Relationships can be very complicated. When a relationship is in trouble,  there can be many different reasons for the trouble. But no matter what the  cause of the difficulty, if you want to save your relationship, there is one  thing you can never leave out. And that one thing is “forgiveness”.

Many relationships have been destroyed because one or the other party would  not forgive. And many times it was over something that, in the long run, was not  very important at all. Your ability to forgive might make the difference as to  whether your relationship is restored or destroyed.

We all do things to hurt each other. Sometimes we do it unintentionally and  sometimes we do it for petty and selfish reasons. But you must come to  understand that when you are in a relationship with someone, there are times  when you will get hurt mentally and emotionally. The fact of the matter is,  you’ll probably get hurt more than once, and your ability to forgive your loved  one and move beyond the hurt will depend largely on you.

Relationships require love, commitment, sacrifice, a good sense of humor, and  a “not taking yourself too seriously” kind of attitude. Just having a “fuzzy”  feeling about your mate is not enough to keep a relationship together. There  will be times when your love and commitment will be tested and you will be  required to sacrifice things on a personal level in order to keep the  relationship alive.

Many times we feel that we have been wronged so severely or hurt so deeply  that we are unable to forgive the other person. But you must understand that  forgiveness is a choice. It is something that you choose to do. It may not be  easy at first but if you really, really want to, and you really care about the  other person, and you really want to save your relationship, you will find a  way.

One thing to remember is that unforgiveness does not hurt the other person  nearly as much as it does you. Sure, your mate may suffer emotionally for a  little while knowing that you have not forgiven them, but eventually they will  get over it and move on. While you on the other hand will continue to suffer  under the weight of whatever you are holding against them.

You see, it takes a lot of thought, effort, and energy to hold a grudge or  unforgiveness in your heart against someone. In order for us to hold onto  unforgiveness we must feed it constantly by thinking about it and rehearsing the  hurt. This will eventually drain us of all positive energy and leave us feeling  depleted and depressed. We end up spending all our time and energy holding on to  these thoughts and feelings and we lose our ability to enjoy life and all its  blessings.

So ask yourself “What is most important to me? My hurt feelings or my  relationship with the one I love?” Then sit down and talk to your loved one and  explain to them why you feel so hurt by their actions. And then forgive them.  Yes, really forgive them, and don’t bring it up again. And don’t try to use it  as a weapon to punish them with in the future. If you do, it will only prove  that you really didn’t forgive them in the first place.

When you forgive the other person you will find that you experience a new  sense of freedom in your own life. You are no longer bound by the chains of  unforgiveness and can now enjoy life and your relationship as it was meant to  be. Forgiveness will help to strengthen you and your relationship.

Relationships require forgiveness. Great relationships, the kind that last a  lifetime, demand it. It is an essential part of every great relationship and if  you want to save your relationship, you will learn to make this awesome gift one  of the many that you have to give to your loved one



What really went wrong?


Everything was great. We had been dating for 6 months. We shared the same interests, felt very at ease together, had (often) discussed future plans and had even spent some of the holidays together. Our relationship seemed right on track and just right in general. Then, without warning, he said he “needs some time to think and figure things out.” He stopped calling and rarely returned my calls. When he did, I was often met with silence on the other end of the line. When I asked “what happened”, I just got a verbal run around of excuses about how busy he is and/or how much stress he is under right now. What happened? What did I do? I don’t know what to think. Does the above scenario sound at all familiar? If so, you can relate to being confused and stunned over the sudden change in a boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s behavior. Now think about this – What if your relationship wasn’t what you thought it was? What if unspoken issues had existed all along? What if there were signs you chose to ignore or just didn’t see? Are any of these possible? Probably. This sudden change in a couple’s relationship is reported quite a bit by individuals who have just broken up with a significant other. Unfortunately, it leaves the person who has been “dumped” with feelings of low self-esteem, regret, inadequacy and anger. There is often no real closure, as the couple is never able (willing) to talk through what went wrong or was never right with their relationship. So, how can you know what the problem was and hope to avoid a repeat of this hurtful experience? You can do this by examining your failed relationship and gaining insight and understanding about what just wasn’t right between you. In order to assist you with this; I am providing a basic framework of the relationship stages a couple must pass through TOGETHER in order to get to a place of shared intimacy and commitment. If either person’s feelings change before, during or after one of these stages; it is not necessarily the “fault” of the other individual. It is simply a statement about the individuals’ rightness (or not) for each other. It is also a reflection of each individual’s relationship readiness and ability to handle long-term, committed intimacy. How an individual handles their changing feelings and resultant behavior toward the other is a subject for another article. Relationships have stages. We have all read articles and books by authors who have come up with their own unique number or names for these. I will try to take a very basic approach to this and keep it simple and as universal as possible. Attraction This is the first stage. It is physical, intellectual and emotional – on a very surface level. Girl sees boy and vice versa. They flirt, talk and get a very basic sense of the other.


They are usually responding to a physical pull. He/she is cute, funny, charming, interesting to talk to, etc. Without attraction, first dates wouldn’t happen. It can therefore be assumed that the other person finds us attractive if we have gotten to a first date. In a way, this is the easy one. We are unknowns to each other. Things progress from this point or they do not. Hurt feelings are minimal. We usually chalk up rejection to; “I’m not his type”. There is no need to analyze or wonder what went wrong. If both people feel a strong enough level of attraction continues to exist after a few dates, they usually move along to stage two. However, if one finds the other has unattractive characteristics or behaviors, this can lead to an abrupt change in the relationship. Remember, these behaviors or characteristics would be ones that would manifest in the very early stage of dating. Some examples: frequently late, never offers to pay, dresses or grooms sloppily, rude to waitress, etc. Romantic Relating In this second stage, couples begin to test out the idea of themselves as a unit. Dating is no longer brand new. It is more comfortable and predictable. Sharing romantic dinners and exciting special interests are typical dates during this new and fun time in a growing relationship. During this stage, flowers are given for no special reason and loving cards are slipped back and forth with words like “thinking of you”. It’s a happy carefree time, when lovers tend to idealize, romanticize and overlook that which can be right in front of them. The relationship seems effortless and spontaneous. Affection is shared openly and frequently. One’s partner seems perfect. There is rarely conflict during this period. The partners often share the unrealistic belief that their relationship is so special and unique that it will always stay this way. This stage can last from three or four months up to more than a year. It is actually the shortest stage that any long-term relationship goes through. It is also the one we wish we could hold on to forever and long for when it is gone. This is the stage that love poems speak about. It is also believed (falsely) by many that this is what long-term committed love will always be like. Many relationships begin to stumble at the end of this period. For that is when reality begins to set in. As partners begin to experience some disagreement, conflict and/or shared challenges- the relationship shifts as do the dynamics between the partners. Though many relationships move past this stage, a number do not. Why? There are many reasons.

These can include: * lack of readiness for the challenges of the next stage * issues with commitment and fidelity * immature beliefs about what relationships should be * being stuck on an idealized, romanticized notion of love If one of the partners is not ready for a less than perfect and more demanding stage of love, they will exhibit this in their behavior, language and overall level of openness and availability towards the other. This is when the couple begins to think more seriously of a future with each other. The focus tends to be; how well do we get along, do we share similar interests and do I want to date this person exclusively? Growth Through Negotiation This is a very challenging and growing time in all relationship building. Reality comes into play as the couple settles into the comfort and predictability of their togetherness. Little issues can become blown-up into large conflicts. The individuals begin to compete for their share of control and their place in this growing union. Differences can become highlighted instead of minimized. This is often the period when couples experience their first fight. Hurt feelings can occur as that once loving and completely accepting other person airs a criticism or voices annoyance or concern. Often, the individuals believe it is the other person who needs to change. This is where the need for (or lack of) communication, problem-solving and negotiating skills becomes apparent. For without an adequate measure of these, disagreements can break down into screaming matches where insults and recriminations are fired like missiles. If the individuals can listen, be supportive of each other’s feelings, compromise and not lay blame, they have a good chance of working through this stage and achieving a true intimacy. This does not mean they will share all the same beliefs and opinions or that they will necessarily even like the other’s view. However, having and showing respect is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship. Not only will relationships fail without these relationship-building strengths, they can also abruptly end if one of the partners decides that they don’t feel the same way about this person in their less than idealized state. The reality may not be to their liking or just something they are not ready for in general. Either way, they will pull back, present differently or disappear without warning. How they handle their changing feelings is further information about their level of relationship readiness and maturity in general. Intimacy Intimacy is the reward that is gained when a couple has successfully worked through the difficult last stage of negotiation. It is almost like a new coming together with much greater self (and other) awareness.

This new information can work to solidify the union or give one of both individuals enough new information about the other to require a reassessment of their desire to remain together. Each person looks at the other in their (naked) state and asks; “is this the person I want to be with”? Here their individual differences are highlighted. The early romantic haze has cleared. What they have to offer to each other and to a future life together comes into play. This is a time when couples often begin to contemplate each other’s attributes in a more practical way. They look at the other’s strengths and weaknesses. They evaluate each other’s potential as a future spouse, parent, provider, caregiver, partner, etc. Relationships can be tested more during this time. Infidelity is one dysfunctional way that some individuals do this. Often, this leads to the end of the relationship. When differences can be seen, aired and accepted, the couple has a good chance of moving on together from this place. Essentially, they have decided they want to be with the other, warts and all. When the behavior of one or both partners change, it is generally because they have made a conscious or unconscious decision regarding the wrongness of the other for them or for the type of relationship they seek. Commitment This is the final stage of relationship building. Once individuals have reached this place, they are ready to cement their bond. While much growth and work will lay ahead in a future life together, they are ready to begin this life soon. New challenges arise during each stage, and will happen here as well. However, if the couple has successfully worked through the previous stages, they should have many of the tools they need. The external problems and pressures that come with life will test their resolve and commitment over the years. They may need to reassess, re-negotiate and renew their feelings and commitment. Fortunately, they will be in possession of the basic tools required. If they choose well to begin with, they should be successful. As you evaluate your failed relationship, note the stage you were in when the change occurred. Chances are that the necessary level of readiness and maturity was not present in one or both of you. Perhaps one of you decided that this is not the kind of partner or relationship I am seeking. This new information and insight should help you to choose a future partner who is better suited to you and desirous of the same kind of relationship that you are.


By Sophie Rinaldi

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results….

If you tend to repeat attitudes and behaviors in relationships, and yet you expect your new relationship to be different from the ones you had, it’s time to stop.

Perform an honest analysis of your pattern behaviors and try to change them. Your desire to love and to be loved, combined with your emotional past, can determine you to make some repetitive mistakes in your relationship.

The fear of losing him, lack of knowledge, the woman’s nature who tends to over accommodate the partner – all these things can determine behavioral mistakes.

Mistake no 1: The woman is wrong when she tries to change her partner.

At first, the woman is attracted by some obvious essential qualities, hoping that her feminine spells and intellectual prowess will help her change the rest of him.

HINT: If you want a cat, don’t get a dog that you’ll train to be a cat. Do not get in a relationship hoping that he will change. Most often this does not happen.

Learn to love or tolerate the aspects that you want to change in him. Have a very honest discussion with yourself and decide if what you love in him it’s enough to help you get over the aspects that he, most likely, will never change.

HINT: Reproaches made, even though based in reality, will erode the romance and the passion. Gradually you will be in a love/hate relationship, addictive and hard to manage.

Mistake no 2: The woman is wrong when asking herself too early what’s the direction of the relationship.

A relationship has its stages of development. The excessive need for security will determine the woman to desire for a rapid evolution of the relationship. Other reasons, unrelated to love, but to various other calculus, can make the woman to want too early a plan for the future.

HINT: Let the relationship blossom by itself, don’t force him to make plans for the future too early in the relationship. When a woman has her own plan for her life, she no longer feels so dependent and doesn’t need anymore for the man to make a plan.

Mistake no 3: The woman is wrong in a relationship when giving up on herself, on her passions, on her sources of vitality and richness.

The temptation is very strong to become totally absorbed in a relationship, especially in its beginnings. You are inclined to do everything with your partner, to give up your hobbies or friends in order to spend time with him.

HINT: Don’t give up on your sources of joy even if, out of jealousy or desire of control, he will ask you to.

Often, a woman will tend to be fulfilled through her man. And men have this particular talent to induce the idea that it is the duty of their women to unconditionally support them.

You can either be a slave in his empire or a queen in your own kingdom. Any kind of independence – emotional, material, intellectual, is very seductive for your partner. Because independence means power, and power is the greatest aphrodisiac.

The pathological absorption in the other one has a weird power of seduction, giving the false illusion of security.

Mistake no 4: The woman is wrong in a relationship hoping and projecting in the future.

What does this mean? To hope that things will resolve by themselves. To hope that the future will bring a magical resolution to the couple’s problems.

The hope that he will change by himself makes a woman to live in the future, ignoring the present dissatisfaction in the hope of future solutions.

What you can “hope” for is that time will bring anesthesia, indifference, that you will compensate for your unhappiness with other stimuli that bring you instant, short term pleasure. This is how overeating, drug dependency, affairs and other compensatory behaviors such as excessive shopping occurs.

HINT: An agonizing end is better than a never-ending agony. Draw the line, cut your losses and learn from your mistake.

It’s always a negotiation of compromises, you just need to choose the smallest compromise you can live with.

Mistake no 5: The woman is wrong in a relationship when she lies to herself.

Fear of loneliness, fear of losing comfort or status, fear of change, are some of the reasons that determines the woman to lie to herself regarding the motives to remain in a relationship.

HINT: Do not fake orgasms, do not fake happiness, do not mime indifference. Because eventually you will fake your own destiny.

Sometimes, the differences between the two of you are too big. Even if you are compatible on some levels, there are other deep level communions that are missing.

Mistake no 6: The woman is wrong by criticizing his friends and his choices regarding social relationships.

It is impossible to agree with all his choices. Same time, to know how to communicate what bothers you is a true art.

HINT: You won’t like all the time the same things, the same place, the same people. Similarities are the foundation of a relationship but the differences are the necessary spices to spark the passion.

Happiness is a personal duty, not the partner’s. What your partner offers you is a different kind of happiness, another dimension of being, a richness of sensations, feelings and understandings, possible only through communion with another being.

As long as a woman has multiple sources of fulfillment and validation outside the relationship, she will continuously attract the admiration of her partner.

There are relationships formed on the basis of common fears, of complementary traumas, and relationships formed on the basis of mutual admiration, with he desire to share the happiness within, the fulfillment and the becoming of their destiny.

What kind of relationship are you in?


Purpose-the drive to become.

Often we think of our destiny as a destination in our future, most often a distant one, but real destiny isn’t designated by a single place but in fact is a journey taken toward a desired goal. It is when we’ve come to the end of that journey that we can feel a sense of accomplishment, but allow me to ask a direct question.

Once you’ve traveled the long road to the achievement of that destination; have you given thought to what will happen when you finally reach that desired place?

Once we arrive at one place we must plot a new destination which in turn deepens our purpose and expands our vision, most often in the ways we can’t ever anticipate but in ways we can look back upon and see the Divine hand of God in directing our steps.

Our destiny begins now, not in the future. I recently heard the story of the now famed Justin Bieber. I admit I am not much of a fan of his music but I am of his commitment to achieve his desired purpose. He knew that he was destined to sing and he plotted out his plan to achieve that goal. Most people know that he was discovered as a result of a YouTube video that went viral; however, most people (including me) didn’t know is that he set out with the purpose of building his own following by using social media platforms. One day his music went viral and with the built in fan base the record labels lined up to sign him.

What did he do…he grabbed hold of his destiny and fulfilled his purpose through driven determination. Now if a twelve year old boy can become a teen pop star because he knew his gift was music, put a rough plan in place to share his talent with an ever growing number of fans. What can you and I do to achieve our purpose in this limited lifetime we have available?

We can all fulfill our purpose if we just adopt a clear and unwavering determination to start, to stay and to never give up on what we are destined to achieve and with God’s gentle nudges guiding us we can’t fail so why not give it everything we got.


Solutions to problems...

People are divided into two groups – the ones that live life aimlessly, surviving from one day to the next, and those who look for the formula and wish to direct their efforts towards a chosen destination, rather than get up in the morning and find themselves in a place they do not like.

The first group adopts an “aimless (go with the flow) life style” and the second group a “planned (or purposeful) life style”. Many people think that going with the flow and taking things as they come is everyone lives, until they suffer pain that is too hard to bear. Others think that everybody plans their life, until they must acknowledge things beyond their control and with their wisdom comes calmness and acceptance.

There is a lot of freedom and joy in aimless living. It involves fewer worries and more acceptance. You get your paycheck, spend it as you like and who cares about tomorrow. After all, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that’s why we call it the present”.

Those who prefer to plan might look over the fence and frown, but is there really one side that is better than the other? I think not.

For the people who flow, planned living is too rigid and too frustrating, full of people who try to predict the future and live an illusion of a connection between what they do today and what will happen tomorrow. But for planners, certainty is the currency of life and they believe they can avoid pain most of the time and that is better than flowing and getting hit hard.

Everywhere, we head personal development gurus telling us to set goals and focus on desires. They say that desires are the engine of moving forward. They tell us, “Always plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark”, but is there really one side that is better than the other? I think not.

People on both sides of the fence live life and do the only things they think they know how to do – justify their choices! They say, “My side is the right side and the best side”. I believe a lot of heartache, wars, conflicts, relationship breakdowns and pain exist in the world because people are too focused on justifying their own lifestyle and pushing away other choices. We spend lots of energy shouting to the other side, “My choices are better than yours”. Even religious wars are based on “God loves me more. My beliefs are better than yours”. Are they really?!

I believe that living on either side of the fence is not a problem until you try to convince those on the other side that your side is better. Aimless living is cool, as long as you consider it best for YOU! Planned living is great, as long as you consider it best for YOU!

Because formulas for living well are not transferable. They are personal. You do not need statistics to feel better with your aimless or planned choice and it does not matter if there are more people on your side of the fence or on the other side. The only thing that matters is that wherever you are, you can be successful, healthy and happy by your own definition . If you spend most of your energy on convincing others you are “right”, it defeats the purpose of getting to your destination quickly and easily.

In different areas of life, we probably sit on different sides of different fences and, whether we are on one side or the other, we choose the side we think will give us what we are looking for.

My COLLEAGUES ASK ME CONSTANTLY. Now, I share my life philosophy freely with anyone who would like to hear. I even share it with people I have never met, through the many posts I write. but I have to make it clear – it is mine and mine alone and it is not meant to be copied, because it just will not work for you as it does for me. My experience is meant to be used as a tool to help you find your own life formula, which will be the best for you, regardless of the side of the fence you choose.All the best folks take your choice and go for your dreams.


  • The only thing that stands between a man and what he wants in life is often merely the will to try it and the faith to believe that it’s possible

    – David Viscott

    We form many of the beliefs without being aware of having formed them. We adopt them from our parents, teachers, circumstances, observations and imagination. If we look into them and the time when we adopted them, we’ll find that at the time we were young, with a different mindset, in different circumstances and with less knowledge. It may have been in a different culture or a different financial situation.

    Some of our beliefs are so strong that we don’t notice other roads, which could set us free. To explain what I mean, I’ll tell you a story (I love telling stories):

    The Little Elephant

    One day, a boy went to the circus with his father and saw a huge elephant tied to a tiny stake with a rope.

    “Daddy”, asked the boy, “This Elephant is so big and strong and the stake is so small and short, he could set himself free just by taking two steps to the side. Why doesn’t he do it?”

    And his father said, “My son, when this elephant was very small, just a baby, he did try to break away from this stake, but he wasn’t strong enough. He tried and tried for months, until he finally gave up, believing that it is impossible to break free. Now, he doesn’t try anymore, because he doesn’t believe it’s possible. We are the same, my son. Many things happen to us at childhood, which we try to change, but then stop trying. Many of us are still tied with ropes to tiny stakes, just like this big elephant”.

    I’m sure you’re asking yourself “Well, does it mean we have to try again and again? When do we learn that certain things are simply impossible and shift our energy to other things?” The answer to that is “Never! As long as something is important to you, it’s possible and you should try to get it again and again”.

    You see, Thomas Edison tried 1,500 different types of wire to use on the light bulb. 1,500! Do you understand that if Edison thought like us, we would never have light? In a sense, if we don’t think like Edison, we stay in the dark.


    Success is determined by those who prove the impossible possible

    – James W. Pence

    In coaching, we learn to examine our belief systems. We learn to review our beliefs and leave only the ones that are good for us to have. We learn to revise them to suit our new age, culture, role, circumstances and mindset. In other words, we bring our beliefs up to date. We learn to choose the roads of acceptance, love and motivation, roads that are easy to navigate, where happiness is part of our daily life. We choose roads full of light!

    May the light shine on you and may you find your way even in the darkest moment.

  • Robertta



In life that is the most crucial search, the search for a life partner. If you happen to be single, widowed or divorced am sure you have at one time or the other hoped, longed and believed that Miss Right or Mr. Right will find you or will be found one day. But am afraid to disappoint you by saying that Mr. and Miss Right only exist in your mind, they are nowhere to found. ? Maybe you just can’t seem to find the right person. Well, don’t be despondent. I want to share with you that, just how to get a partner who will meet your every need and desire and have you rejoicing at what the Lord has done and how good He has been to you.  On the other hand I also have good news for you, the bible has your answer, and “A good wife comes from the Lord!” Proverbs 19:14 A man can inherit a house and money from his parents, but only the LORD can give him a sensible wife. I really believe that the Lord wants a partner for each person, and one who will complement and fill the gaps where things are lacking in the other person.


This is a serious matter, that it can affect the stability of an individual`s life, cause struggles and loneliness even whilst one is married. Hope we all remember David`s experiences with Saul. He was promised, Saul’s daughter in marriage if he would defeat goliath, as a reward. (I Samuel 17vs.25).But Saul cheated on David, instead of giving to David Merab in marriage; he gave her daughter to someone else. David was instead given Michal to marry, but check Saul`s motives. So that she may become a snare to David. Have you ever thought that David`s struggles on sex matters was to do with the lost love of Merab. (1 Samuel 18 vs.17-30) Can you imagine Saul gave David wife`s to be, Merab to a rivalry of David, (Adriel is his name) Saul robbed David to pay Adriel. From there David`s sexual problems grew in leaps and bounds, affected his clan, when he took Bathsheba to sleep with, he must have imagined and still thought this could be Merab, the lost love. His desire for women, was astonishing, I strongly believe that, David suffered a serious heartbreak and never recovered from it, neither was he healed of the wound on his heart. What a terrible swap in life that happened to David, a man whose heart  God loved, was left with a heart  that was hurting, and carried pain  for many, many years  even to his children and  children`s children. I beg you by God`s mercy let go of what you lost in the past, though it hurts, healing of the heart is here.

Merab`s name means, increase or abundance, Michal’s name means same as. How astonishing, he lost the abundance and got something that is same as, but it wasn’t., she may not be Merab, but she is equally good as Merab, though her name is Michal. Can you fathom and realize that, many people`s choices for a partner is based on what they lost and the comfort themselves with something that is the same as, and when they realize it’s not, it triggers continuous search for something they lost. It is important that as human beings we deal with what we lost if ever we are to enjoy what God has given us today. The past is past gone let’s focus and enjoy Michal, Merab is gone and taken by a rivalry. Note that very few men recover from losing their loved ones to a rivalry, than women. That`s why you find more men in relationships hurt most than enjoy. Though it also affects women too but not to the degree it does bite into men`s hearts, it’s not about having slept with Merab, because David had not slept with her at all, but it’s about love and genuine love. God has someone good enough for you, but close the thought of what you lost and move on, other it takes years, for David it was a lifetime struggle and pain.


  1. 2.       Reality of the Matter

So let me start without rambling on any more! Just before I begin, I’d like to mention and emphasize, that I’m going to be writing from the point of view of a woman finding a husband, so I will continually talk about ‘him’. Nevertheless, the principles are perfectly the same for a man looking for a wife. If you’ve read my article on finding the perfect match, I mention there about being specific in your requests to the Lord. It is important in anything you want from the Lord, but it is essential when you are looking for a life’s partner. This should be your starting point. If you’ve been praying, “Lord, I need a partner. Please give me one,” the Lord will say, “Sure,” but there will be very little for the angels to work with to bring your desire to you, until you make specifications. In the IT world it’s a common statement to say,” can I have specifications for the computer that you want? ”No specifications, no deal and no delivery. The one thing I’ve learnt about the Lord over the past years, especially counseling people and in my interactions with both sexes is that He will NEVER impose His will on you! You have to give Him the authority and freedom to work on your behalf, and the angels need to know exactly what you want and clearly spelt out specifications, so that they can deliver the product. He could bring you a husband/wife if you pray like that, but He desires so much to bless you and it gives Him pleasure to give you the very best, according to your desires.  James chapter 1 says that God gives every good gift and every perfect gift. I believe we can stand on this promise even when it comes to relationships and making choices our generation differs a lot from Adam, I strongly believe Adam was never given the freedom of choice, because there was nothing to choose from in fact. So God gave Adam a wife, based on God`s understanding of Adam, how he had wired him, so He created Eve with specifications to meet Adam`s taste. As we all know Eve was the only and first woman who to have existed by that time. So he couldn’t have told God of specifications of what he wanted in a woman. But you and I have the liberty of making choices. You don’t force a relationship, feel sorry for somebody to love them, have friendship to enable you to see at a closer glance the specifications that you have and have given to God. This I must say, love at first sight is not always ideal, though am not dismissing it, because you will still find some relationships which happened as love at first sight that blossomed, flourished and lasted the test of time. A relationship has to be natured, and cultivated to grow and become strong, to withstand the storms of life. Any relationship will be shaken by the storms, but the foundation laid down can see you through all the storms, challenges and attacks. It’s normal that relationships’ be shaken, from all angles to make them strong and solid like a rock. A difference in a relationship is not always a sign that you in the wrong company, not at all, anything good has to be shaken, and stand the test of times. Hang on in there; it’s the dawn of a new era.

  •  The first thing to do is to sit down with a pen and paper and think about exactly what you’re looking for in a partner. The spiritual qualities are the most important especially if you are looking for and wish to walk closely with the Lord. Tell the Lord what you’d like him/her to be like. God is the third and active partner in marriage. He should be involved in decisions’ to do with marriage, since he is also a stakeholder.
  • The Mental and emotional aspects are important to look at also. What do you want him/her to be like? Strong and macho, or loving and gentle? How do you want him/her to be a strong leader, loving woman etc? Then you can include desires about what he/she must be like. Maybe you want someone who likes skiing so you can enjoy the snow together, or if you enjoy outdoor life you can ask for someone who likes doing the same thing.
  • You can express your desires in the negative sense too. Example, if you definitely don’t like sports it’s not going to be good if your husband is a sports coach and is always at rugby games. The point is if you don’t want something, then make it known on the list as well. Take note that, you’re beginning to form a picture of what you want, and when you have a clear picture in your mind then you can let faith work and begin to form in a much better and faster way.
  • Physical aspects come is very important, though in my order it comes last. How do you want your husband/wife to look like tall or short, blond or dark-haired, slim or big   and sexy? Maybe you want someone who’s pretty slim and trim, or perhaps you want a well-built, strong, muscular person who likes working out and being fit. Just write it down as you think of it, and begin to visualize him in your mind. Adam would not have been bothered by the physical aspect at all, since he had not seen any physical form of a woman, but this is a very serious issue in our generation and we can’t just dismiss and ignore it .Even if he had not seen any woman physically, the bible says when Adam was presented with Eve, his taste of a woman, can be picked when he said,” Bone taken out of my bone and flesh of my flesh” Man was wired in such a way, that the only creature that appeals to his taste, and sexual feeling is that of a woman, and women were created to be adored. The bible clearly states that, God created man and other creatures, but made a woman, in other words he designed women .Oh,that’s lovely hey(.Genesis 2 vs.18-25) But bear in mind that some small differences in the physical aspect cannot be a big issue, as long as you know that’s what you want and your heart longs for. It depends on you, though. You have to make the choice as to whether you accept or reject who you meet. The Lord will never force it on you. I am yet to meet someone who got according to pattern and design man or woman, but you will find most of your specifications there and some won’t be there. That’s why I always say this”. The perfect men and women we want only but exist in our imaginations”. Some improvements will always be made as you love the person unconditionally, love is the key.

When you’ve written all of these things down, take the paper, hold it up to the Lord and read out what you’ve written down. Say something like this. “Lord, I’m asking you for a husband/wife, and these are the things that I desire in her/him…” then read out the list. Now stick it up on a wall or place where you will continually see it. Many a times the fridge door is a good place to stick on it important reminders or next to your computer. . Remember, you are sometimes two totally different people being blended into one – spiritually, emotionally and physically. That’s pretty complex and there are usually areas in both of you that need dealing with. I’ll be honest with you now. Developing and working at the things that are necessary for a harmonious marriage can take time, but it will work if you stick to it and ask the Lord to guide you. I believe the beginning of success is a knowledge of what the Lord wants from us (which hopefully I’ll get across to you okay) (;-), and allowing the Lord to show you any areas of weakness which are standing in the way. This is sometimes pretty hard because He knows just how to knock our egos to make us sit up and take note, but we become so much better afterwards, and we can see a growth in grace.

Marriage Defined

Herbert Prince Mtowo

From the book, Mending Marriages by Chris Field

Your working definition for marriage will impact what you are building and how you deal with it. The way you see something impacts how you understand it, value it and treat it. Consequently definitions are very important.

In my book, Mending Marriages, I take a good look at people’s working definitions for marriage. The reason some people need their marriage mended is because they have built the wrong thing on the wrong definition in the first place.
Casual observers see marriage as a ‘relationship’. That’s probably the universal starting point. However the nature of that relationship is where marriages come unglued.
To some people the marriage relationship is a special and life-long bond. Others have a much more casual definition of that relationship, seeing it as a temporary linking which will be broken when better or different alternatives come along.
A good working definition of marriage must bring clarity about the nature of the ‘relationship’.

The next key consideration is the functional aspect of the relationship. How are the couple to maintain their life together? What is the nature of their cooperation? While this is an aspect of the definition of the relationship it bears specific attention as it gives the practical expression of that relationship.

As an initial definition we can thus say that marriage is “a special relationship that fits special structural requirements”.

And that’s where the fun begins. What is the ‘special relationship’ and what are the ‘special structural requirements’? Around the world and through history many variations of both those aspects have been explored. Currently there is a push to move away from the history-long model of a man and a woman in a unique relationship. While alternative relationships have existed they have not been recognised as ‘marriage’, which status is seen as Holy Grail by some people.

Throughout history the ubiquitous model of marriage has placed the main responsibility for the relationship and its maintenance with the man. While modern sensibilities try to demean this reality it remains the most enshrined working model for marriage. Historically, all around the world, the vast majority of marriages have been established on the responsibility of the male, who creates a place of nurture for his wife and children. The wife is thus able to concentrate on her nurture of the children and her husband, while the man deals with the outside world and brings provision for his family.
In view of that long tested model it could be argued that the best way to destroy marriage is to demean men, taking their leadership from them. This will break up the family unit, bring uncertainty and insecurity and rob the home of the stabilising nurture of the mother.
Sadly we see much of that outcome already at work in many western families. While the western family home was a model of mutual benefit for the majority just a century ago, it is now an empty place, devoid of much that is needed to grace the human soul.
The most eminently qualified person to provide a powerful working definition for marriage is God. God created marriage and gave it as a gift to mankind. So God knows how it was designed to work. God knows what both husband and wife must do in order to fulfil the marriage relationship and build an effective family unit.
The Bible gives the most valuable and comprehensive insights into how marriage was designed and what we must to do enjoy its fullest benefits. The marriage relationship is best defined as that bond between a man and a woman which unites them in the relationship which God created for them.

Through the pages of the Bible we discover many things which impact the definition of marriage. We discover that it is God’s creation, not man’s creation. It is a holy union, not a relationship of convenience. Its purposes are divine, not human. Its roles are prescribed by God, not dictated by the power players in any given culture.
The bond is created by God, not the couple. A couple cannot pronounce themselves to be ‘married’. God joins the couple together. It is therefore a ‘holy estate’, not a social construct. And since God joins them together man and woman do not have the power to revoke it. God makes it and man cannot ‘un-make’ it.

God has prescribed specific and unique responsibilities to the man and the woman in marriage. These are not a matter of negotiation by the couple. They are prescribed by God and we will each be judged by God on how well we fulfil His demands, despite what we or our spouse think of the arrangements we have come to between each other.
The ‘relationship’ that is created, therefore, is a moral bond, established by God. It is not principally a social union, but a moral one. Each marriage union is a unique bond, excluding all others. It has the quality of a legal bond, since all who violate it are breaking God’s law.

The marriage union allows the couple to enter a unique moral connection where intimacy between them is made perfectly legitimate and holy. It confers on the couple exclusive sexual privileges.

Altogether, then, marriage is an amazing and awesome divine gift to humanity. Sadly many people do not understand what it is and so they enter into it lightly and without respect for their responsibilities or the accountability they have before God for their handling of His created union.

That’s why I bring the subject up along the way, in various forms. People need their eyes opened to this amazing moral union and its implications. That’s not just for their own sake, but for the sake of their spouse, their descendents and the culture in which they live. When God’s Kingdom comes it must impact the domestic home as much as the global environment or governmental circles.

Now, having given you this lengthy explanation, have a look at the definition of marriage which I present in Mending Marriages.

“Marriage is a unique, irrevocable, legal and moral bond created by God between a man and a woman who commit themselves to each other for life-long union, conferring on them exclusive sexual privileges and offering them loving relationship, mutual co-operation and personal investment in each other, in a divinely ordained structure and process in which both fulfil their unique, divinely created responsibilities, which they are to follow in the fear of God, with God’s gracious endowment and for God’s glory, conferring on them God’s personal blessings through each other as they create an effective and meaningful social unit with unique, multi-generational significance



GETTING SERIOUS IN RELATIONSHIPS“Will you marry me?” These four words can make it or break it. Not only is the question a big deal, but also the way you ask it is a BIG DEAL. Taking the decision of marriage requires extensive thinking with a cool head. The decision of marriage is best left untreated if you and your lover are not in the right frame of mind. There has to be some understanding and some chemistry between the two of you to make it work. Don’t make yours and somebody’s life a pain by taking this decision with whom you are not compatible. Marriage is the most delicate relationship that we have because all other relationships are nurtured through it, so we should be wise and very knowledgeable of what we want to get into before we do. Hope these tips are very helpful, as you grow in love, but take your time and make sure you will not ask and regret why did I get married or “ Why did I get married too?” So you better ask yourself now, “Why do I want to get married?” If these questions can be answered now before you do, a lot of heartaches and regrets will not be regretted and experienced in life. All the best, have a fabulous one.

Proposing Marriage
• Agreeing to the constitution of marriage is taking your love to the next level. If both of you are very much in love with each other and are looking forward to spending your life together, marriage is surely on the cards.
• Have you discussed with each other about your personal goals and aspirations? If yes, then the next important question is are you willing to do what it takes to make this relation work? If the answer to the second question is even yes, you can start thinking of tying the knot.
• Marriage brings with it additional responsibilities. Are both of you in the right frame of mind to take up the challenges post marriage? This is a very important question and need a lot of thinking to be done.
• Before thinking of getting married, both the partners should feel the need to have a family of their own. In case such feelings runs down the spine of both of you, and the two of you are looking forward to spending family time with your beloved, this is it.
• It is very important to be financially stable and sound before thinking of delving into marriage. Taking the present time into consideration, both the partners should be independent and earn a decent amount to sustain a family of your own.
• Apart from being monetarily secure, you need to be emotionally strong. Marriage is not limited to the two of you. It is a union between two families. Both of you should be game to take up the responsibilities and challenges. You should also be emotionally strong to resolve matters and take charge of the new found status.
• Know for sure that marriage is very different from dating. Things which seemed cute and adorable during the dating phase can turn out to be extremely daunting. Both of you should take into account that certain things would definitely change after marriage. If the two of you have already calculated the difference pre-marriage, it would be easier post-marriage.
• Lastly, the word “Marriage” should no longer gives you goose bumps! In case you have agreed to all the questions listed above, you would definitely not have any!!