriage, constraints can lead a sense of feeling trapped. Constraints don’t lead to great, happy marriages. They mostly put the brakes on impulsive, destabilizing Personal dedication, on the other hand, refers to interpersonal and more intrinsic commitment processes, particularly in commitment to the partner and the relationship.  It has four important components: a desire for a future together, a sense of “us” or “we” (or as being part of a team), a high sense of priority for the relationship, and more satisfaction with sacrificing for the other.

There are two fundamentals that underline all of what commitment is about for couples. First, developing and maintaining a long-term view is crucial for marital success. Fundamentally, what commitment brings to a marriage is a long-term perspective that allows partners to weather the inevitable ups and downs in marital satisfaction. Second, commitment means making a choice to give up choices.  Giving up choices is not a prized notion in American culture. We want to hang on to everything. In fact, we’re generally reinforced to believe that we should hang on to everything and keep all of our options open.  Of course, at times, this presents a serious problem for individuals because one cannot have certain things in life by hanging onto everything in life.  It is like the proverbial monkey with his hand in the jar who is trying to hold on to so much that he can’t get his fist out. We end up with much less in life when we try to hang on to everything rather then being more devoted and dedicated to a particular path or partner.  So, while commitment remains crucial in so many ways to relationship and marital success, there are fundamentals to commitment that are at odds with much in American culture at this point, especially in regard to holding longer term views and making clear decisions to be committed.

To be continued.

The Causes of Divorce

By Herbert Mtowo

The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. What’s sad are the reason couples avoid conflict is because they believe it (conflict) causes divorce. It’s like the cartoon where the couple explains to the marriage counselor, “We never talk anymore. We figured out that’s when we do all our fighting.” In the beginning, we avoid conflict because we are in love and we believe that “staying in love” is about agreeing, about NOT fighting. We’re afraid that if we disagree – or fight – we’ll run our marriage off into the ditch. We believe that if we’ve found our soul mate, we’ll agree about most things – and certainly about the important things. Later, we avoid conflict because when we try to deal with our differences things get so out of hand and our fights so destructive and upsetting that we simply shut down. After a few bad blow-ups we become determined to avoid conflict at any cost. And, we start wondering if we married the wrong person.  It shouldn’t be this hard.


Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy. Successful couples know how to contain their disagreements – how to keep them from spilling over and contaminating the rest of their relationship. While it’s true that we don’t get married to handle conflict, if a couple doesn’t know how – or learn how – to fight or manage their disagreements successfully, they won’t be able to do all the other things they got married to do. Put another way, it’s hard to take her out to the ball game if you’re not speaking. Couples are often so determined to avoid disagreements that they shut down – quit speaking, quit loving.


Couples need to know what the research has found: that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of “incompatibility” or disagreement that they will never resolve. Instead, the successful couples learn how to manage the disagreements and live life “around” them – to love in spite of their areas of difference, and to develop understanding and empathy for their partner’s positions. The divorce courts have it all wrong. “Irreconcilable differences” – like a bad knee or a chronic back – are not a reason to divorce. Instead, they are part of every good marriage. Successful couples learn to dance in spite of their differences. They gain comfort in knowing they know their partner, know which issues they disagree on and must learn to manage. They also understand that if they switch partners they’ll just get ten new areas of disagreement, and sadly, the most destructive will be about the children from their earlier relationships

Couples enjoy themselves as they gain mastery and become “relationship and wise smart.” Healthy loving couples also model the skills for their children which will slow the divorce rate in future generations. “Don’t tell us how to have a good marriage, show us.