THE PAIN OF DATING MARRIED MEN

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Falling in love with a married man is something women have been doing for a long time. Being a mistress is nothing new, but is it worth it?

So many women get involved with a married man because he makes promises of leaving his wife and getting into a committed relationship with them, and they usually end up waiting forever for him or end up just being his mistress- nothing more. The first thing you need to do before getting officially involved with a married man is to ask yourself some serious questions. The following questions will help you decide whether or not being a mistress is worth it.

Why a Married Man? It is important that you ask yourself why you would want to get involved with a married man in the first place? There are plenty of single men out there for you to get to know. If you did not know he was married at first, then perhaps you should ask yourself if you would want to get involved with a man who lied to you about his marital status.

Prepared to be Second Priority? One thing you should always keep in mind is that his wife and family will always come before you, no matter how many problems he claims to have at home. Keeping you as his secret mistress is an obvious sign that he is not ready to lose his spouse. If he was, then he would just leave her and be with you, but instead- he has chosen to spare her the pain and embarrassment because he loves her- and will continue to keep you a secret for as long as you let him. Are you ready to be second priority?

Are you ready to wait a long time? Getting involved with a married man is complicated and the relationship will be filled with repeated promises that will work at first, but will later leave you feeling helpless and restless. He will never just drop his wife and family for you, so ask yourself if you are ready to wait a long time for him to finally finalize his divorce- if he gets one. It is common for men to decide that they want to make their marriage work after all, so are you ready to not just wait a long time, but perhaps even end up not being with him in the end?

These are all essential question that you must answer honestly. Sure, having an affair can be fun, but when that stage of excitement slowly wears off and you enter another stage where you crave that closeness of an official one on one committed relationship, then you will start feeling the stress and pain of being a mistress. There are of course chances that he will end up leaving his wife for you- but is it worth waiting around to find out if that will happen? There are no guarantees.

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DON’T DROWN IN YOUR SORROWS-RISE UP AND SOAR.

 

BY Herbert PRINCE MtowoImage

 Growing up in a rugby family of nine children, extended family and other orphaned children from my dad`s side, was no stroll in the park. My mum had her house open to relatives, and other family members` children, to grace us and be part of this unique institution. Within such a rugby team, you don’t always bond, because of personalities, and developmental changes that take place as people mature and grow up from the shadows and influences of others, as they take their place in life and society.

 

We all have difficult experiences as we grow up in life, and the same we go through and have gone through ,other people can go through the same instead of drowning in their sorrow, rejections, betrayals, abuse ,etc., refuse to be victimised all their lives. I don’t know about you, but I speak for about Herbert, here, some of the most of the fights, pain, struggles, relationship hurts, mistakes, and losses in and to life, that I have gone through, I wouldn’t want to go back to them again, but this one thing I am so sure about, this man I am and have become and will become, is because of some of these that I went through in the past. My past isn’t squeaky clean, when it comes to mistakes, some I could have avoided, some which I had no clue how I had gotten myself in them. But one thing I have learnt, you can live beyond the shadow and influence of your past, and not let the past chain you and make you its prisoner for life.

 

 My circumstances IN LIFE could have overwhelmed me but instead I chose to use them to help me overcome my teenage and life`s chalenges. I knew I wasn’t going to allow drugs, gangs, fights and teenage sex to control me. I wanted nothing to do with it. I saw what it was doing to myhigh school  friends, and neighbourhood and some of the youths in my town and I didn’t like it. I have had many people ask me over the years, how I avoided the temptation of drinking. I can honestly say the many nights of watching my high school friends get drunk burned a desire in my heart to live a different kind of life. More importantly, I know God’s hand of protection was over me. I wanted to create my own path to freedom. That’s when I made the decision to immerse myself into reading, God, writing, speaking, sports and school. It was my only hope of keeping my sanity. My life didn’t have it easy all the way; it had rough days and terrible experiences. Having grown up in a family, were from my father`s side, we are relatively a very small clan, and from my mother`s side, it’s a nation of people on its own, it was easy to get lost in the hate wars and fights from both my dad`s side and my mother`s side. But  my eyes couldn’t be denied of a future that was beckoning me to come, to come and be celebrated as Herbert.

 

I hear so many stories of people who feel trapped by their circumstances and they don’t know how to get out. They eventually accept their destination in life and live the lie! My friends, you don’t have to live as a victim. You can live a life victoriously. Are you willing to make changes that can get you out of the role as a victim? I saw where my life was headed and I didn’t want to go there, even as a young boy reading and writing took a hold of my life at a very early and tender age, and this was an escape route to all the vile, and harsh realities about life.. It was up to me to take that first step. I had no idea how to do it, but I knew I didn’t want to live a life or be like my peers and young people I associated with. I had to fight my own way out of the box. Back then, dating wasn’t an option to me, I literally struggled to date only after high school, and when I started it didn’t go well either, had messy relationships, some have really hurt me so bad, and it was learning the hard way. I had to make up my mind and pick my life up and run with it than let all I was left with fall apart like a deck of cards.

 

The key for me was looking to the future and asking these questions:

 

• What did I want to do with my life?

• How was I going to get there?

• What kind of situations (drinking, smoking, parties, women, drugs etc.) did I want to avoid?

• What kind of people did I want to be around?

 

I watched my brother’s life go downhill after the age of 13. It saddens me to this day to know that my brother became an alcoholic at the tender age of 14. He went to parties during the week, skipped school, began smoking, and rarely was at home. he had so much potnetial in boxing,but all that went to waste,and it all could have been avoided,and that at times eats me,that help wasnt given when it could have been given.

 

He hung with the bad crowd, drank to excess and refused parental supervision ,though my dad was a really tough nut, but this one proved a bit too much for him. He had so much potential, so much wit and treasures in his life. He could have been as mean in the boxing ring even to become a  World Heavyweight Champion in boxing , much better, than the great Muhammad Ali, and the steel and brute Iron Mike Tyson,but  he rarely attended school, and was gone for days at a time. I couldn’t help him since back then we were pretty young. But I saw a life slip away and wasted, and destroyed painfully and couldn’t come back into shape again. We were the youngest boys left at home others had outgrown their stay in the house and had started their families, as we tried to come to grips with the direction of our lives. He wasn’t daft or slow to learn, but somewhere along the line, he had everything screwed up, and it was not easy to easy then to get back on track and run with his life. Several times he was locked up for violence, and though he never really much provoked people, but when provoked he really fought like a lion, and would take on a gang and fight till the end. I was too young and I was trying to figure out what I had to do to survive myself. It’s never too late to stop being a victim.

Many of us feel like victims due to the following

 

• Difficult marriages and relationships

• Circumstances out of our control

• Alcohol and drug abuse

• Lack of money and poor investments

• Health, diseases and weight issues

• Work, loss of it and problems at work

• Stress and bad behaviour

 

These are just a few that I see when I counsel and coach people. It’s amazing to me how many people accept being a victim and don’t realize they don’t have to be a victim any longer

 

Going through a painful divorce can be ugly; fighting to keep a marriage from failing can be exhausting. It takes work either way, letting go a marriage/relationship you have fought all your time,it sure can be really stressful, but so many times we do decisions for our kids, relatives, families ,and not for our own good, which most of the times is good for our children and them around us too.

 

And the rugby team has since become much a small team, can`t even make netball team. That means responsibilities and challenges become even tough and difficult, one has to learn to navigate and find their way through life. But, for me to realize, am the only male figure at the helm of decisions, yet, I was down the bottom, when it comes to decision making, it`s a wakeup call to me, and requires more wisdom, understanding and maturity, and such doesn’t come easy. But one has to take a stand or you drown, in the sea of life`s floods.

AVOID THE TYPICAL PITFALLS OF MARRIAGE

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By Ann Douglas,

No couple embarks on married life expecting to end up in divorce court, but that’s what happens to more than one million American and millions of couples in the world each year. And when they do the post-mortem, they often find their marriage was sabotaged by one of these 10 traps:

1. Taking your partner for granted. That’s like having a garden that you’re not weeding or fertilizing, says Robert Billingham, professor of human development and family studies at Indiana University. “You can’t expect it to continue to thrive.” Let your partner know you appreciate him or her.

2. Forgetting that a good marriage takes work. “People think that having a happy marriage is a magical, mystical occurrence,” says marriage and family therapist Dr. Leslie Parrott, co-author of When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages (Zondervan/HarperCollins). “We’ve accepted the fact that parenting takes a lot of skill, but we don’t want to accept the idea that romantic love takes a great deal of work, too.”

3. Not talking through conflict. If you rely on heavy sighs, slammed doors and other non-verbal communication when something is bothering you, you could be playing with fire. As painful as it may be to get the conversation started, you must speak up. “Otherwise, problems start festering and begin to take on a life of their own,” explains Sharon Naylor, author of The Unofficial Guide to Divorce (Hungry Minds).

4. Failing to romance your partner. “We all want to be made to feel special,” says psychologist Kate Wachs, author of Relationships for Dummies (Hungry Minds) and Dr. Kate’s Love Secrets (Paper Chase Press). “That’s why it’s so important to set aside at least one night per week for you and your spouse. Use this regular ‘date night’ to share your hopes and dreams.”

5. Fighting dirty. The better you know somebody, the easier it is to hurt that person. “No matter how angry you may be about something,” Naylor says, “you need to resist the temptation to figure out the one thing that will hurt your partner the most and then use that against him.”

6. Fighting over money. A recent study by the Million Dollar Round Table, an international association of life insurance and financial services professionals, found that 43% of married couples argue about money. If money’s becoming a major source of conflict, you might consider sitting down with a financial planner or some other 3rd party that can help come up with a financial game plan you both can live with.

7. Letting the passion fizzle. “Have sex often — anytime either of you is in the mood,” Wachs says. “If you wait until both partners are in the mood, you won’t end up having much sex at all and, over time, you’ll end up drifting apart.”

8. Shutting down sexually when you’re angry rather than dealing with issues. Although withholding affection may seem like the ideal way to punish your partner, you risk seriously damaging your relationship, Wachs says.

9. Failing to understand that marriages have ups and downs. “It’s OK to expect incredible moments in your marriage,” Parrott says. “Just don’t expect them to happen every day.”

10. Throwing in the towel too easily. “We’re so accustomed to the concept of obsolescence that we treat our partners as disposable,” says Herb Glieberman, a Chicago divorce attorney and author. Vow to rekindle the flames rather than looking for the closest escape hatch.

DON’T HOLD ON, MOVE ON INSTEAD.

Have you been dumped, betrayed or left so heartbroken that you didn’t ever want to love again I have been there before; I know how difficult a place it is to be. Are you still stuck on an ex and don’t know how to move on? And how do you know when it’s time to let go and look for love somewhere else?

If you’re “the other woman” who’s waiting for a man to leave his lover, don’t waste your time. “If he’ll do it with you, he’ll do it to you,” Listen good people. The man you want lacks integrity and can’t make a commitment.

Don’t hold all men or all women, responsible for the mistake your ex made. Why should he pay for the sins of someone else who may have wronged you?

Learn to trust again — by trusting yourself. A man who’s having a hard time letting women back into his life: “Trust is not about how much you trust one person or another to do right or wrong. How much you trust another person depends on how much you trust yourself to be strong enough to deal with their imperfections.” Have enough faith in yourself to be able to put yourself on the line with someone, without any guarantee of what will happen next. If you’re playing the game with sweaty palms, it’s because you’re afraid of what you can or can’t do, or dealing with your own imperfections — it’s not about the other person.

Know that you will get hurt if you’re in a relationship. There is no perfect person without flaws. Even a well-intended guy is going to hurt his partner. He’s going to hurt your feelings. He’s going to say things that you don’t want him to say. He’s going to do things you wish he wouldn’t do and not do things you wish he would do. A relationship is an imperfect union between two willing spirits who say, ”I’d rather be in a relationship and share my life, share my joys, share my fun, share my activities, share my life than do it alone.” If you want to be in a relationship, know that getting hurt comes with the territory. You just have to decide that you are durable enough, that you have enough confidence in yourself that you can handle it.

Don’t wait around because you think he’s going to change. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, so the chance that he’s going to ride in on his white horse and do the right thing is pretty slim. This I say to you all, “To the extent that there’s some history, you don’t have to speculate, you just have to measure.”

Don’t put your life on hold. Every minute you spend focusing on your ex is a minute that’s holding you back from a better future. “As long you are obsessed on this guy, you will never put your heart, soul and mind into getting your life in order and starting another relationship if you want one.” Set some goals and start putting your life back together.

Don’t beat yourself up. You got through your last experience, you’ve learned from it, and now it’s time to move forward. “You’ll move on and be a champion in your next attempt as you did in your past … Life is not a success-only journey. You are going to get beat up along the way.”

Ask yourself: Are you hiding in the relationship so you don’t have to face the reality of being on your own? Don’t stay with someone because it’s comfortable and safe. It may seem more secure, but it’s not healthy for you and it certainly won’t help you get to a better place. Why would you want to settle and waste your life away just to avoid getting back in the game?

All of us come into relationships with baggage, but you need to have closure on past experiences before you can start a new relationship with the odds in your favor.”Unless and until you’ve figured out everything you’ve got to figure out about that and you get closure, you will never come into a relationship with a fresh and clean heart and mind and expectancy and attitude.” You’re probably not ready to get into another relationship until you heal the wounds of your past.

There’s a 50/50 chance a marriage is going to work if both people are head over heels in love, passionate and willing to climb the mountain, swim the river and slay the dragon to get to each other. That’s with everybody crazy in love and running toward each other in that field that we see in the commercials. The problem you’ve got here is he’s running the other way in the field! So if it’s 50/50 when you’re running toward each other, what do you think it is when the other person is running out of the field and hiding in the woods?”

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