Marriage and talks

By Herbert Mtowo

With most marriages ending in divorce, it is important to take a self inventory about who you want to get married. In my talk to several people, I have discovered that people have really wild and at times crazy ideas about why they want to get married. In this article I am just sharing the fundamentals that should motivate me and you to get married. Several movies have been done on this matter and what comes to my attention quickly is “Why did I get married?” “Why did I get married too? “am sure there are several I can mention but these two and many others try to bring out to the open some of the reasons why people get married. So to avoid much of the heartache and pain and not ask regrettably,”Why did I get married?, you can as well ask yourself now, “Why do I want to get married ?” This will go a long way in making your heart and mind sure of what you want to get into before you do so. Read this along and give me feedback
Having compatibility, trust, and communication in your relationship will build the strong foundation of companionship you need for marriage. However, if one of these factors is not present, getting married is not a good idea. Marriage between two people should only occur when all factors are present. It is never a good idea to get married for the wrong reasons. Reasons not to get married include getting married due to love at first sight, sexual attraction, to cure loneliness, as an act of rebellion, rebound love, out of obligation, pressure, pregnancy, and for financial gain. Marriages based on these reasons most likely result in divorce. While for some people, one or these reasons may seem like the best thing, but they are not. Some of these reasons are selfish and do not Love at first sight. Ah, what a feeling! You smile constantly, have butterflies in your tummy, and may feel impulsive. Impulsive enough to get married. Getting married based on love alone is the number one reason not to get married. Love at first sight can be a temporary feeling. The things you do like running off to get married while under its spell can have lasting negative effects. No foundation has been built to support the marriage. Therefore, the marriage has no backbone and will most likely end in divorce. Also, marrying from lust at first sight is a bad idea as well. Marriages based on sexual attraction do not survive. Sex is one of the several factors that keep the flames of love burning and not thee only one. It`s important to have an open mind to be able to develop strengths in every area of your relationship. It`s sad that many people are just enduring and not enjoying marriage.

Second, do you trust one another? Marriages without trust are marriages that end in divorce. Having your partner’s trust is a must have in a relationship. If the slightest doubt in either of the partners’ mind, then there is no trust. Relationships thrive on trust and cannot survive without it. Third, is there communication? Lack of communication can destroy a relationship. Communication is very important in a marriage. Married people need to communicate all the time. Talking only when times get rough or not talking at all only hurts the relationship. The lack of communication is also a leading reason for divorces. Divorcees commonly complain that the other partner never listened or avoided conversations with them. Communication is vital to the relationship. If you never communicate, how will you know if you are compatible and if you trust one another?

No one wants to be lonely, but marrying someone simply to avoid being alone the rest of your life is wrong, not only for you but for your mate as well. People fear being alone and will jump into a marriage quickly to avoid it. Chances are you will still be lonely only now you will be lonely in a marriage. These types of marriages have no foundation of companionship and usually result in unhappiness leading to divorce take in the considerations of the other partner’s feelings. Whether you are marrying as an act of rebellion or rebound, neither are a good idea. The acts are selfish. Getting married as a way to get even with someone, parents and/or ex-lover, only hurts the ones who love you and yourself. Rebelling into marriage can have a negative impact on everyone involved. Marrying someone while on the rebound is unfair to the other person. It is easier for someone on the rebound to fall in love because of the need to be loved. People on the rebound tend to marry the wrong person. They are in love with the idea of being in love and not the real person. Rebound marriages can hurt the other partner who actually may be in love with the rebounded. The rebounded can also be hurt once they realize the mistake they have made.

Lastly, marrying for financial gain is wrong. Many men and women marry for financial gain to escape their current financial situations. This is perhaps the most selfish reason to marry someone. These marriages almost always result in divorce with hurt parties on both sides. Marrying for any of the wrong reasons is a recipe for disaster. Marriage is about commitment. A serious commitment between two people should never be taken lightly. Make sure you are marrying for the right reasons and not the wrong ones. Take time to ask yourself today, ‘Why do want to get married?” Check for the signals before you commit yourself to a long boring, lifeless and tiring marriage.
Marriage is not a fancy dream. Let’s be realistic.”


BY Herbert Mtowo

I hope by now women you are all aware that, a man needs you to be his poet – not his reporter. You see, to connect to a man’s heart, you need to speak from yours! Are you a Reporter or a Poet? And… Why do you need to know? The simple definition is: A reporter states the facts. A poet shares her feelings ABOUT the facts. Listen to me women; every man wants to get close to a woman who is feeling something down to her toes. Imagine you’re standing on a hilltop with a man you really like – maybe even love – and you’re standing in front of a gorgeous sunset. Imagine what it would feel like to not say anything. To watch the sunset with this man in silence. Do you have an urge in this imaginary place to make a verbal connection with the man? To touch him? To say something that will connect you?

What would it be like if you just smiled? If you just felt that sunset down to your toes and smiled? What if you allowed yourself to feel the full amazingness of the sunset? This is true of men, from talking and relating to men and being a man myself, I know that the man who’s standing next to you when you feel the sunset down to your toes and smile at him will: Turn around and look at you. He will look at you, and he will try to get closer to you. Why? Because everybody wants to be near someone who is having an amazing experience!

Now let’s say he does smile at you. Maybe he says something like “uhhh…” while he’s The Poetstaring at you.
What is it you want to say? Are you going to be the “Reporter” of you and “report” what you see and what you think? Or are you going to be a “Poet” of you and express what you’re feeling? It might seem like it makes very little difference – but truly, it makes all the difference in the world to love and romance. Every man has a deep want to be in a connected and secure relationship, with a woman who pours her heart; words are like magnet to men. I want to help you to be that one one-In-A-Million woman your man never wants to lose. Women do you know what your man honestly needs to feel desperately in love and stay utterly convinced that you’re the only woman for him? And the key is in being a poet and not a reporter.

A Reporter would say, “What a beautiful sunset.” She would say, “It’s orange and pink and purple.”
A Poet would say, “I feel like a teenager back in my old room feeling all lovely and surrounded with stuffed animals. I can feel my heart pounding being so close to you here.”

The poet melts the man`s heart. The Reporter gets the friends, gets the business deals, and gets a few dates with a masculine-energy man. The Poet gets the romance, and holds the man’s heart in her hands. The Poet – to the man – seems confident. She seems comfortable in her own skin. She seems happy to be herself.

The Reporter – to the man – seems smart. She also seems tense. She’s all facts, all business, and all description. She doesn’t speak with life she speaks convincingly and informatively but not lovingly.

If what you want is a man’s heart, and not just his mind –then you have to learn and be the Poet, speaking with your emotions and from the heart and life and believe you me you will be HIS Poet. Reporter minded women drive men away but the poets know how to have a man`s heart in their hearts and hands. The skill and power of a poetic loving woman can never be denied and looked down upon. How do you talk or communicate with your man, are you his poet or you are his reporter?

Finally, I want you to remember this: A man can go a lifetime wishing he finally met a woman who understood him at a deep level – his needs, his fears, his hopes and dreams. And when he finally finds that woman, he feels so good that he simply can’t help himself from wanting to be with her all the time.

I want you to be that woman… and experience for yourself the incredible feelings that come from truly getting each other. Because once a man feels you’re the woman who truly understands him, he’ll naturally and effortlessly give you all the love, understanding and security YOU’VE been wishing for.


communication is key to love
Herbert Mtowo

Communication is one of the sensitive issues that we all have to earn every day of our lives. The best way to improve communication is through learning to communicate effectively and this will help couples develop a happy relationship. A relationship is a mixture of emotions which include feats of disagreements. Marriage is a work in progress; you will have issues along the way from the small stuff like where to spend your vacation to bigger issues that involve money. When couples communicate effectively, they will develop better relationships.

As far as I am concerned she is the best woman when you think about communication, one who makes one open up and share the world which nobody else knows or sees. And conflicts in relationships can be avoided. But that takes a lot of growing in the area of communication in love.

To avoid conflicts and resolve common relational issues, I recommend use of the following marriage communication skills, though there are many skills of communication to grow and master:

1. Speak not when you are angry. Your heart beats more than 90 beats per minute when you are angry. At this rate, it is difficult to use the logical side of your brain. If you speak a word at this time, you might release bashing words that you would later regret. You might say things that would hurt your spouse and may cause an irreparable damage to your marriage. Thus, disengage when angry; speak not a word.

2. Choose non-offensive words when communicating. If you want to express a complaint, start your statement with “I” or “We” instead of “You”. Say, “I think our investment is a mistake” instead of “You made a mistake in investing our money”. Choosing non-offensive words will not illicit defensiveness from your spouse. Even your way of speaking should be with a soft voice.

3. Do not criticize your spouse. Do not attack your spouse’s character and personality. Do not accuse and blame. Don’t be sarcastic. Do not insult your spouse or call him names. Stop non-verbal communications that could trigger anger like eyes rolling in mockery and sneering. Folded arms and a slightly turned back could be construed as disrespect and non-interest in the communication.

4. Do not be defensive. Always listen and have an open mind in your communication. Your feelings may have been hurt during your communication but you have to face the issues and own your faults. Take responsibility for personal actions. Being defensive will prevent you and your spouse from solving your marital issues amicably and develop a happy relationship. Most relationships by far and large run at the defense mode pace.

5. Inform your spouse of your hurt feelings. Never hide them or be passive about these emotions because if you do, you are creating a monster that can destroy your relationship. Being passive about your feelings will compound your hurts and this can turn into an explosive bomb when you reach your greatest tolerance. Addressing hurt feelings is one of the healthiest activities that a married couple should engage in. Never internalize your hurt feelings or subject your spouse to a silent treatment.

6. Be open to interact and communicate. A silent treatment will not only enrage your spouse, it will lead to unresolved issues. Silence is one of the deadly killers of relationships, and by all means we should try to avoid it.

Communicate with your ears, eyes, heart and mind. Make sure that you perfectly understand what your spouse is talking about. Listen to the needs and emotions being expressed. Make your spouse feel that you are listening attentively and feeling the emotions being expressed. Validate what you heard and felt by re-phrasing the statements or asking questions.

Master these relationship communication skills so that they become natural to you. These relationship communication skills then become automatic when you encounter marital issues. You automatically withdraw them from your system and unconsciously become your tools of engagement even when you are tired, upset, stressed or angry.

Relationship communication skills are one of your best tools to help you develop a healthy marriage life.

Surviving the Storms of life

by Herbert Mtowo

I have sometimes felt like Job. God has, because of his trust in my faith in him, allowed storm after storm to happen in my life. The Bible tells us: “it came to pass.” When in the midst of these storms I felt they would never end. They have passed, but the scars remain: Mike’s way of walking may never be perfect. Herbert’s body may have many scars, aches and pains. Todd’s paralysis may never go away. But one thing that I know that doesn’t stay forever is storms, they come and they go.

The challenges of life come to each and every one of us. None of us are exempt from adverse situations and circumstances. Trials of varied kinds are faced by people of all color, race, religion and languages. That’s life. So do not feel as though you are all alone, dealing with something that no one else ever dealt with, or is dealing with it in the present. Regardless of how things seem, it is a fact that others are facing the same storms. However, people approach their difficulties differently; hence they receive divers’ results. Some get discouraged and quit on life, committing suicide. Others cry and cry and cry, then walk around as zombies, spaced out on drugs of various kinds, while others still drink themselves out of their reality, or so they think, until they become sober again. At the same time, many face their situations and defeat the enemies which come against them. They rise to the top. If they can do that, so can you.

And what about those who believe in God? Do they, likewise face trials and temptations? Yes, of course we do. Again, the difficulties of life are common to all men. But these seeming adverse challenges can be over-come if we gain the understanding of what to do and how to do what we need to do. Great battles can result in awesome victories and successes, if we get wisdom.

Life, in spite of its difficulties, is a great and grand thing and we have what it takes to make it in this world. Within us is a God-given ability to rise to the challenge and knock down the giants of lack, sickness, inefficiency, low self-esteem, low morale, hurts, pains, negative family relations, drugs etc. You have what it takes to rise above it all.

Don’t quit on life. Don’t drug yourself out of this world. Do not sit idly by, wishing for death, because you feel as though you cannot cope.

With God, you can make it. With Him you can use those same stumbling-blocks as your stepping-stones to a better you, to a better life. And even if, at the moment, you cannot see your way out of your situations and circumstances, realize that the Creator of the Universe knows the way out and will show it to you, I’m begging you believe.
Believe what, you may ask? Believe that He is able to help you. Believe enough to call upon Him. Believe enough to take a step of faith, trusting that He has the power to turn things around for you. Believe that He loves you and wants to help you. Believe that He is a very present help, to everyone who calls upon Him. Believe.

It is going to be alright. Things are going to get better. If you seek the Lord Jesus for His wisdom and strength, He will prove Himself to you. Here Him as He says in His Word, the Bible:

Isaiah 41:10-“Fear thou not, for I am with thee; Be not dismayed, for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of My righteousness.”


Finding loveCherished Love
By Herbert Mtowo

Boaz finding Ruth is one of my favorite love stories in the history of humanity. Though many would argue with me and say that finding love is like chasing the wind and an elusive dream and believe you me I am no expert to love and in love, but the few years I have lived on planet earth have been full of countless and precious and worthy lessons on a lot of topical issues to life. Talking about the love of a lifetime many schools of thoughts and theories have been spoken of written when it comes to stumbling on the love that we all cherish and long for. But allow me to approach it from another angle as I open my heart and pour it in black and white, how that life still is the master teacher when it comes to finding true love.

The foundational scripture that I’d like to begin with is 1 John 4:19, “We love God because He FIRST LOVED us.” Do you see the significance of those words? We didn’t chase after God. No, he chased after us. He lured us into a relationship with Him. Romans 3:11 tells us that no one seeks after God without him first seeking after them. It was God who waited at the well to talk with the woman who had already lived with seven men and the man she was with wasn’t even her husband. It was God who asked the questions and then provided the answers that would bring about her deliverance and change her life. That day as she made her way to the well, she wasn’t thinking about whether she would have an encounter with God today, no, she was going to get water. But God knew in advance that she would be there and he waited. Then he wooed her with his words.

To my precious Single women friends, how often is this scenario in reverse for you. You get all doled up and go to this or that event, hoping and praying that Mr. Right will find you? I remember growing up my sister at one time confided to me if she can get just a man to give her children she would be happy because she was getting tired by the day of waiting for love, many have died and lived disappointed but hold on for a while and listen to me as you read through this article. Do you ever leave feeling disappointed, especially if you go to a Christian singles’ event and there are 50 women for every one man. The odds really aren’t in your favor.

But I want you to make a shift in your consciousness today. I want you to see the development of a true love relationship, a godly love relationship in a whole new light. I want you to see a love relationship that mimics the relationship that God had with Israel, a prophet had with a prostitute, and Jesus has with the church.

Did you know that God’s relationship with the children of Israel in the Old Testament shows the love that a man is supposed to have for his mate? Are you aware that over and over and over and over in the Bible that God pursued the children of Israel only to be rejected again and again and again? Passage after passage throughout in the Old Testament is God pleading for the children of Israel to love and follow him because He wanted to bless them. Anyone who says God isn’t patient or merciful hasn’t read the Bible. He never gave up; he still hasn’t. These were his people and He loved them despite their bad behavior. All he ever wanted was for them to return and embrace his love.

In fact, he also used the story of Hosea to further depict his love and faithfulness to his people. God put an unconditional love in Hosea’s heart for a prostitute, Gomer and told him to marry her. In Hosea 3:1, God told Hosea, “Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites.” Hosea took Gomer to his home and gave her everything he had. He was crazy over her. But her old ways and life would lure her back into the streets and the arms of other men. Yet, that did not stop Hosea from finding his woman and bringing her back home. That’s how much he loved her.

Did you know that the relationship between Jesus and the church is our model for marriage? The Bible says that “we” are the bride of Christ. In Mark 2:20 Jesus refers to himself as the bridegroom. And because of his love for us, he stepped off his throne in heaven, lived on earth for about 30 years where he was ridiculed and rejected, and then died violently on a cross to restore our relationship back to God so that we could live eternally with Him. Revelations 19:7-9 and 21:1-2 tells about the last wedding that will take place. We are told that at the second coming of Christ, the official wedding ceremony will begin and the eternal union of Christ and his bride (us) will become a reality.

Well as I continued to prepare my writing of this article the Lord spoke to my spirit and said, that if a man is not as crazy and devoted to you as Christ is to the church and God was to the Children of Israel, he is not your bridegroom but a hireling, a fake. Wow! We loved God because HE first loved us. Ladies you are to love the man in our life because “he” first loved you, not because you manipulated, coerced, seduced, or even threatened him in marrying you. As women, you are to be receivers, not chasers. God created the man to choose, to pursue, and to love you and not the other way around. Ephesians 5:25 tells men to love their wives as Christ loved the church. But unfortunately, a role reversal has taken place and women have begun to aggressively chase after men and use any and all means to get them. Ladies, you may get a man, but he won’t be your bridegroom! When God does the choosing he will send him correct and He will put a love in his heart for you that will last longer than a flicker in the night.

I have personally known of men who waited for a woman for YEARS because they knew that woman was the one God had for them; they had eyes for no other. It didn’t matter how cute someone else was, their hearts were taken. Often times the women couldn’t see it. They just weren’t interested at all, but God began to do a work in their heart as well and these marriages are just as strong today as they were years ago.

I know I’m going to sound a bit out there now, but I’m going to say it anyway. Ladies, if the man in your life is not crazy about you, can’t stop thinking about you, doesn’t nurture and cherish you, doesn’t love buying you little things to see you smile, and if that man in your life wouldn’t die for you, he’s not your bridegroom. He is a fake and he’ll never love you like a true groom would. Now you can settle for him just to have somebody and not be alone, but just be clear what you’re doing. However, if you want God’s best, then wait for God to bring him to the well of your heart. Let him ask you for a drink of water but all along his true intentions are to water you with his love, to woo you, and to take you as his own.

Now married to women, your man may have started out thinking you were the cream in his coffee but because of the little foxes that were swept under the rug and not exposed and dealt with, a wall may have surfaced between you. It’s time to cleansing your relationship from everything that stands between you and your man and get those sparks flying again. So don’t despair, just start doing that mental and spiritual cleaning that is blocking the love between you from flowing freely. However, if you settled for a hireling, you may have to work harder to cultivate love and passion in your relationship, but with God all things are possible.

Now to all the men, I told you that you can glean from this article as well because if the woman in your life doesn’t make you a little “coo coo,” when you think about her then she probably isn’t the one either. I believe that when God presents that woman in your life you will eat, breath, dream, and sleep her. You won’t be able to get her out of your mind. It’s like thoughts about her will haunt you, in a good way of course. And yes, you would give her your all, up to the point of your own life. Your love for her will represent the love that Jesus has for the church and God for his people.

Therefore, single women if you are in a relationship and with a man, in which, you are always questioning whether he loves you, you don’t know his intentions, and you are carrying the bulk of relationship, run away, don’t walk. This man is “just not that into you.” Your bridegroom and your Boaz won’t have any problem showing you and telling you how he feels.

Lastly, be patient and as you learned in life`s lessons, learn to have a relationship with yourself and be fun, confident, and a joy to be around. Then one day when you least expect it, he’ll be right there waiting for you and you thought you were just going to buy some lettuce.

The beauty of understanding Love

Are you unable to express your love? You cannot find the languages of love? Are you trying hard to get it but you can’t? Don’t worry. The solutions are very simple. It is true that everybody cannot express their love to their partner easily. But, there are different languages of love. These languages are not same like English, Zulu, Oshiwambo, Spanish, and Otjiherero etc. These languages are quite different. I am sure you and me have heard that communication happens via one or more of three ways which are namely:

1. Visual – this refers to what we see and how we present ourselves
2. Auditory – this refers to what we hear and say
3. Kin aesthetic – this refers to what we feel and/or do

The way we experience love is via exactly the same channels: Visual – what I see in my relationship with you, Auditory – what I hear you say in my conversations with you and Kin aesthetic – what I feel when you touch me or when you do things for me.

And just as a piece of communication may be changed, depending on our previous life experience, so too will the perception of the other in the relationship. Many people have read the famous book by Gary Chapman, but there are still new people discovering it all the time. Over five million copies of the popular book have been sold, as it is consistently a New York Times bestseller. Many couples read the book in premarital counselling, and other couples read it after getting married. Chapman teaches that understanding your spouse’s love language is one of the keys to a successful relationship and marriage. Many feel wounded when their primary love language is not addressed or met. It is each individual`s responsibility to understand their partner`s love language and be able to meet that love language. So many people in love whether in relationships as courtship or marriage are running on an empty tank for a couple of years, because their love languages the primary ones aren’t full and ministered to by their partners.

Speaking to Busisiwe about the languages of love has been greatly fascinating and astonishing indeed, there is a woman who shares and opens her heart. What a fine woman she is an example to many and greatly cherished when it comes to opening up on such issues. She speaks about them passionately and how precious they are to her and her husband so this article is birthed out of my talking to her, interactions with many people in love married or in courtship, the languages of love I have realized still remain the same in any culture and geographical location.

What I missed out as a child is what I crave most now. We all know that there are two factors involved in creating who I am as a person. One pertains to “nature”; some quality that is already present at my birth and may in part be genetically inherited. The other pertains to “nurture”; the quality of the physical environment in which I was raised including how my parents and others cared for me. And while the debate still continues about which is most critical my belief is that both are equally so. To those who are not familiar with the languages of love, let me just run through them briefly. They are

Words of affirmation:

Some people like to receive words of affirmation or praise. People who want to hear praise need to hear they are great and special. Actions don’t speak louder than words in their minds. They are also especially sensitive to criticism, so you need to be careful how you criticize someone who has this love language as their primary one.

Quality time

It is when one gives their partner undivided attention; you and me must understand and accept that some people just need to spend time with others! People who have this love language need your undivided attention. They expect to have their spouse’s attention regularly. Quality time does not have to be anything special, but it does need to be dedicated time with your spouse. You need to be willing to turn off the TV and the computer to spend time with your wife! Quality time does not mean doing chores together either! When you spend quality time together, you talk about your day and pay attention to your mate.

Acts of service

Acts of service is the languages of love; some people like to be served! They love it when you clean their car for them, make dinner for them, and do their chores for them. Think about how your mate expresses their love for you. If your mate is always serving you and doing things for you, then acts of service is one of their main love languages. Mates who seem to be lazy and don’t do any work around the house will not be attractive to someone who loves acts of service. So just because my language of love is such as, to hear words of endearment, my partner may have a whole different love language, such as, his might be to have things done for him, such as the preparation of a nice meal, as he did not receive that as a child.


Spouses that like receiving gifts love when they receive random gifts all the time. It really speaks to their heart when they receive a love note from you. Women who have the receiving gifts love language want you to show up at home with chocolate or other random food. You should never forget an anniversary or other special occasion.

The physical touch:

Some people love to be touched. You can express your love for your mate through holding hands, touching each other on the arm, hugs, and other touchy freely actions! Mates that want to be touched also expect you to be around to be touched. It is especially difficult for spouses who like physical touch to be away from their mate for an extended period. This is the most important language of love. If you are in the relationship then it is incomplete without a physical touch. This is the easiest way to express your love. A simple physical touch can bring some extra feelings to your partner which is just like heaven. A simple handshake might be a great in but may not be enough in of a relationship. This is the most primary form of love language. It comes to people automatically. There is no need of training for it.

Additionally I might have several love languages so I might be regarded as bi-lingual or even multi-lingual. The different languages of love are for everyone but, unfortunately everybody cannot opt for all of these. If your love is strong then anyone from these can be great for you. You do not need all five that time. The main goal of the languages of love is making a strong relationship between you and your partner. It can be done anyway.

Strengthening your wife…

Making her comfy with you

By Valentine Zhou

Men, imagine your wife achieving everything she desires to do! And when she is interviewed on national Television, they ask her – “What made you do this much greatness?”, then she simply replies, “I can do anything I purpose to do because my husband helps me, supports me, encourages me and backs my every move. Wouldn’t that be just wonderful?

I remember the first days I got married; I used to say, when we had an argument with Shantelle I would pull out heavy artillery just to shoot her down and would make sure she stays down. I would even say hurtful and insulting words just to win the argument. At times I would lie just to emerge the winner. How many men relate with me there?
But as we progressed in marriage I discovered that Shantelle was no longer confident of herself anymore and I wanted to push her into being strong when I wanted her to be strong and shoot her down when we had an argument. Till one day she opened up to me and today me that your word just hurt me and destroy my self-esteem.

After I had written then what did Jesus do? A piece, I was forwarded a scripture that I know and knew very well but now it had a new meaning and a new understanding that came with it. And made me realize how I should have and how I should treat my wife from here going forth.I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.Philippians 4:13

If the bible simplifies a husband and wife relationship to that of Christ and the church, it than means as men our template then is Christ. We draw from Christ as men, we follow Christ as He is the greatest example. I then got an understanding that this has to be Shantelle saying, “I can do all thing cause Vale strengthens me”. Then I thought what did Jesus do to strengthen his church? It then dawned on me that I am not just the King in my house but also a prophet and a priest. I am my wife’s biggest supporter, I am my wife’s biggest encourage r, I am my wife’s biggest financier, I am my wife’s biggest intercessor, I am my wife’s bigger pillar of strength and I am my wife’s greatest fixer (when she makes mistakes I will not shoot her down) – just to mention a few the list is endless.

Philippians 2 says, “….let this mind be in you which was in Christ Jesus….” Meaning we don’t have to think what Christ would have done but focus on what he did. Christ put her bride first and made it His mission to just get the best for her. Philippians further says that insight of Him being God he lowered himself just for His bride’s sake. How much more as husbands should we make our wife’s say you are my greatest supporter? Not in public but in private.


Managing life’s changes is impossible unless you have a very strong motivating force! You need a powerful answer to the question, ‘Why?’ ‘Why should I change?’ Why can’t he change? Why can’t she change? Why do I have to change? You will never change until you have a solid, definite answer to WHY you need to change!
Allow me to introduce you to the biggest WHY you will ever have in your life – CHAOS – your chaos. The chaos you see in your life – as managing life’s changes becomes ever more challenging with each passing year.

Don’t see chaos as just a negative thing that is dragging you down, eating up all of your energy and keeping you from achieving your goals. See it as an incredibly powerful motivator – the reason WHY you need to make big, positive changes in yourself and your whole life!

Chaos is good! Chaos is just a world of opportunities waiting for you to impose your will and your requirements – and your needs on it! Chaos is unformed, shapeless, disordered and confusing – but it isn’t fixed, rigid or unchangeable! The good thing about chaos is that with a little effort and a few changes, you can impose order on it!
Abraham Lincoln
The chaos in your life is an opportunity – just waiting for you to make the changes that will shape a chaotic life into a purposeful, productive, well-ordered and happy life. And that is an incredibly attractive reason, why you can and you should get started today on making the personal and career adjustments that will allow you to be successful in managing life’s changes.

You can take control of managing your life’s changes! Think of the swirling, formless, chaotic mass of unbounded space and formless matter that the scientists tell us existed before the creation of the universe. And then look at the perfectly formed fingers and toes of a newborn baby that are the result of the system of constant change that still rules our universe. Isn’t that proof that out of even the most chaotic situation imaginable – something good and positive and wonderful can emerge?

Don’t change because other people are telling you how you should think and act! Don’t change because you just want to fit in with what everyone else is doing!

When you find that your life is in a state of flux and uncertainty, look deeply into the chaos and find yourself, find the real you. Ask what you want and need out of your life. Only then can you start re-shaping the chaos and making the changes that will take you closer, every day, to the life you have always wanted to live!


Great leadership depends on possibility thinking. If we hear someone say that something is impossible, it almost always guarantees that it won’t be attempted, and if there is no attempt, there can be no achievement. Leaders must be optimistic realists, who approach every challenge looking to how to get it done, and not reasons why something cannot be done. Very little is impossible if we don’t let ourselves to view it that negative way. Remember the immortal words of Audrey Hepburn, who said, “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!”

Herbert Mtowo

Herbert Mtowo

Henry Ford is often quoted as saying that “You can think you can or you can think you can’t. Either way, you’ll be correct.” However, as true as this is to each of us in our everyday life, it is even more relevant for leaders. How a leader perceives and conceives a situation often determines his response. But, it is the rare, true leader whose possibility thinking is so proactive and integral to his behavior that he plans in advance, and not waiting to respond. When a leader looks at challenges or potential challenges as mere obstacles to discuss and overcome, he dictates his behavior and not having obstacles and challenges become problems, and problems become paralyzing dictators. Believing in the possible is far more than merely putting on rose-colored glasses, and being a mindset of denial, but rather understanding fully the situation, yet coming up with real solutions, and taking the steps, and putting forth the necessary action to get things done.

A leader can sense malaise and act so, being merely a purveyor of gloom and doom. However, a true leader raises the spirits of those around him, by pointing out what needs to be done to discuss the dispiriting issues, and assure they are addressed proactively into the future. If someone in a position of leadership believes something necessary is impossible, he probably should not be a leader in the first place. True leaders can never be led by their fears and trepidations, but rather must focus on what needs to be done, and alternatives that can get the organization to where they need to be.

Are you a positive, possibility leader? Do you seek long – term solutions, address issues proactively and never think of problems, but rather challenges that need to be overcome? Only when a leader never believes that things are impossible can he be effective and meaningfully lead.



Have you ever wondered why some leaders make success more rapidly than others? It is not purely because they are more talented, better looking, have better ideas or have the best strategic plans. Some of these things impact the outcome, but the defining difference is in their ability to influence.

Leadership author and speaker John Maxwell puts it very simply.

“Leadership is influence. Nothing more, nothing less.”

The ability to influence others is a key quality of a leader. Leaders must embrace the mastery of this skill, as it determines your success or failure. It is your ability to influence that allows you to drive change, build cohesive, high performing teams and successfully carry out strategic plans. To be an effective leader, it is necessary to influence others to support and action your vision, ideas and day-to-day decisions.

Let me be clear… when I speak of influence I am not referring to manipulation. Manipulation may get you what you want in the short-term but the long-term damage to your reputation and your leadership will not be worth it. Your role as a leader is to mobilize people to believe in a compelling vision and act towards meeting a common goal. You are there to show them what is possible and to influence desired actions in an effort to deliver excellence in everything they set out to do. Great leaders lead and influence by modelling a winning attitude and encouraging others to continue to stretch and grow their skills and abilities. Influence, like leadership can be learnt.

Your influence is built on a foundation of:

1. Trust. People follow, believe in and work harder for people who they trust. Without trust there is an absolute limit to your ability to create lasting influence. Trust is built over time out of genuine relationships, care and consistency of behavior. You will notice when people trust you, they will believe in your vision, be more willing to stretch beyond their comfort zone and go the “extra mile” to get the job done.

2. Like ability. Amy Cuddy, of Harvard Business School, found that projecting “warmth” is the key to having influence. Research has shown that leaders who are rated low on likability have about a one in 2,000 chance of being regarded as effective. WOW! So it is important to make sure that you are approachable, positive, genuine, caring and warm if you wish to succeed as a leader.

3. Genuine Relationships. Those with the greatest amount of influence are almost always those with the strongest relationships. Think about the people whom you have solid relationships with. Are you more likely to go out of your way to help them, support them and champion their success? Of course you are. The same goes for your relationships at work.

4. And while building genuine relationships with your team, customers and others at work, you will build and strengthen your trust and likability reason, thus further strengthening the degree of your influence.

The bottom line is that your leadership influence is more to do with your character and who you are being each day when your show up at work than anything else. Take a sincere interest in others, work on your likability and strengthen the relationships with those around you and sit back and watch your influence and so your impact and results flourish. What can you do today to take steps to build even more trust, elevate your likeability score and your strengthen relationships?