Is it honor or shame love or war?

Herbert Mtowo

Honor and change are in the life of humanity but one has to realize booth of them when they have come and walk in their fullness thereof. Such is the world of humanity that many have missed such. But this I have realized and noticed among-st people, the refusal to give honor and accept change when needed, as in regards to Gender based Violence against women and children, though no statistics’ states that there is a growing number of men suffering in silence also. Many choose to stay in abusive relationships because they have been lied to that walking away will bring shame, but what shame is it when one is already going through it while faking honor of marriage and love.
Sad in my opinion governments and politicians, those legally empowered to deal with such aren’t doing enough or more to curb this evil. The pit of relationship hell must be domestic violence as it corrodes both your emotional and physical strength. Your body hurts but so do your emotions and your heart. You feel violated physically and emotionally but fear, unworthiness and a glimmer of optimism battle for a place in your life. And this conflicting well of emotions is what mobilizes you? So what can you do to escape domestic violence? How do you find the courage to leave?

Be real! To find the courage to escape domestic violence you must take an honest look at your relationship and the emotions that it evokes.

You have that nagging feeling that your partner will change and because they act extra nice after the violence you hang your confused emotions on this. But you have been here before and they have not changed. Why do you think that they will change now? What is your confidence based on? Your abusive partner’s word? Has your abusive partner kept their word not to abuse you before? So why is today’s promise from them any different? To get the courage to leave you must be honest with yourself and realize that your partner will not change and if you do not leave this domestic violence will kill you emotionally and maybe physically.

Maybe you are afraid that your abusive spouse will get so angry if you leave that they will become even more abusive than usual. They have trained you well with their violence so that you are now planned to avoid making them angry. You will do anything not to make them angry. But again you have been here before; have all your efforts not to make them angry worked? Has all the walking on eggshells and fawning over them worked at stopping their violence toward you? Do you not realize that you cannot keep the peace with them as they are on the war path just waiting to pounce on you at the slightest hint of imagined wrong? Your fear of more abuse just keeps you in a place to get even more violence.

When your spouse was first violent toward you, you felt incredible shame and so you hid this horrendous thing from your family and friends. And this was your first mistake because in a sick and perverted way it bound you to your abusive spouse as you now shared this incredibly horrible secret. You are ashamed that the person who is supposed to love you most in the world is raining such pain on you. You need to know that hiding shame does cut it and it in fact magnifies it in your life and makes the prison that you built for yourself from it even stronger. To get the courage to escape from domestic violence you need to let someone you trust and who cares for you and who can lend you their support know what it is that you are facing in your marriage.

An offshoot of domestic violence is a deep feeling of worthlessness. You feel like somehow you don’t deserve to be treated better by your spouse. This is due to what your partner says when they abuse you as well as the shame you feel. To escape domestic violence you need to remember how you felt about yourself before the abuse started or to imagine how it would feel if you didn’t have this cloud of violent abuse hanging over your life every single day of your life.

To escape domestic violence one must find the courage to leave their abusive spouse. And to find this courage one must counter the lies and flawed attitudes that they now have so that they can draw strength from the truth. Poverty is one of the reasons why women stay in abusive relationships and sad that most empowerment programs in Africa favor the men most and women become marginalized and can’t access the resources that would allow them to be able to make decisions not based on need and dependency but from a place or reality and strength.

Get you honor and walk away from any forms of abuse in a relationship, many have struggled to recover even though the physical scars have healed but the emotional damage has taken them a lifetime to walk tall and confidently again. Shame is keeping the abuse all in the name of feeling honored by society and culture, Honor is standing tall and refusing to be silent no more about abuse, whether you being the victim or someone else.



Foundations to Building a Strong Marriage

Don’t let menial things destroy your marriage. You need to build your marriage on a proper foundation. Before you build a house, you have to lay the foundation. The same is true for a marriage as well. What is this foundation I’m talking about, read these 5 foundations of a healthy marriage to help prevent you from being a statistic.

1) Have realistic expectations:

You can’t just say, “I do” and expect magic to happen; you’ve got to have realistic expectations. Don’t go into a marriage expecting to change the person or thinking that the person will change, because that is the person you are marrying and they’re NOT going to change. You know who you’re marrying now, don’t be upset if they’re still the same person 5 years from now. The marriage ceremony will not make your marriage better; a grandiose wedding ceremony does not equate to a better marriage. I’ve known people who spent hundred’s of thousands of dollars and were divorced within 9 months; they couldn’t even make it a year, so believe me a wedding ceremony doesn’t make a better marriage. Think about what marriage is to you, ask your partner what they think marriage is. Talk about your notions and expectations before you decide to marry one another. Are your expectations realistic? Before things get too heated, read the next item.

2) Communication and Intimacy:

I’ve heard the statement “God, gave you 2 ears and 1 mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you speak.” There is many truth to that, think about it, if you listened and truly listened to your spouse, how much more in-tune do you think you’d be to his/her emotions. Listening also gives you a chance to receive the true message that your partner is trying to convey; all too often the message is lost during transmission and we jump to conclusions before we’ve even finished processing the information. Listening doesn’t involve just your ears either. How many times have you asked someone, “What’s wrong,” only to get a, “nothing” in response? If you only heard the word, “nothing” then you probably just said, “Okay,” and walked away. This may have worked when you were dating, but not-so-much now. There’s more to communication than just listening, if you’ve ever taken any sort of public speaking or communication classes then you may have heard of the 7-38-55% rule, where the words we say account for 7% of the message we are trying to convey, tone of voice accounts for 38%, and our gestures and actions actually make up over half of the message. Go back to the situation where you ask your husband or wife, “What’s wrong,” they say nothing. Look at their body cues and posture and their facial expressions; body-language is a huge part of communication.

I know this next part is probably not really thought of as communication, but we’ve just discussed that communication is 55% of body language, so I think that sex is a huge part of communication. How long would your marriage last if you and your spouse didn’t talk for 1 month, or 3 months? On the same note, how long do you think it will last if you don’t have sex for 1 month, 3 months, or even 9 months or more? No, you’re right, but a lot of people who I know who try to make a marriage work without having sex with each other for months at a time, even years. It’s no wonder things end disastrously. Men and women both need this sexual contact and intimacy with one another, so don’t doom your relationship by turning down sex every night (especially out of anger or a fight), but there are times when you should agree to not have sex. It should be something that both partners want when having it, but every once in a while you’ve got to take one for the team and have sex, that is if you want your marriage to work. I’ve heard the excuse, we just don’t have time, but I tell you that you need to make time, try to set up a date with each other for at least one night a week where you can spend this intimate time together and strengthen your lines of communication. Part of communication is listening and being in-tune with your partners needs and desires not just talking.

3) Congruent Belief-System or Moral Standards:

I’m not saying that you both have to be Catholic, or whatever belief system you may be, but a lot of times problems start in the marriage when you have two different sets of belief systems. Especially when children are brought into the mix and one person wants to take part in certain rituals and rites that the other person may not hold dear. Here you have to really weigh why you want your child to go through a certain ceremony, or why not. If you aren’t married and don’t have kids, now would be a good time to talk about your expectations in these matters.

Another important aspect of congruent belief-system is does your partner have the same idea about what marriage is, what about relationships outside of marriage? If you go into a marriage with a skewed idea of marriage and don’t have the same moral standards when it comes to sexual relationships outside of marriage what will prevent this person from doing so. If you know where your partner stands on these certain issues then it shouldn’t become a problem down the road. Remember, you can’t change your partner, nor should you expect your partner to change after you are married. If your partner is an Atheist and you’re a Protestant, don’t expect your partner to all of a sudden start going to church with you, or quit going to church if you’re the Atheist. You know who you’re marrying this falls back on number 1 (don’t expect your partner to change), so you should talk about where you stand on certain issues so that they shouldn’t be a problem in the future; go through major components of your beliefs and moral code and discuss: marriage, sex, children, and anything that you think of that could be a problem. If your partner can’t change that aspect of their life or come to some sort of compromise or there aren’t any alternatives, and you’re already married you will have adapt and overcome. If you’re not married and no compromises can be met, maybe you should think about what type of toll this could put on your relationship in the future if this situation were to arise (remember you know your partner now, they will not change after you are married); you’re not breaking God’s covenant if you decide not to get married, it’s better to back out before and be judged by people, then to back out after and be judged by God.

4) Unity:

When two people become married, they should now act as 1. In Genesis, the bible speaks of 2 people leaving their parents, it uses the word cleave, which is to cut off. This means cut-off the ties and the reigns your parents had, as you are now your own family and are responsible only to each other and God. I’m not saying avoid your parents completely, but they shouldn’t have any sort of rules over you and your spouse, and when you have problems, you should not seek them for comfort as this has many times turned one spouse against another; if you need to seek some help, find a pastor or counselor.

5) Self-Sacrifice and Submission:

Now that you are a married couple you must quit putting yourself first and put your husband/wife first. You must submit to each other; no that doesn’t mean to become their slave, but going back to communication, which is probably one of the most important aspects of making a marriage work, you must be in-tune with your partners needs and be willing to work with them and compromise toward satisfying each other. Not everything needs to be a compromise or a negotiation, but if you’ve ever taken communication classes or management classes you may have talked about negotiating; you are looking for the win-win situations in everything that you absolutely must “negotiate,” but every once in a while you will have to take one for the team or compromise. That’s what you are now as a married couple, a team. I don’t know any teams that want to lose… I hope you aren’t setting your team up for failure.

Please feel free to comment and add some value to the conversation.
foundations of a building  a strongpraying thru

Be the Keeper of the Sexual Flame

making love is an art and skill to be learned

By Marry Lengley

A woman is like a flame which keeps man passionate. She glows softly when you do intimate love-making with her. She burns brightly when you do wild love-making her. Her body is like a sexual flame which ignites passion in every man. In addition, each expression on her face speaks thousands of words. Believe it or not, experts and artists are still finding the mysteries of a woman. According to them, if you want to be the keeper of the sexual flame then you have to learn that how to keep the flame alive. Experts believe that there is not any technique which can help you in winning the heart of women because every woman is different. However, if you want to win the heart of a woman and make her worship you then you have to learn the distance between two points.

A woman is like the distance between two points. One point is extreme emotional and another point is extreme sexual. Your success depends on the length of the line. If you are dominating the lengthy line then it means that you are holding your woman well, emotionally and sexually, and enjoying intimate life. Actually, I am telling you all these things because I do not want to teach you that how to catch small fishes. I want to tell you that how to turn your small fish into a sexual whale and dominate the oceans, which are filled with billions of small fishes.

HOW TO DO INTIMATE LOVE MAKING? (Turn Your Fish into a Sexual Whale)

Before doing intimate love-making, it is very essential to connect with her heart and nature. Intimacy generates when you connect with her heart and unlock the sexual desires of a woman. Remember, we are not here to talk about quickies. We are here to enjoy the intimacy with our women for hours. So, how can you connect with your woman and unlock her sexual side? Well, it is very simple. Just turn her into a playful girl with secret stimulation techniques.

There are some secret stimulation techniques that intensify the senses of women without getting physical. First of all, I am going to tell you that how to create an intimate environment with some stimulation techniques and turn her into a playful girl. Before turning her into a playful girl, it is fundamental to create intimate environment. Perhaps, you have never noticed the power of your environment, but now you have to use this power properly.
Silk sheets always intensify the sensations in intimate love-making sessions. Use silk sheets often for increasing intimacy. Also, scented candles are better than electric lights. Candle lights are very soothing and magical for girls. That’s why; they love to go for candle light dinners with their men. It appeals women and bring erotic emotions inside them. If you want to create dynamic environment then you should use the power of yellow candle lights. She not only feels exotic but also achieves greatest pleasure with you while doing romance in yellow candle lights. Yellow color stimulates her naughty desires and turns your average romance into x-rated romance.
In intimate love-making session, you do everything very smoothly with erotic stimulation techniques. Relax her as much as you can and slow down your moves. When you slow down your movements and keep the environment soothing, you automatically generate anticipation. The beauty of anticipation is that it keeps the flame burning to meet maximum sexual pleasure. Anticipation escalates intimacy in the environment and stimulates woman’s sexuality. A woman keeps on feeling sexual sensation when you generate anticipation.

As you have noticed, every little detail matters for creating intimacy. Also, you have to use some stimulation techniques to bring eroticism in the environment. For women, a man who keeps the eroticism alive is extremely sexual. These above tips not only connect you with her emotionally but also seduce her mind in a magical way. Remember, you can never do intimate love-making with a woman if you do not connect her emotions with you.


In intimate love-making, it is all about enjoying a woman’s body thoroughly with many stimulation techniques. There are many things to consider before enjoying a woman’s body. For example, you should keep her feet warm to maximize the sexual feelings inside her. It is very necessary to have warm feet for enjoying the intimacy during love-making sessions. You can massage her feet and make her yours forever.

If you want to increase the intimacy then always start stimulating her outside the bedroom. You can stimulate her by doing many things. For example, play with her fingers or feed her with your hands. By feeding her with your hands, you not only start touching her in playful ways but also make her laugh with excitement. My one friend always uses this technique for seducing women. He blindfolds a woman with scarf, holds her hands and feeds her with his hand. He told me that it is the greatest way to start touching her and make her laugh with sexual excitement. You can also use this stimulation technique to create sexual excitement. As I said before, it is very essential to turn your fish into a sexual whale before enjoying intimate love-making sessions.


faith my lifeHerbert Mtowo
By Herbert Mtowo

Faith is taking a stance on something without wavering… forever. Faith is unyielding. Faith is unstoppable. Faith is unrelenting. Faith moves mountains. Faith conquers. Faith overcomes all obstacles. Faith digs its heals in and will not be moved. Faith is like concrete, the longer it stands the stronger it gets. Faith makes no sense.
I heard a quote which says, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results”. I absolutely disagree with that statement. In my opinion insanity is doing the same thing over and over then quitting before you see results.

I remember as a child being told by my mom that I couldn’t leave the table until I had all of my porridge. OK, let’s face it folks, there are some things in God’s creation that just weren’t meant to be eaten. For me, porridge was my arch-enemy as a child. And when issued the “challenge” of remaining at the breakfast table until my porridge was finished, I was ready to sit at that table until Jesus returned. As that lonely child seated at the breakfast table, I made the decision that my porridge was not going to be eaten and that was that. Nothing could be said, or done to move me once my decision had been made. Generally I was a stubborn child growing up I would not be pushed around or made to do what I didn’t want to do. Such stubbornness is required in our faith and walk with God.

Faith is stubborn. Faith in God’s Word combined with the human will is an unbeatable combination. Just think about all the amazing things man has done. All the inventions, positive causes, and achievements man has succeeded in. I’m amazed when I hear stories like that of Walt Disney, who was told that his idea of building an amusement park in Orange County CA. would never come to pass. But all it takes is one man with an unstoppable vision to build a legacy that will last forever.

Did you know that Walt Disney was turned down over 60 times for a bank loan to fund Disneyland? Earlier in his life he was fired from a newspaper because he “lacked imagination and had no good ideas”. What if Mr. Disney was easily moved by opposition? What if he allowed what others said about him and his ideas to diminish his vision?
Great men have done great things based on the human will alone. Now just imagine what you can do with God’s Word guiding you, and the Holy Spirit within you! We have within us world overcoming faith (1 John 5:4). All we have to do is apply that faith as a stubborn child who refuses to eat his vegetables.

What vision has God placed within you? What is it in life that you have a burning desire to accomplish? No matter how daunting the vision, God placed it in you for a reason. I urge you, not to leave this earth with your dream unborn. Step out in faith and refuse to be denied. Fight the good fight of faith and develop a testimony for future generations of what God can do in the lives of those who take a stand and refuse to give up.

MAN –The mystery to understand in love.

By Herbert Mtowo

Man longs to be understood.

Man longs to be understood.

Having been a Psychology lecturer for years, one of my fascinations and interests in Psychology was the Cognitive part and Behavioral Psychology and how they both help in understanding human beings, more so the depths of understanding social psychology how it forever shapes our personalities and who we are and have become today.

As a woman, are you amazing at everything except understanding male psychology? Are you able to understand all the important people in your life except when it comes to the man you’re in love with? Do you work hard on your relationship but feel like you’re getting little out of it? Well, if you can’t figure out what you’re doing wrong, maybe you just need some help understanding the ins and outs of male psychology. Over the years I have seen men evolve and become a stranger among-st the women who love them because men women aren’t schooled enough to understand this evolving creation of God and how best to relate to him.

One thing that shouldn’t be surprising is that men want excitement and mystery. For your relationship to thrive, you need to learn how to keep those elements going. After you’ve been together for a while, things can get comfortable and predictable. While that’s nice, it’s not too exciting. In fact, it can get downright boring after a while. When you’re at work; routines, organization, and hard work are admired and rewarded. Your boss likes it because he knows what to expect from you. Men hate unstable environments, everything moving, job losses, city loses, body not working good, major surgery, because of such men panic because he is now in an unstable environment. And such affect their relationships with the women who love them, but they would still try to be in control of their feelings and environments. Men eventually will struggle to do in an unstable environment.

But when you’re at home, unless there’s a little excitement and spontaneity, your man can easily lose interest. Instead of seeing you as a desirable woman, he may start to see you as somebody to cook, clean and take care of chores. If you understand the male psyche, you won’t allow that to happen. While keeping the excitement in a relationship is important, you want to couple that with an aura of mystery. This is the stuff that can drive your man crazy. And it’s easy to do.

While you don’t want to out-and-out lie to him, sometimes it’s better to leave him guessing than to tell the truth. If he really wants to know, let him draw it out of you one detail at a time. Who knows, he may even learn to like having a conversation, if you can make it fun for him. One thing that you may be unaware of is that men are not the confirmed bachelors that many of them pretend to be. They really want it all. Most men need and want to have a loving and secure relationship with a caring woman. Although they may be reluctant to admit it, emotional intimacy is very important to them. A sexual relationship is better when it’s shared with the woman they love. Men want someone to share their thoughts and feelings with. You can be that “all” for them.

But even though they want and need those things, men can be easily distracted and get involved with women who are totally the opposite. It really doesn’t make sense, does it? But what happens is that instead of searching out a woman who has the qualities that he is looking for in a woman, he settles because it’s easier.

It’s hard to resist a woman who basically throws herself at him. And when he’s young, there are lots of available women who do just that. But as a man gets older, he gets smarter and realizes that he wants more. It’s at that point that he starts looking for a woman to share his life with. Now that you understand a bit more about male psychology, here’s what you can do to attract the man of your dreams.

Aim for classic and sexy, and not cheap or uptight. Men like it when a woman dresses in a flirt, feminine way. Show off your assets but not too much of them. Keep him guessing a little. Drop a few hints now and again, but don’t tell all. Your personal life and your work life are two separate things. Keep it that way. Let your cell phone ring, especially if you’re at work or busy. Don’t drop everything to leap for the phone. Make him leave a message and get back to him later. Let him experience what it’s like to be waiting for a phone call or a text message. Be in a hurry once in a while when he calls and get off the phone quickly. Don’t give him a blow-by-blow description of your girl’s night out.

It’s slightly old-fashioned but the fact remains that it makes a man feel good to be the leader. Men love to be in charge. It makes them feel, well, manly. He’s not showing a lack of respect for you when he takes the lead in your relationship. It’s actually his way of taking care of you and showing you that he is a capable of looking after things. So don’t get upset with him or with the situation. Instead, why not take the attitude that you don’t have to be the one in control and just go along for what could be a very enjoyable ride?

Acceptance and compromise are great ways to nurture your relationship. Accept your man’s wish for control and excitement. Giving him what he needs will lead to you getting what you need too.

If you think about it, understanding the Psychology of man is not that difficult. It’s simply a matter of looking at how men think about and approach different situations, and then responding accordingly. If you respond in the right way, you are creating a secure and happy environment for both of you. A man could be having a problem or problems but all his problems aren’t about you, he needs you to compliment him and help him. Man wants a woman who completes him than compete with him, and you end up having a contest at home and the environment becomes unstable because man has competed all his life and tired of competing and the last he wants to compete with is his spouse. There is more flourishing in a relationship where there is completion than competition. No man wants to be attracted to a woman he is competing with but completing with.

Cheating is self-inflicted pain

Herbert Mtowo

Extramarital affairs and cheating in relationships is unquestionably an act capable of damaging the very foundation of your domestic life and taking away your happiness. It is the sword that cuts the hearts of two former lovers turning them into enemies living under the same roof. And statistics clearly point to cheating as the number one marriage and relationship destroyer. It’s a sobering to realize how many relationships and marriages have died at the mercilessness at its brutality.

Cheating partners are famous for the challenging and agonizing lives they led. If you are cheating on your wife or husband, no matter how you view it, your life will have you running in circles. You will lose your peace right from the inside of you. You will quickly learn that the whimsical happiness that you probably have gained outside your relationship was only temporary and will eventually elude you. It seldom lasts without end and in fact, it is most capable of growing cold just as quick as it got hot.

Agony of cheating In the first place, you will lose calm at home particularly when the other person begins to suspect you. One thing is for sure, it is impossible to cover your cheating escapades for long. The signals eventually show and it will have to come out. Marriage and deeply committed relationships are such intense unions that they touch the very soul and the spirit. Love of this nature is a union of the body, the soul and spirit.
When the breach of having an affair happens, the bond is ruined and it will soon become obvious. In the beginning, it may not display in the physical realm, but the fact is, the revelation of the truth resonates into the realm of spirit and soul. As soon as you begin to cheat on your other half, the other person will eventually sense it. This is true because, the cheater is the other half-self of the spouse or betrothed. Both people have become one by the virtue of marital consummation or very deep pledge before marriage. Consequently, there are eventually signs that manifest after any of the Individuals enters into an adulterous affair, or cheating in the case of betrothal.
To live a life of cheating in relationships is to live a miserable life. There is definitely no gain in this situation. You are assured to become an enemy to yourself if you are having an affair, and when your significant other finds out, there is a clear-cut prospect you will become their enemy also. You need to ask yourself, is it actually worth it?

Having an affair on your spouse is an indirect way of cheating yourself since both of you have already become one by the virtue of the vow and promises that you have made as a couple. Regardless of what the case might be, having an affair is not the reasonable way to deal with your life. It tears a family in two and destroys the very structure of your relationship. Cheaters in marriage end up living miserable lives and their spouses and kids can suffer unimaginable grief as well when the faithful partner eventually finds out about the affair.

To avoid a miserable and difficult life, stay away from extra marital affairs and cheating! The freedom and thrill mirage that you have from such relationships are pure trouble in disguise and will eventually culminate in disaster.

Love dynamics and compatibility

Busisiweby Herbert Mtowo

Are you compatible with your partner? Not sure if he’s the one? Are you curious to know where this relationship is going…? WITHOUT having to ask, embarrass yourself or beg for answers? Or maybe, like lots of other women, you simply HATE wasting time in a relationship that is NOT going to go all the way… and you simply want to make sure you move on until you find the ONE man who will!

In this article I’m going to share with you the real secret to finding out if you are compatible from a love standpoint… without having to waste weeks, months or even YEARS in a relationship that isn’t worth the trip… 🙂

And with a bit of luck, if you are willing to be a bit ADVENTUROUS when it comes to your heart and spirit, you’ll be able to use the exact SAME secret strategy in your next relationship as well. (Only if of course, it turns out the one you’re in is NOT the right one… 🙂 Are you curious to know more? Continue reading as we take a closer look below!

Love energy and more

Did you know that love has energy? A REAL emotional vibration that can be measured quantified and even observed by those of us sensitive enough to see it? It’s true… all emotions have a unique vibration, very similar to a fingerprint. And when you are in love, and that love is reciprocated, there is a GENUINE connection that an emotional empathy (or “love intuitive”) can see, read and discern to confirm your compatibility… or the lack thereof.

Sounds silly to you? It does to LOTS of people… 🙂 But believe it or not, this is stuff that is being studied by science, now… in MANY different domains.

Aura’s such as, once thought to be silly and new age, are now being called “subtle energies” and being studied as a central idea behind Quantum physics, with the notion being that ALL of us are made up mostly of energy… and that we VIBRATE at different frequencies depending on the emotions we feel. (this is the very SAME thing psychics have said for hundreds of years)

Did you know that people DEEPLY in love are being studied by science as well? They are finding that TRUE love has a resonance, and an electric current that can be measured… where poking and prodding ONE person in love in one room, can result in effects in the OTHER persons in love in another room. (Very cool stuff… and more evidence that our hearts and minds are LINKED, when we are in love, much more than most skeptics will admit)

When you are in love, you have a subtle energy, or an aura that vibrates at a certain frequency ONLY when the object of your affection feels the very same way. Of course you CAN be in love with a partner who doesn’t feel the same way… and having a love reading, with an authentic emotional empathy or intuitive is the very BEST way to see that, without asking, wasting time on someone who WON’T love you back… or asking and embarrassing yourself to boot!


Marriage and talks

By Herbert Mtowo

With most marriages ending in divorce, it is important to take a self inventory about who you want to get married. In my talk to several people, I have discovered that people have really wild and at times crazy ideas about why they want to get married. In this article I am just sharing the fundamentals that should motivate me and you to get married. Several movies have been done on this matter and what comes to my attention quickly is “Why did I get married?” “Why did I get married too? “am sure there are several I can mention but these two and many others try to bring out to the open some of the reasons why people get married. So to avoid much of the heartache and pain and not ask regrettably,”Why did I get married?, you can as well ask yourself now, “Why do I want to get married ?” This will go a long way in making your heart and mind sure of what you want to get into before you do so. Read this along and give me feedback
Having compatibility, trust, and communication in your relationship will build the strong foundation of companionship you need for marriage. However, if one of these factors is not present, getting married is not a good idea. Marriage between two people should only occur when all factors are present. It is never a good idea to get married for the wrong reasons. Reasons not to get married include getting married due to love at first sight, sexual attraction, to cure loneliness, as an act of rebellion, rebound love, out of obligation, pressure, pregnancy, and for financial gain. Marriages based on these reasons most likely result in divorce. While for some people, one or these reasons may seem like the best thing, but they are not. Some of these reasons are selfish and do not Love at first sight. Ah, what a feeling! You smile constantly, have butterflies in your tummy, and may feel impulsive. Impulsive enough to get married. Getting married based on love alone is the number one reason not to get married. Love at first sight can be a temporary feeling. The things you do like running off to get married while under its spell can have lasting negative effects. No foundation has been built to support the marriage. Therefore, the marriage has no backbone and will most likely end in divorce. Also, marrying from lust at first sight is a bad idea as well. Marriages based on sexual attraction do not survive. Sex is one of the several factors that keep the flames of love burning and not thee only one. It`s important to have an open mind to be able to develop strengths in every area of your relationship. It`s sad that many people are just enduring and not enjoying marriage.

Second, do you trust one another? Marriages without trust are marriages that end in divorce. Having your partner’s trust is a must have in a relationship. If the slightest doubt in either of the partners’ mind, then there is no trust. Relationships thrive on trust and cannot survive without it. Third, is there communication? Lack of communication can destroy a relationship. Communication is very important in a marriage. Married people need to communicate all the time. Talking only when times get rough or not talking at all only hurts the relationship. The lack of communication is also a leading reason for divorces. Divorcees commonly complain that the other partner never listened or avoided conversations with them. Communication is vital to the relationship. If you never communicate, how will you know if you are compatible and if you trust one another?

No one wants to be lonely, but marrying someone simply to avoid being alone the rest of your life is wrong, not only for you but for your mate as well. People fear being alone and will jump into a marriage quickly to avoid it. Chances are you will still be lonely only now you will be lonely in a marriage. These types of marriages have no foundation of companionship and usually result in unhappiness leading to divorce take in the considerations of the other partner’s feelings. Whether you are marrying as an act of rebellion or rebound, neither are a good idea. The acts are selfish. Getting married as a way to get even with someone, parents and/or ex-lover, only hurts the ones who love you and yourself. Rebelling into marriage can have a negative impact on everyone involved. Marrying someone while on the rebound is unfair to the other person. It is easier for someone on the rebound to fall in love because of the need to be loved. People on the rebound tend to marry the wrong person. They are in love with the idea of being in love and not the real person. Rebound marriages can hurt the other partner who actually may be in love with the rebounded. The rebounded can also be hurt once they realize the mistake they have made.

Lastly, marrying for financial gain is wrong. Many men and women marry for financial gain to escape their current financial situations. This is perhaps the most selfish reason to marry someone. These marriages almost always result in divorce with hurt parties on both sides. Marrying for any of the wrong reasons is a recipe for disaster. Marriage is about commitment. A serious commitment between two people should never be taken lightly. Make sure you are marrying for the right reasons and not the wrong ones. Take time to ask yourself today, ‘Why do want to get married?” Check for the signals before you commit yourself to a long boring, lifeless and tiring marriage.
Marriage is not a fancy dream. Let’s be realistic.”


Finding loveCherished Love
By Herbert Mtowo

Boaz finding Ruth is one of my favorite love stories in the history of humanity. Though many would argue with me and say that finding love is like chasing the wind and an elusive dream and believe you me I am no expert to love and in love, but the few years I have lived on planet earth have been full of countless and precious and worthy lessons on a lot of topical issues to life. Talking about the love of a lifetime many schools of thoughts and theories have been spoken of written when it comes to stumbling on the love that we all cherish and long for. But allow me to approach it from another angle as I open my heart and pour it in black and white, how that life still is the master teacher when it comes to finding true love.

The foundational scripture that I’d like to begin with is 1 John 4:19, “We love God because He FIRST LOVED us.” Do you see the significance of those words? We didn’t chase after God. No, he chased after us. He lured us into a relationship with Him. Romans 3:11 tells us that no one seeks after God without him first seeking after them. It was God who waited at the well to talk with the woman who had already lived with seven men and the man she was with wasn’t even her husband. It was God who asked the questions and then provided the answers that would bring about her deliverance and change her life. That day as she made her way to the well, she wasn’t thinking about whether she would have an encounter with God today, no, she was going to get water. But God knew in advance that she would be there and he waited. Then he wooed her with his words.

To my precious Single women friends, how often is this scenario in reverse for you. You get all doled up and go to this or that event, hoping and praying that Mr. Right will find you? I remember growing up my sister at one time confided to me if she can get just a man to give her children she would be happy because she was getting tired by the day of waiting for love, many have died and lived disappointed but hold on for a while and listen to me as you read through this article. Do you ever leave feeling disappointed, especially if you go to a Christian singles’ event and there are 50 women for every one man. The odds really aren’t in your favor.

But I want you to make a shift in your consciousness today. I want you to see the development of a true love relationship, a godly love relationship in a whole new light. I want you to see a love relationship that mimics the relationship that God had with Israel, a prophet had with a prostitute, and Jesus has with the church.

Did you know that God’s relationship with the children of Israel in the Old Testament shows the love that a man is supposed to have for his mate? Are you aware that over and over and over and over in the Bible that God pursued the children of Israel only to be rejected again and again and again? Passage after passage throughout in the Old Testament is God pleading for the children of Israel to love and follow him because He wanted to bless them. Anyone who says God isn’t patient or merciful hasn’t read the Bible. He never gave up; he still hasn’t. These were his people and He loved them despite their bad behavior. All he ever wanted was for them to return and embrace his love.

In fact, he also used the story of Hosea to further depict his love and faithfulness to his people. God put an unconditional love in Hosea’s heart for a prostitute, Gomer and told him to marry her. In Hosea 3:1, God told Hosea, “Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites.” Hosea took Gomer to his home and gave her everything he had. He was crazy over her. But her old ways and life would lure her back into the streets and the arms of other men. Yet, that did not stop Hosea from finding his woman and bringing her back home. That’s how much he loved her.

Did you know that the relationship between Jesus and the church is our model for marriage? The Bible says that “we” are the bride of Christ. In Mark 2:20 Jesus refers to himself as the bridegroom. And because of his love for us, he stepped off his throne in heaven, lived on earth for about 30 years where he was ridiculed and rejected, and then died violently on a cross to restore our relationship back to God so that we could live eternally with Him. Revelations 19:7-9 and 21:1-2 tells about the last wedding that will take place. We are told that at the second coming of Christ, the official wedding ceremony will begin and the eternal union of Christ and his bride (us) will become a reality.

Well as I continued to prepare my writing of this article the Lord spoke to my spirit and said, that if a man is not as crazy and devoted to you as Christ is to the church and God was to the Children of Israel, he is not your bridegroom but a hireling, a fake. Wow! We loved God because HE first loved us. Ladies you are to love the man in our life because “he” first loved you, not because you manipulated, coerced, seduced, or even threatened him in marrying you. As women, you are to be receivers, not chasers. God created the man to choose, to pursue, and to love you and not the other way around. Ephesians 5:25 tells men to love their wives as Christ loved the church. But unfortunately, a role reversal has taken place and women have begun to aggressively chase after men and use any and all means to get them. Ladies, you may get a man, but he won’t be your bridegroom! When God does the choosing he will send him correct and He will put a love in his heart for you that will last longer than a flicker in the night.

I have personally known of men who waited for a woman for YEARS because they knew that woman was the one God had for them; they had eyes for no other. It didn’t matter how cute someone else was, their hearts were taken. Often times the women couldn’t see it. They just weren’t interested at all, but God began to do a work in their heart as well and these marriages are just as strong today as they were years ago.

I know I’m going to sound a bit out there now, but I’m going to say it anyway. Ladies, if the man in your life is not crazy about you, can’t stop thinking about you, doesn’t nurture and cherish you, doesn’t love buying you little things to see you smile, and if that man in your life wouldn’t die for you, he’s not your bridegroom. He is a fake and he’ll never love you like a true groom would. Now you can settle for him just to have somebody and not be alone, but just be clear what you’re doing. However, if you want God’s best, then wait for God to bring him to the well of your heart. Let him ask you for a drink of water but all along his true intentions are to water you with his love, to woo you, and to take you as his own.

Now married to women, your man may have started out thinking you were the cream in his coffee but because of the little foxes that were swept under the rug and not exposed and dealt with, a wall may have surfaced between you. It’s time to cleansing your relationship from everything that stands between you and your man and get those sparks flying again. So don’t despair, just start doing that mental and spiritual cleaning that is blocking the love between you from flowing freely. However, if you settled for a hireling, you may have to work harder to cultivate love and passion in your relationship, but with God all things are possible.

Now to all the men, I told you that you can glean from this article as well because if the woman in your life doesn’t make you a little “coo coo,” when you think about her then she probably isn’t the one either. I believe that when God presents that woman in your life you will eat, breath, dream, and sleep her. You won’t be able to get her out of your mind. It’s like thoughts about her will haunt you, in a good way of course. And yes, you would give her your all, up to the point of your own life. Your love for her will represent the love that Jesus has for the church and God for his people.

Therefore, single women if you are in a relationship and with a man, in which, you are always questioning whether he loves you, you don’t know his intentions, and you are carrying the bulk of relationship, run away, don’t walk. This man is “just not that into you.” Your bridegroom and your Boaz won’t have any problem showing you and telling you how he feels.

Lastly, be patient and as you learned in life`s lessons, learn to have a relationship with yourself and be fun, confident, and a joy to be around. Then one day when you least expect it, he’ll be right there waiting for you and you thought you were just going to buy some lettuce.

The beauty of understanding Love

Are you unable to express your love? You cannot find the languages of love? Are you trying hard to get it but you can’t? Don’t worry. The solutions are very simple. It is true that everybody cannot express their love to their partner easily. But, there are different languages of love. These languages are not same like English, Zulu, Oshiwambo, Spanish, and Otjiherero etc. These languages are quite different. I am sure you and me have heard that communication happens via one or more of three ways which are namely:

1. Visual – this refers to what we see and how we present ourselves
2. Auditory – this refers to what we hear and say
3. Kin aesthetic – this refers to what we feel and/or do

The way we experience love is via exactly the same channels: Visual – what I see in my relationship with you, Auditory – what I hear you say in my conversations with you and Kin aesthetic – what I feel when you touch me or when you do things for me.

And just as a piece of communication may be changed, depending on our previous life experience, so too will the perception of the other in the relationship. Many people have read the famous book by Gary Chapman, but there are still new people discovering it all the time. Over five million copies of the popular book have been sold, as it is consistently a New York Times bestseller. Many couples read the book in premarital counselling, and other couples read it after getting married. Chapman teaches that understanding your spouse’s love language is one of the keys to a successful relationship and marriage. Many feel wounded when their primary love language is not addressed or met. It is each individual`s responsibility to understand their partner`s love language and be able to meet that love language. So many people in love whether in relationships as courtship or marriage are running on an empty tank for a couple of years, because their love languages the primary ones aren’t full and ministered to by their partners.

Speaking to Busisiwe about the languages of love has been greatly fascinating and astonishing indeed, there is a woman who shares and opens her heart. What a fine woman she is an example to many and greatly cherished when it comes to opening up on such issues. She speaks about them passionately and how precious they are to her and her husband so this article is birthed out of my talking to her, interactions with many people in love married or in courtship, the languages of love I have realized still remain the same in any culture and geographical location.

What I missed out as a child is what I crave most now. We all know that there are two factors involved in creating who I am as a person. One pertains to “nature”; some quality that is already present at my birth and may in part be genetically inherited. The other pertains to “nurture”; the quality of the physical environment in which I was raised including how my parents and others cared for me. And while the debate still continues about which is most critical my belief is that both are equally so. To those who are not familiar with the languages of love, let me just run through them briefly. They are

Words of affirmation:

Some people like to receive words of affirmation or praise. People who want to hear praise need to hear they are great and special. Actions don’t speak louder than words in their minds. They are also especially sensitive to criticism, so you need to be careful how you criticize someone who has this love language as their primary one.

Quality time

It is when one gives their partner undivided attention; you and me must understand and accept that some people just need to spend time with others! People who have this love language need your undivided attention. They expect to have their spouse’s attention regularly. Quality time does not have to be anything special, but it does need to be dedicated time with your spouse. You need to be willing to turn off the TV and the computer to spend time with your wife! Quality time does not mean doing chores together either! When you spend quality time together, you talk about your day and pay attention to your mate.

Acts of service

Acts of service is the languages of love; some people like to be served! They love it when you clean their car for them, make dinner for them, and do their chores for them. Think about how your mate expresses their love for you. If your mate is always serving you and doing things for you, then acts of service is one of their main love languages. Mates who seem to be lazy and don’t do any work around the house will not be attractive to someone who loves acts of service. So just because my language of love is such as, to hear words of endearment, my partner may have a whole different love language, such as, his might be to have things done for him, such as the preparation of a nice meal, as he did not receive that as a child.


Spouses that like receiving gifts love when they receive random gifts all the time. It really speaks to their heart when they receive a love note from you. Women who have the receiving gifts love language want you to show up at home with chocolate or other random food. You should never forget an anniversary or other special occasion.

The physical touch:

Some people love to be touched. You can express your love for your mate through holding hands, touching each other on the arm, hugs, and other touchy freely actions! Mates that want to be touched also expect you to be around to be touched. It is especially difficult for spouses who like physical touch to be away from their mate for an extended period. This is the most important language of love. If you are in the relationship then it is incomplete without a physical touch. This is the easiest way to express your love. A simple physical touch can bring some extra feelings to your partner which is just like heaven. A simple handshake might be a great in but may not be enough in of a relationship. This is the most primary form of love language. It comes to people automatically. There is no need of training for it.

Additionally I might have several love languages so I might be regarded as bi-lingual or even multi-lingual. The different languages of love are for everyone but, unfortunately everybody cannot opt for all of these. If your love is strong then anyone from these can be great for you. You do not need all five that time. The main goal of the languages of love is making a strong relationship between you and your partner. It can be done anyway.