Marriage and Relationships-The challenges.

By Herbert Mtowo

Marriage and Seasons

A couple of hours prior to writing this article I was talking to a lawyer close friend of mine to be. She said,”Herbert,I am sacred to getting married in case I get the wrong person in my life.”I said to her that’s not the solution, maybe because of what she sees and hears in the corridors and courtrooms, whereby she sees people who once said until death do us apart, brutally killing and wounding each other beyond imagination. What she sees and is experiencing miles from my beloved country Namibia, seems like we are just having the same nightmares and experiences. Though she is thousands of miles away in Zamibia,her fears are what have griped everybody on planet earth. Whether to marry or not to marry.Annita my good friend in Zambia has the same fears like you and me are going through in other countries and continents. I said to my good friend Annita,”Me and you have a greater responsibility shouldered upon us, to correct the wrongs and make this generation hope in marriage again. I personally tend to think and conclude our mind set is the problem, I still stand to be corrected on this one. Marriage is a give and take life commitment. But most people get into marriage for the wrong motives, to have someone make them happy, to be loved when they can’t give back the love. It`s not just a you taking out, but what are you prepared to give to see your relationship last a lifetime? Am pulling no punches here, we don’t have any excuse to have mediocre relationships and marriages. We can best understand marriage by understanding the seasons that we have in life, and prepare accordingly for each season as it comes. We must prepare ourselves for all the seasons in life as much as we prepare for all the seasons in marriage. Let’s talk about the four seasons of marriage: Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter. Usually we think of marriage as a relationship with our partner but it can also be the state of marriage solely within us called “the inner marriage.” The inner marriage is an intimate relationship with our self. We need a strong inner marriage of love, appreciation, understanding and respect for our self in order to experience the serenity, joy, and connection attainable in an outer marriage. Spring of Marriage is when matrimony begins. We are often young and overflowing with boundless excitement, optimism and desire. We start this first phase believing – unconsciously – that our partner is here to save our life and fulfill every expectation we ever dreamed possible. We are full of projections. In this early stage of development we rarely see the essence of the man or woman before us because we are so blinded by the light of the mythological god or goddess who blocks our view. We take our wedding vows, “Please heal me of every pain and love me forever.” Well, we didn’t say that but that’s what most of us thought. It’s a young and hopeful dream. We are in love and often madly so. Summer of Marriage is when we often bring children into the world. These precious little ones fill our lives with love, fun, pressure and (ugh!) adult responsibility. As the children grow, husbands and wives may argue that the spouse is not who we thought they were! We may even wonder if we are who we thought we were. Enter the mid-life crisis. It can be a stressful time of struggle. Later in this phase of the marriage cycle children will fly away from the carefully constructed family nest and into their brand new lives, just as their mother and father did. Husbands and wives now begin to surrender and let them go, albeit a little sadly. It’s an emotionally healthy and necessary choice. “Sunrise, sunset, swiftly flow the days” go the words from Fiddler on the Roof. No wonder that song makes so many couples cry. Then we look around. It’s so quiet. The voice of Spirit whispers, “Something needs to change.” We think the something is our mate. “If only he…, if only she …,” Eventually we recognize it is not our mate but we who must change. We begin to understand that the inner marriage is of monumental importance. We commit to know yourself again. This commitment provides immediate insurance not just for us but for our couple relationship. It feels good. Understanding this inner marriage also makes boundaries clear, “I stop here and you start here.” Sometimes people are fearful that introspection might separate them. It could, but at least it’s honest. When we work to connect the inner marriage with our outer marriage we begin to appreciate the real glory in our spouse. We also begin to see the first authentic wrinkles of responsibility for our own life, too, and we begin to grow up. Of course, sometimes it doesn’t all work out and couples do separate permanently. But if that should occur at least each party has the satisfaction of knowing who he or she is and can apply it non-defensively for the good of the children and grandchildren involved. Not every relationship was made in heaven. Autumn of Marriage is all about transition and change. We watch our children raising their children. We graciously step back and let them live their own lives. We give them space when they need it. We throw our arms around the joy our grandchildren bring and pitch in whenever we can help. Watching our families grow is so full of wonder we want everyone to stop growing! But respecting time’s natural rhythm – especially when feeling astonished – helps us move right along with the changing tides as we consider what we want to do with our life now. Some want the pleasure of work, some the pleasure of play, and some want a combination. Being open to every new idea will see us through. That is key, keep it fresh. Winter of Marriage is when we enter into the final season of marriage with another or with ourselves alone for death or choice or fate may have put us there. So we pray for everyone’s good health. We are reflective and thoughtful. We live in our souls more. We recognize and give thanks for all the important moments in our life and for those we’ve met along the way who have helped us to transform, evolve and grow. We look forward to any final gifts of grace this season will provide. We reach for our partner’s hand or put our hand over our heart to touch the symbolic hand of our inner partner. At what season is your relationship or marriage, and what you going to do during this season? Prepare for them seasons before they come. Regards, Herbert Mtowo “ Start feeding opportunities and starve problems in your relationship……”


Changing through growth

I recently mourned the death of one of my PRECIOUS friend,and am reminded of my brother`S DEATH,after I attended his memorial service. As I listened to the wonderful comments made by so many as to the kind of person he was, I stopped for a moment to look inside myself to see who I am.I have always believed that my brother could have easily become the undisputed World Boxing Champion,even during the times of Iron Mike,Lewis,Ali,George Foreman,but something just didn`t click to get there,sad he died with those dreams not accomplished.I don`t wanna die with massive potential locked up within me,I must unleaSH the greatness in me. There was enormous room for growth in my life. Is there room for improvement in your life? Let us take a moment to learn how we can grow to become the person we hope to be.

We all want to be the best that we can be. We sometimes see others and admire certain characteristic traits about them. We have read volumes of self-help books in hopes of fine tuning ourselves. True many of these books help but self-growth goes way beyond reading books. It means we must stop wishing for change and becomes proactive in creating the change. Self-growth is about change and the change begins with us.

In order for change to take place within you, you must first define your goals. Know what changes you want to make. You are aware of the qualities you want to discard from your life. Write them down. Here are some ways to begin to do some introspective work to help you to define the changes you want to make in your life.
• Make a list of some habits you’ve often wanted to change.
• Do you know how you are perceived? Try to get a feel of how others think of you. Make a note of how you want to be perceived and how to can change your behavior to make that.
• Make mental notes of how you treat others. Do you walk away feeling good that you have treated that person you met . Do you feel good when you walk away?
• Think back to criticisms you have received in the past. Do you think there may have been some truth to them? Are you objective enough to see the true you?
• Speak to an objective friend or family member you trust to be fair and honest with you. Get some feedback on how you are perceived.
• Observe the behaviors of those you admire and make a note. Do you see those same characteristics in you?
• Make a note of behaviors you see in others that you dislike and look within to see if you share any of those traits. Try to be balanced. Make a list of the ones you want to change.

Take personal Introspection

True we have to love and accept ourselves unconditionally but we must always strive to be the best that we can be. That is how we grow. Self-acceptance should in no way interfere with your ability to be your best. As a matter of fact it should have the reverse effect. It should allow you to know the real you and to have an awareness of where you need to make changes. This awareness will decide how serious you are in growing beyond your current limits. Keep in mind that personal growth can be measured in physical, mental, psychological, spiritual, and emotional amplitude.
Take a moment now to check your life. Look inside to check the areas where you would like to improve on.
• Define your character. Who are you when no one is looking? remove all the window dressings, frills, and accessories, who are you?
• How is your health? Are you doing everything possible to take care of your body? Do you eat the right foods and take part in a regular exercise routine?
• How would your friends, coworkers, people who come in contact describe you? What would people say about you if they had to write your eulogy?
• How is your mind? Are you emotionally strong? Is your self-confidence and self-esteem at an all time high? If not would you like to find emotional balance?
• How is your spiritual health? Do you feed your spiritual need? How is your soul’s condition?
• How do you treat others? Are you kind or are you condescending to people? Do you give of your time to help others that are less fortunate or has self-centeredness consumed you?
• How is your ego? Is it intact?
• Are you humble or are you into flaunting it or showing off?
• Are you a good parent? Do your yell at your kids? Do you put in the time with them to raise emotionally balanced children? Do you help to build strong self-esteem so they can have higher levels of self-acceptance?

As you look inside it is important to understand that no single recipe that defines how each person can grow personally. It is not a single formula for each of us. It is through fervent introspection and an acceptance for change that it can begin. Even though it may be slow and difficult at first, you must have the willingness to keep at it no matter if it takes a lifetime. Remember you are not trying to do perfection – you are only striving to do your personal best

Humility a vital place to live.

In order for one to grow, one must be humble enough to recognize and accept the areas where improvement is needed. This sense of humility will create honest introspection that can make us more aware of the characteristics and behaviors we need to improve on. This kind of humility puts ego aside, creating open-mindedness to accept constructive criticism. When we can humble ourselves this way than tremendous personal growth can begin to take place in our lives.
With a spirit of humility you can:
• Lose self-centeredness
• Better understand yourself and why you do the things you do
• Better understand your behavior and accept the need for change
• Recognize your mistakes and accept responsibility for your actions.
• Recognize the goodness in you
• Become more understanding of others
• Be more forgiving

Humility is the beginning of knowledge. It is the start of that mindset to gain more wisdom and improve self. The know-it-all attitude is laid to rest, enabling honest introspection, which promotes growth.

Grow inside and become yourself

Once you have humbled yourself, done the honest self-reflection, and gained the awareness, find the areas where you need to improve. You must believe that you can do the personal growth you want and let go of self-doubt.

• Make a list of the things you want to personally do. Prioritize the list and select the most urgent issue.
• Learn everything there is to know about it, whether it is losing weight, letting go of anger, or improving your spiritual life. The more information you have, the more motivation and determination you will develop.

• As you become more educated in your subject, decide if you can carry out these changes alone or if you need the help of a professional or expert in the field to help you. Getting help is positive step toward achieving personal growth so don’t feel inadequate if you need help. It is only we feel we don’t need help that growth ceases.

• Develop a plan for achieving your goal. It must be clearly organized starting from a long-term goal to daily tasks that move you closer each day toward your goal. So if it’s in the area of physical health, make a plan for doing so.

• When discomforts arise, don’t give up. Everyday is not going to be perfect. You are not going to wake up each morning enthusiastic about your plans for that day. When you do, don’t be too hard on yourself. It is during these times that a coach or a can help you in staying on target. They can help you to refocus on your plan and exercise the discipline to stick with it.

• Daily positive affirmations and self-talk are necessary to keep up the motivation to grow. This is not narcissism or egotistical. This is only you giving yourself reminders of your positive attributes.

• Have faith to believe that you will succeed. In anything we set out to do in life it takes a certain level of faith to keep going everyday. Sometimes we cannot see the instant rewards but with persistence and faith to believe things will work out, you can find the strength to stay the course.

It is an admirable quality to be able to find the areas you need to make changes in your life and even more commendable to take the steps forward to do so. Personal Growth is a catalyst for success in every aspect of your life. Many of you are making strides each day in your personal growth. For those of you who are, keep at it and savor each stage of your growth. For those of you recognizing the need for personal growth, hats off to you. Begin the journey today.



If you’re currently seeing someone and you want to take it further, how can you make him commit to you? Do you want to be the most important person in your guy’s life? Do you want to speed the relationship along in order to make it more meaningful? If you answered “yes” to these, then continue reading to find out the three “S”s that every woman should know if they want to make their guy commit.

Slow down

It is easy to sexually arouse a man. Honestly, it is biological and in some cases there doesn’t even have to be that much physical attraction involved. Lust is easy and simple and you don’t have to work on it. Push the right buttons and the man is yours. However, if you want to get him to fall in love and make him commit to you you’re going to have to do more.

For that reason, you should delay having sex with him. If you’ve already had sex, then slow it down some and back up. You’re not going to have a meaningful relationship is the physical aspects are all you have to go on. If you don’t form some sort of emotional bond first then your relationship won’t get very far.

Step back

Step back and ensure that you and your guy are on the same page. You want a committed, meaningful relationship. Perhaps he was only looking for a fling. If that is the case, then you really can’t do anything about it. You must communicate your needs to ensure that you both want the same things out of the relationship. If you try to pressure him, it is going to wind up scaring him away, even if he was falling in love with you. Men don’t like to feel pressured. As a matter of fact, women don’t like to feel pressured, either. Reevaluate what you want and go from there.

Savor it

Think of falling in love more as a journey than a destination. Enjoy the time you are spending together and then some of the pressures of the relationship will fall away. If you’re relaxed and having a good time then the relationship can develop at a more natural pace. This is what you want. The slower the process, the longer the relationship will last.

If you want to make him commit to you then you need to let him think that you have all of the time in the world. Cultivate your friendship and focus on the bonding. Soon, you will be on your way to a lasting and meaningful relationship.


Build them and make them strong.

By Herbert Mtowo

Do you long for a lasting relationship? Is your hearts desire to find Mr. Right and live happily ever after? Wonder what it takes to get a guy to commit? Wonder no more. If you answered yes to these questions, read on for ways to get him to commit.

A lasting relationship is what we all want. We long for the one person with whom we can share our lives. While it may seem impossible, there are ways to get a guy thinking long term, marriage and on the path to a lasting relationship.

Set relationship boundaries:

Once upon a time, if a guy wanted a girl all to himself, he HAD to marry her. Today, women are much more independent and in their independence have created a scenario where guys don’t NEED to get married anymore.

If your guy is worth marrying, let him chase you. Encourage him to be the man by calling you, planning dates, and setting the tone and pace for the relationship. Guys are hunters. They enjoy the chase and challenge. Let him do what nature designed him to do…chase after you.

Save sex for way later in the relationship, in fact, consider waiting until you’re married. Yes, that sounds old fashioned and dated, but it works. Companionship and sex are key components to a relationship. Spending time with you is the companionship element, so if you add sex into the mix, why should he get married. He has all the benefits without the hassle.

Leave the games in high school:

Women are adept at playing games and using drama to their advantage. When you want a lasting relationship with a guy, playing games that create jealousy and distrust can spell relationship disaster. Mature woman are honest and forthright in letting their man know how they feel

Shy away from telling him about guys that flirt with you or call you. Refrain from creating situations that don’t exist to make him jealous. It may work short term, but ultimately, if you need to resort to deception to get him to marry you, he probably isn’t right for you.

The path to a lasting relationship is not always easy. By setting relationship boundaries and leaving games behind, you have created a straight line between two points which is always shortest.


Building a strong love marriage relationship is an art. But there are SOME simple-to-remember relationship tips that can ease you both along the pathway to a lifetime of married love, passion and romance.

1. The commitment to love

In getting married, you agree to love one another through thick and thin. But most of us have been fooled into thinking that love is something that we experience and feel rather than something we do. Start to re-frame your understanding of what love is. Love in marriage is a verb. You have to work at it. Your commitment is your promise to work at it, throughout your married life. The couples who both work at creating love throughout their married life, get to experience the rewards of an ongoing, blissful love marriage relationship.

2. Marriage is a self-improvement project

Marriage is the start line not the finish line. You thought you could give up and veg out once you’ve landed that big fish husband of yours? You think you can slob around now you’ve got a ring on that gorgeous girl’s finger? Perish the thought! Carry with you the intention to do better today than you did yesterday. Improve upon the way you interact with your life partner. Keep things fresh. If you mess up, admit it, apologize and loosen up enough to try something new. Take advice from your partner. Be flexible enough to change, to grow and to become something bigger and better than you were before. Keep yourselves healthy and smart. Self-improvement is incredibly attractive and a sure way to keep the fires of passion blazing in your love marriage relationship.

3. The honest mind

Don’t be one of those nitwits who think that valuing ‘honesty’ in a marriage gives them a license to be blunt and cruel. In love marriage relationships, honesty is a willingness to look at yourself and your actions and see where you might be being pig-headed. It means looking at your relationship with a clear head. Examining your soul to see how you can create a better life experience for both of you. It also means communicating clearly with one another. So many marriages founder because of simple misunderstandings. Develop the ability to look honestly at yourself, develop the responsibility to create positive changes, and be willing to reveal and communicate what you find with your partner. Such acts of intimacy forge powerful lasting bonds.

Follow in the footsteps of the joyful

Your love marriage relationship is unique. But you will experience similar challenges to every other married couple. Why not shortcut your learning curve and learn from those who are already living successful married lives.It’s always so much easier to learn from experienced mentors who’ve already charted a course through the choppy waters of life. And if you want to guarantee your love marriage relationship grows from strength to strength, be sure to check out that resource. Meanwhile, use the relationship tips above to steer your marriage towards joy, passion and intimacy which will last a lifetime. I wish you great happiness and love in all your moments together.


Comedian Chris Rock once famously said, “You’re only as faithful as your options.” If that is true, then it would stand to reason that successful men are less faithful, as they have more opportunities to cheat.

Just a quick look at recent news tells of the torrid affairs of prominent celebrities and politicians. What is especially surprising about these high-profile cheaters is that they engaged in the risky behavior, having to realize somewhere in the back of their minds that they could easily be caught or “outed” to a tabloid publication. After all, a successful investment banker who is relatively unknown to the public is less likely to attract attention when he’s out to dinner with someone other than his wife-but a well-known movie star or politician will always turn heads.

So, what are the factors that could lead successful men to cheat?

-Men with money are attractive to other women. Unfortunately there are women who prey on men and will hook up with someone with money, regardless of whether or not he is wearing a wedding ring. Men who are successful have more discretionary income with which to find and woo affair partners, and this is attractive to a woman who wants to be wined and dined.

-Men who have successful careers often have a little extra time on their hands, whether in the form of leisure time (like the stereotypical golf outing) or business trips. They are not punching the clock on an hourly salary. Business trips, especially, are fertile ground for infidelity.

-Men who are successful have many opportunities to tell their wives they are working late, they have a business dinner, or they have to work on the weekends. They can then use these opportunities for their extramarital activities.

-Men who are successful often have wives at home taking care of their homes and children. Thus, their partner often earns less than them, if they are earning anything at all. According to a study by the Singaporean paper Straits Times, these men are more likely to cheat.

-Men who are successful often let their good fortune go to their head. They may suffer from narcissistic personality disorder, making them feel invincible and above reproach, or they may suffer from a more temporary form of narcissism. Once you gain power and control at work, you want more-and the power having any woman you want is the next logical step. There is also a certain “control” to carrying on an illicit, secret affair without anyone else knowing.

So… was Chris Rock right? Are you only as faithful as your options? That may very well be so, since an MSNBC/iVillage “Lust, Love & Loyalty Survey” polled more than 70,000 adults and found that 32 percent of men making more than $300,000 a year reported cheating, compared with 21 percent of men who made less than $35,000 a year.

And, scientists at the University of California at Berkeley looked at a person’s rank in society (taking into account factors such as wealth, job prestige and education) and found that richer people were more likely to cheat, lie and break the law than those who were poorer.