Is it honor or shame love or war?

Herbert Mtowo

Honor and change are in the life of humanity but one has to realize booth of them when they have come and walk in their fullness thereof. Such is the world of humanity that many have missed such. But this I have realized and noticed among-st people, the refusal to give honor and accept change when needed, as in regards to Gender based Violence against women and children, though no statistics’ states that there is a growing number of men suffering in silence also. Many choose to stay in abusive relationships because they have been lied to that walking away will bring shame, but what shame is it when one is already going through it while faking honor of marriage and love.
Sad in my opinion governments and politicians, those legally empowered to deal with such aren’t doing enough or more to curb this evil. The pit of relationship hell must be domestic violence as it corrodes both your emotional and physical strength. Your body hurts but so do your emotions and your heart. You feel violated physically and emotionally but fear, unworthiness and a glimmer of optimism battle for a place in your life. And this conflicting well of emotions is what mobilizes you? So what can you do to escape domestic violence? How do you find the courage to leave?

Be real! To find the courage to escape domestic violence you must take an honest look at your relationship and the emotions that it evokes.

You have that nagging feeling that your partner will change and because they act extra nice after the violence you hang your confused emotions on this. But you have been here before and they have not changed. Why do you think that they will change now? What is your confidence based on? Your abusive partner’s word? Has your abusive partner kept their word not to abuse you before? So why is today’s promise from them any different? To get the courage to leave you must be honest with yourself and realize that your partner will not change and if you do not leave this domestic violence will kill you emotionally and maybe physically.

Maybe you are afraid that your abusive spouse will get so angry if you leave that they will become even more abusive than usual. They have trained you well with their violence so that you are now planned to avoid making them angry. You will do anything not to make them angry. But again you have been here before; have all your efforts not to make them angry worked? Has all the walking on eggshells and fawning over them worked at stopping their violence toward you? Do you not realize that you cannot keep the peace with them as they are on the war path just waiting to pounce on you at the slightest hint of imagined wrong? Your fear of more abuse just keeps you in a place to get even more violence.

When your spouse was first violent toward you, you felt incredible shame and so you hid this horrendous thing from your family and friends. And this was your first mistake because in a sick and perverted way it bound you to your abusive spouse as you now shared this incredibly horrible secret. You are ashamed that the person who is supposed to love you most in the world is raining such pain on you. You need to know that hiding shame does cut it and it in fact magnifies it in your life and makes the prison that you built for yourself from it even stronger. To get the courage to escape from domestic violence you need to let someone you trust and who cares for you and who can lend you their support know what it is that you are facing in your marriage.

An offshoot of domestic violence is a deep feeling of worthlessness. You feel like somehow you don’t deserve to be treated better by your spouse. This is due to what your partner says when they abuse you as well as the shame you feel. To escape domestic violence you need to remember how you felt about yourself before the abuse started or to imagine how it would feel if you didn’t have this cloud of violent abuse hanging over your life every single day of your life.

To escape domestic violence one must find the courage to leave their abusive spouse. And to find this courage one must counter the lies and flawed attitudes that they now have so that they can draw strength from the truth. Poverty is one of the reasons why women stay in abusive relationships and sad that most empowerment programs in Africa favor the men most and women become marginalized and can’t access the resources that would allow them to be able to make decisions not based on need and dependency but from a place or reality and strength.

Get you honor and walk away from any forms of abuse in a relationship, many have struggled to recover even though the physical scars have healed but the emotional damage has taken them a lifetime to walk tall and confidently again. Shame is keeping the abuse all in the name of feeling honored by society and culture, Honor is standing tall and refusing to be silent no more about abuse, whether you being the victim or someone else.
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Resolving conflicts in relationships

Children dealing with issues

Have you ever heard the Gretchen Wilson song “The Bed”? It talks about a woman lying in bed crying, just wishing that her husband would reach out to her, “if he’d just reach out she’d forget about all the times that he let her down, Oh but in his mind everything’s all right when the lights go out,” the lyrics go. When he finally does lean over in bed to say I love you, “… all he finds are pages full of words she’d never said.”

Remember if you don’t communicate your feelings and your spouse isn’t getting a proper read on your body language, you’ve got to just come out and say what you’re feeling and what is on your mind. One thing that has helped my wife and I with communicating about issues and distress is to agree on certain rules about arguments (or discussions). Top 5 rules to agree upon for conflict resolution with your spouse:

Make an agreement to not bring up past problems that have already been resolved; this is not necessary and just adds more problems during conflict resolution. The last thing you need when you are down is to be reminded that you forgot to take out the trash last week, especially when you are discussing what is bothering you now. You should-be talked about the trash last week, not now.

Try to resolve the issue on the day that the issue occurs, not months down the road, so that everything is fresh in your mind and not trying to rebuild the scenario over again because you’ve stewed about it for a month and have allowed your mind to exaggerate the issue. Ephesians 4:26 states, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

Give each other time to speak, take turns talking, and do not interrupt. Try to stay on subject and allow the other to respond before changing the subject. Don’t keep repeating yourself. State the facts and talk about what is truly bothering you, then allow your spouse to respond and listen. Think about what you are going to say before you say it, it helps if you listen fully to what your spouse has said, let it sink in before saying something rash that you’ll regret. “A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction (Proverbs 16:23)”

Once all the facts are out there and your spouse knows how you are feeling and has been given a few minutes to respond, take time to ponder how the other person feels without talking and try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Seriously contemplate this without any distractions if you can; this also allows you to cool down a bit, which many times has opened up my eyes and my spouses eyes to the other person’s point-of-view. Try to move on to step 5 before you go to bed that night; this is important, as without the last step this problem is not truly resolved and you will have a hard time following rule 1 and this issue will come up again if not fester and burn you up inside.

Apologize, forgive, and forget (don’t bring it up again; see rule 1). You’ve just spent some time contemplating what was done, what you did, and what your spouse did. Where could you have done better, accept that, apologize, and try to change that aspect in your life (if you can). Accept the apology from your spouse and truly work in your heart and soul to forgive them.

If both you and your spouse agree to follow these guidelines, your arguments will be fewer and will be resolved much easier.

Foundations to Building a Strong Marriage

Don’t let menial things destroy your marriage. You need to build your marriage on a proper foundation. Before you build a house, you have to lay the foundation. The same is true for a marriage as well. What is this foundation I’m talking about, read these 5 foundations of a healthy marriage to help prevent you from being a statistic.

1) Have realistic expectations:

You can’t just say, “I do” and expect magic to happen; you’ve got to have realistic expectations. Don’t go into a marriage expecting to change the person or thinking that the person will change, because that is the person you are marrying and they’re NOT going to change. You know who you’re marrying now, don’t be upset if they’re still the same person 5 years from now. The marriage ceremony will not make your marriage better; a grandiose wedding ceremony does not equate to a better marriage. I’ve known people who spent hundred’s of thousands of dollars and were divorced within 9 months; they couldn’t even make it a year, so believe me a wedding ceremony doesn’t make a better marriage. Think about what marriage is to you, ask your partner what they think marriage is. Talk about your notions and expectations before you decide to marry one another. Are your expectations realistic? Before things get too heated, read the next item.

2) Communication and Intimacy:

I’ve heard the statement “God, gave you 2 ears and 1 mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you speak.” There is many truth to that, think about it, if you listened and truly listened to your spouse, how much more in-tune do you think you’d be to his/her emotions. Listening also gives you a chance to receive the true message that your partner is trying to convey; all too often the message is lost during transmission and we jump to conclusions before we’ve even finished processing the information. Listening doesn’t involve just your ears either. How many times have you asked someone, “What’s wrong,” only to get a, “nothing” in response? If you only heard the word, “nothing” then you probably just said, “Okay,” and walked away. This may have worked when you were dating, but not-so-much now. There’s more to communication than just listening, if you’ve ever taken any sort of public speaking or communication classes then you may have heard of the 7-38-55% rule, where the words we say account for 7% of the message we are trying to convey, tone of voice accounts for 38%, and our gestures and actions actually make up over half of the message. Go back to the situation where you ask your husband or wife, “What’s wrong,” they say nothing. Look at their body cues and posture and their facial expressions; body-language is a huge part of communication.

I know this next part is probably not really thought of as communication, but we’ve just discussed that communication is 55% of body language, so I think that sex is a huge part of communication. How long would your marriage last if you and your spouse didn’t talk for 1 month, or 3 months? On the same note, how long do you think it will last if you don’t have sex for 1 month, 3 months, or even 9 months or more? No, you’re right, but a lot of people who I know who try to make a marriage work without having sex with each other for months at a time, even years. It’s no wonder things end disastrously. Men and women both need this sexual contact and intimacy with one another, so don’t doom your relationship by turning down sex every night (especially out of anger or a fight), but there are times when you should agree to not have sex. It should be something that both partners want when having it, but every once in a while you’ve got to take one for the team and have sex, that is if you want your marriage to work. I’ve heard the excuse, we just don’t have time, but I tell you that you need to make time, try to set up a date with each other for at least one night a week where you can spend this intimate time together and strengthen your lines of communication. Part of communication is listening and being in-tune with your partners needs and desires not just talking.

3) Congruent Belief-System or Moral Standards:

I’m not saying that you both have to be Catholic, or whatever belief system you may be, but a lot of times problems start in the marriage when you have two different sets of belief systems. Especially when children are brought into the mix and one person wants to take part in certain rituals and rites that the other person may not hold dear. Here you have to really weigh why you want your child to go through a certain ceremony, or why not. If you aren’t married and don’t have kids, now would be a good time to talk about your expectations in these matters.

Another important aspect of congruent belief-system is does your partner have the same idea about what marriage is, what about relationships outside of marriage? If you go into a marriage with a skewed idea of marriage and don’t have the same moral standards when it comes to sexual relationships outside of marriage what will prevent this person from doing so. If you know where your partner stands on these certain issues then it shouldn’t become a problem down the road. Remember, you can’t change your partner, nor should you expect your partner to change after you are married. If your partner is an Atheist and you’re a Protestant, don’t expect your partner to all of a sudden start going to church with you, or quit going to church if you’re the Atheist. You know who you’re marrying this falls back on number 1 (don’t expect your partner to change), so you should talk about where you stand on certain issues so that they shouldn’t be a problem in the future; go through major components of your beliefs and moral code and discuss: marriage, sex, children, and anything that you think of that could be a problem. If your partner can’t change that aspect of their life or come to some sort of compromise or there aren’t any alternatives, and you’re already married you will have adapt and overcome. If you’re not married and no compromises can be met, maybe you should think about what type of toll this could put on your relationship in the future if this situation were to arise (remember you know your partner now, they will not change after you are married); you’re not breaking God’s covenant if you decide not to get married, it’s better to back out before and be judged by people, then to back out after and be judged by God.

4) Unity:

When two people become married, they should now act as 1. In Genesis, the bible speaks of 2 people leaving their parents, it uses the word cleave, which is to cut off. This means cut-off the ties and the reigns your parents had, as you are now your own family and are responsible only to each other and God. I’m not saying avoid your parents completely, but they shouldn’t have any sort of rules over you and your spouse, and when you have problems, you should not seek them for comfort as this has many times turned one spouse against another; if you need to seek some help, find a pastor or counselor.

5) Self-Sacrifice and Submission:

Now that you are a married couple you must quit putting yourself first and put your husband/wife first. You must submit to each other; no that doesn’t mean to become their slave, but going back to communication, which is probably one of the most important aspects of making a marriage work, you must be in-tune with your partners needs and be willing to work with them and compromise toward satisfying each other. Not everything needs to be a compromise or a negotiation, but if you’ve ever taken communication classes or management classes you may have talked about negotiating; you are looking for the win-win situations in everything that you absolutely must “negotiate,” but every once in a while you will have to take one for the team or compromise. That’s what you are now as a married couple, a team. I don’t know any teams that want to lose… I hope you aren’t setting your team up for failure.

Please feel free to comment and add some value to the conversation.
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Be the Keeper of the Sexual Flame

making love is an art and skill to be learned

By Marry Lengley

A woman is like a flame which keeps man passionate. She glows softly when you do intimate love-making with her. She burns brightly when you do wild love-making her. Her body is like a sexual flame which ignites passion in every man. In addition, each expression on her face speaks thousands of words. Believe it or not, experts and artists are still finding the mysteries of a woman. According to them, if you want to be the keeper of the sexual flame then you have to learn that how to keep the flame alive. Experts believe that there is not any technique which can help you in winning the heart of women because every woman is different. However, if you want to win the heart of a woman and make her worship you then you have to learn the distance between two points.

A woman is like the distance between two points. One point is extreme emotional and another point is extreme sexual. Your success depends on the length of the line. If you are dominating the lengthy line then it means that you are holding your woman well, emotionally and sexually, and enjoying intimate life. Actually, I am telling you all these things because I do not want to teach you that how to catch small fishes. I want to tell you that how to turn your small fish into a sexual whale and dominate the oceans, which are filled with billions of small fishes.

HOW TO DO INTIMATE LOVE MAKING? (Turn Your Fish into a Sexual Whale)

Before doing intimate love-making, it is very essential to connect with her heart and nature. Intimacy generates when you connect with her heart and unlock the sexual desires of a woman. Remember, we are not here to talk about quickies. We are here to enjoy the intimacy with our women for hours. So, how can you connect with your woman and unlock her sexual side? Well, it is very simple. Just turn her into a playful girl with secret stimulation techniques.

There are some secret stimulation techniques that intensify the senses of women without getting physical. First of all, I am going to tell you that how to create an intimate environment with some stimulation techniques and turn her into a playful girl. Before turning her into a playful girl, it is fundamental to create intimate environment. Perhaps, you have never noticed the power of your environment, but now you have to use this power properly.
Silk sheets always intensify the sensations in intimate love-making sessions. Use silk sheets often for increasing intimacy. Also, scented candles are better than electric lights. Candle lights are very soothing and magical for girls. That’s why; they love to go for candle light dinners with their men. It appeals women and bring erotic emotions inside them. If you want to create dynamic environment then you should use the power of yellow candle lights. She not only feels exotic but also achieves greatest pleasure with you while doing romance in yellow candle lights. Yellow color stimulates her naughty desires and turns your average romance into x-rated romance.
In intimate love-making session, you do everything very smoothly with erotic stimulation techniques. Relax her as much as you can and slow down your moves. When you slow down your movements and keep the environment soothing, you automatically generate anticipation. The beauty of anticipation is that it keeps the flame burning to meet maximum sexual pleasure. Anticipation escalates intimacy in the environment and stimulates woman’s sexuality. A woman keeps on feeling sexual sensation when you generate anticipation.

As you have noticed, every little detail matters for creating intimacy. Also, you have to use some stimulation techniques to bring eroticism in the environment. For women, a man who keeps the eroticism alive is extremely sexual. These above tips not only connect you with her emotionally but also seduce her mind in a magical way. Remember, you can never do intimate love-making with a woman if you do not connect her emotions with you.

STIMULATION TECHNIQUES

In intimate love-making, it is all about enjoying a woman’s body thoroughly with many stimulation techniques. There are many things to consider before enjoying a woman’s body. For example, you should keep her feet warm to maximize the sexual feelings inside her. It is very necessary to have warm feet for enjoying the intimacy during love-making sessions. You can massage her feet and make her yours forever.

If you want to increase the intimacy then always start stimulating her outside the bedroom. You can stimulate her by doing many things. For example, play with her fingers or feed her with your hands. By feeding her with your hands, you not only start touching her in playful ways but also make her laugh with excitement. My one friend always uses this technique for seducing women. He blindfolds a woman with scarf, holds her hands and feeds her with his hand. He told me that it is the greatest way to start touching her and make her laugh with sexual excitement. You can also use this stimulation technique to create sexual excitement. As I said before, it is very essential to turn your fish into a sexual whale before enjoying intimate love-making sessions.

MAN –The mystery to understand in love.

By Herbert Mtowo

Man longs to be understood.

Man longs to be understood.


Having been a Psychology lecturer for years, one of my fascinations and interests in Psychology was the Cognitive part and Behavioral Psychology and how they both help in understanding human beings, more so the depths of understanding social psychology how it forever shapes our personalities and who we are and have become today.

As a woman, are you amazing at everything except understanding male psychology? Are you able to understand all the important people in your life except when it comes to the man you’re in love with? Do you work hard on your relationship but feel like you’re getting little out of it? Well, if you can’t figure out what you’re doing wrong, maybe you just need some help understanding the ins and outs of male psychology. Over the years I have seen men evolve and become a stranger among-st the women who love them because men women aren’t schooled enough to understand this evolving creation of God and how best to relate to him.

One thing that shouldn’t be surprising is that men want excitement and mystery. For your relationship to thrive, you need to learn how to keep those elements going. After you’ve been together for a while, things can get comfortable and predictable. While that’s nice, it’s not too exciting. In fact, it can get downright boring after a while. When you’re at work; routines, organization, and hard work are admired and rewarded. Your boss likes it because he knows what to expect from you. Men hate unstable environments, everything moving, job losses, city loses, body not working good, major surgery, because of such men panic because he is now in an unstable environment. And such affect their relationships with the women who love them, but they would still try to be in control of their feelings and environments. Men eventually will struggle to do in an unstable environment.

But when you’re at home, unless there’s a little excitement and spontaneity, your man can easily lose interest. Instead of seeing you as a desirable woman, he may start to see you as somebody to cook, clean and take care of chores. If you understand the male psyche, you won’t allow that to happen. While keeping the excitement in a relationship is important, you want to couple that with an aura of mystery. This is the stuff that can drive your man crazy. And it’s easy to do.

While you don’t want to out-and-out lie to him, sometimes it’s better to leave him guessing than to tell the truth. If he really wants to know, let him draw it out of you one detail at a time. Who knows, he may even learn to like having a conversation, if you can make it fun for him. One thing that you may be unaware of is that men are not the confirmed bachelors that many of them pretend to be. They really want it all. Most men need and want to have a loving and secure relationship with a caring woman. Although they may be reluctant to admit it, emotional intimacy is very important to them. A sexual relationship is better when it’s shared with the woman they love. Men want someone to share their thoughts and feelings with. You can be that “all” for them.

But even though they want and need those things, men can be easily distracted and get involved with women who are totally the opposite. It really doesn’t make sense, does it? But what happens is that instead of searching out a woman who has the qualities that he is looking for in a woman, he settles because it’s easier.

It’s hard to resist a woman who basically throws herself at him. And when he’s young, there are lots of available women who do just that. But as a man gets older, he gets smarter and realizes that he wants more. It’s at that point that he starts looking for a woman to share his life with. Now that you understand a bit more about male psychology, here’s what you can do to attract the man of your dreams.

Aim for classic and sexy, and not cheap or uptight. Men like it when a woman dresses in a flirt, feminine way. Show off your assets but not too much of them. Keep him guessing a little. Drop a few hints now and again, but don’t tell all. Your personal life and your work life are two separate things. Keep it that way. Let your cell phone ring, especially if you’re at work or busy. Don’t drop everything to leap for the phone. Make him leave a message and get back to him later. Let him experience what it’s like to be waiting for a phone call or a text message. Be in a hurry once in a while when he calls and get off the phone quickly. Don’t give him a blow-by-blow description of your girl’s night out.

It’s slightly old-fashioned but the fact remains that it makes a man feel good to be the leader. Men love to be in charge. It makes them feel, well, manly. He’s not showing a lack of respect for you when he takes the lead in your relationship. It’s actually his way of taking care of you and showing you that he is a capable of looking after things. So don’t get upset with him or with the situation. Instead, why not take the attitude that you don’t have to be the one in control and just go along for what could be a very enjoyable ride?

Acceptance and compromise are great ways to nurture your relationship. Accept your man’s wish for control and excitement. Giving him what he needs will lead to you getting what you need too.

If you think about it, understanding the Psychology of man is not that difficult. It’s simply a matter of looking at how men think about and approach different situations, and then responding accordingly. If you respond in the right way, you are creating a secure and happy environment for both of you. A man could be having a problem or problems but all his problems aren’t about you, he needs you to compliment him and help him. Man wants a woman who completes him than compete with him, and you end up having a contest at home and the environment becomes unstable because man has competed all his life and tired of competing and the last he wants to compete with is his spouse. There is more flourishing in a relationship where there is completion than competition. No man wants to be attracted to a woman he is competing with but completing with.

Cheating is self-inflicted pain

Herbert Mtowo

Extramarital affairs and cheating in relationships is unquestionably an act capable of damaging the very foundation of your domestic life and taking away your happiness. It is the sword that cuts the hearts of two former lovers turning them into enemies living under the same roof. And statistics clearly point to cheating as the number one marriage and relationship destroyer. It’s a sobering to realize how many relationships and marriages have died at the mercilessness at its brutality.

Cheating partners are famous for the challenging and agonizing lives they led. If you are cheating on your wife or husband, no matter how you view it, your life will have you running in circles. You will lose your peace right from the inside of you. You will quickly learn that the whimsical happiness that you probably have gained outside your relationship was only temporary and will eventually elude you. It seldom lasts without end and in fact, it is most capable of growing cold just as quick as it got hot.

Agony of cheating In the first place, you will lose calm at home particularly when the other person begins to suspect you. One thing is for sure, it is impossible to cover your cheating escapades for long. The signals eventually show and it will have to come out. Marriage and deeply committed relationships are such intense unions that they touch the very soul and the spirit. Love of this nature is a union of the body, the soul and spirit.
When the breach of having an affair happens, the bond is ruined and it will soon become obvious. In the beginning, it may not display in the physical realm, but the fact is, the revelation of the truth resonates into the realm of spirit and soul. As soon as you begin to cheat on your other half, the other person will eventually sense it. This is true because, the cheater is the other half-self of the spouse or betrothed. Both people have become one by the virtue of marital consummation or very deep pledge before marriage. Consequently, there are eventually signs that manifest after any of the Individuals enters into an adulterous affair, or cheating in the case of betrothal.
To live a life of cheating in relationships is to live a miserable life. There is definitely no gain in this situation. You are assured to become an enemy to yourself if you are having an affair, and when your significant other finds out, there is a clear-cut prospect you will become their enemy also. You need to ask yourself, is it actually worth it?

Having an affair on your spouse is an indirect way of cheating yourself since both of you have already become one by the virtue of the vow and promises that you have made as a couple. Regardless of what the case might be, having an affair is not the reasonable way to deal with your life. It tears a family in two and destroys the very structure of your relationship. Cheaters in marriage end up living miserable lives and their spouses and kids can suffer unimaginable grief as well when the faithful partner eventually finds out about the affair.

To avoid a miserable and difficult life, stay away from extra marital affairs and cheating! The freedom and thrill mirage that you have from such relationships are pure trouble in disguise and will eventually culminate in disaster.

Love dynamics and compatibility

Busisiweby Herbert Mtowo

Are you compatible with your partner? Not sure if he’s the one? Are you curious to know where this relationship is going…? WITHOUT having to ask, embarrass yourself or beg for answers? Or maybe, like lots of other women, you simply HATE wasting time in a relationship that is NOT going to go all the way… and you simply want to make sure you move on until you find the ONE man who will!

In this article I’m going to share with you the real secret to finding out if you are compatible from a love standpoint… without having to waste weeks, months or even YEARS in a relationship that isn’t worth the trip… 🙂

And with a bit of luck, if you are willing to be a bit ADVENTUROUS when it comes to your heart and spirit, you’ll be able to use the exact SAME secret strategy in your next relationship as well. (Only if of course, it turns out the one you’re in is NOT the right one… 🙂 Are you curious to know more? Continue reading as we take a closer look below!

Love energy and more

Did you know that love has energy? A REAL emotional vibration that can be measured quantified and even observed by those of us sensitive enough to see it? It’s true… all emotions have a unique vibration, very similar to a fingerprint. And when you are in love, and that love is reciprocated, there is a GENUINE connection that an emotional empathy (or “love intuitive”) can see, read and discern to confirm your compatibility… or the lack thereof.

Sounds silly to you? It does to LOTS of people… 🙂 But believe it or not, this is stuff that is being studied by science, now… in MANY different domains.

Aura’s such as, once thought to be silly and new age, are now being called “subtle energies” and being studied as a central idea behind Quantum physics, with the notion being that ALL of us are made up mostly of energy… and that we VIBRATE at different frequencies depending on the emotions we feel. (this is the very SAME thing psychics have said for hundreds of years)

Did you know that people DEEPLY in love are being studied by science as well? They are finding that TRUE love has a resonance, and an electric current that can be measured… where poking and prodding ONE person in love in one room, can result in effects in the OTHER persons in love in another room. (Very cool stuff… and more evidence that our hearts and minds are LINKED, when we are in love, much more than most skeptics will admit)

When you are in love, you have a subtle energy, or an aura that vibrates at a certain frequency ONLY when the object of your affection feels the very same way. Of course you CAN be in love with a partner who doesn’t feel the same way… and having a love reading, with an authentic emotional empathy or intuitive is the very BEST way to see that, without asking, wasting time on someone who WON’T love you back… or asking and embarrassing yourself to boot!

DIFFERENT REASONS THAT ARE MOTIVATING PEOPLE TO MARRY.

Marriage and talks

By Herbert Mtowo

With most marriages ending in divorce, it is important to take a self inventory about who you want to get married. In my talk to several people, I have discovered that people have really wild and at times crazy ideas about why they want to get married. In this article I am just sharing the fundamentals that should motivate me and you to get married. Several movies have been done on this matter and what comes to my attention quickly is “Why did I get married?” “Why did I get married too? “am sure there are several I can mention but these two and many others try to bring out to the open some of the reasons why people get married. So to avoid much of the heartache and pain and not ask regrettably,”Why did I get married?, you can as well ask yourself now, “Why do I want to get married ?” This will go a long way in making your heart and mind sure of what you want to get into before you do so. Read this along and give me feedback
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Having compatibility, trust, and communication in your relationship will build the strong foundation of companionship you need for marriage. However, if one of these factors is not present, getting married is not a good idea. Marriage between two people should only occur when all factors are present. It is never a good idea to get married for the wrong reasons. Reasons not to get married include getting married due to love at first sight, sexual attraction, to cure loneliness, as an act of rebellion, rebound love, out of obligation, pressure, pregnancy, and for financial gain. Marriages based on these reasons most likely result in divorce. While for some people, one or these reasons may seem like the best thing, but they are not. Some of these reasons are selfish and do not Love at first sight. Ah, what a feeling! You smile constantly, have butterflies in your tummy, and may feel impulsive. Impulsive enough to get married. Getting married based on love alone is the number one reason not to get married. Love at first sight can be a temporary feeling. The things you do like running off to get married while under its spell can have lasting negative effects. No foundation has been built to support the marriage. Therefore, the marriage has no backbone and will most likely end in divorce. Also, marrying from lust at first sight is a bad idea as well. Marriages based on sexual attraction do not survive. Sex is one of the several factors that keep the flames of love burning and not thee only one. It`s important to have an open mind to be able to develop strengths in every area of your relationship. It`s sad that many people are just enduring and not enjoying marriage.

Second, do you trust one another? Marriages without trust are marriages that end in divorce. Having your partner’s trust is a must have in a relationship. If the slightest doubt in either of the partners’ mind, then there is no trust. Relationships thrive on trust and cannot survive without it. Third, is there communication? Lack of communication can destroy a relationship. Communication is very important in a marriage. Married people need to communicate all the time. Talking only when times get rough or not talking at all only hurts the relationship. The lack of communication is also a leading reason for divorces. Divorcees commonly complain that the other partner never listened or avoided conversations with them. Communication is vital to the relationship. If you never communicate, how will you know if you are compatible and if you trust one another?

No one wants to be lonely, but marrying someone simply to avoid being alone the rest of your life is wrong, not only for you but for your mate as well. People fear being alone and will jump into a marriage quickly to avoid it. Chances are you will still be lonely only now you will be lonely in a marriage. These types of marriages have no foundation of companionship and usually result in unhappiness leading to divorce take in the considerations of the other partner’s feelings. Whether you are marrying as an act of rebellion or rebound, neither are a good idea. The acts are selfish. Getting married as a way to get even with someone, parents and/or ex-lover, only hurts the ones who love you and yourself. Rebelling into marriage can have a negative impact on everyone involved. Marrying someone while on the rebound is unfair to the other person. It is easier for someone on the rebound to fall in love because of the need to be loved. People on the rebound tend to marry the wrong person. They are in love with the idea of being in love and not the real person. Rebound marriages can hurt the other partner who actually may be in love with the rebounded. The rebounded can also be hurt once they realize the mistake they have made.

Lastly, marrying for financial gain is wrong. Many men and women marry for financial gain to escape their current financial situations. This is perhaps the most selfish reason to marry someone. These marriages almost always result in divorce with hurt parties on both sides. Marrying for any of the wrong reasons is a recipe for disaster. Marriage is about commitment. A serious commitment between two people should never be taken lightly. Make sure you are marrying for the right reasons and not the wrong ones. Take time to ask yourself today, ‘Why do want to get married?” Check for the signals before you commit yourself to a long boring, lifeless and tiring marriage.
Marriage is not a fancy dream. Let’s be realistic.”

ARE YOU THE POET OR REPORTER WOMAN?

BY Herbert Mtowo

I hope by now women you are all aware that, a man needs you to be his poet – not his reporter. You see, to connect to a man’s heart, you need to speak from yours! Are you a Reporter or a Poet? And… Why do you need to know? The simple definition is: A reporter states the facts. A poet shares her feelings ABOUT the facts. Listen to me women; every man wants to get close to a woman who is feeling something down to her toes. Imagine you’re standing on a hilltop with a man you really like – maybe even love – and you’re standing in front of a gorgeous sunset. Imagine what it would feel like to not say anything. To watch the sunset with this man in silence. Do you have an urge in this imaginary place to make a verbal connection with the man? To touch him? To say something that will connect you?

What would it be like if you just smiled? If you just felt that sunset down to your toes and smiled? What if you allowed yourself to feel the full amazingness of the sunset? This is true of men, from talking and relating to men and being a man myself, I know that the man who’s standing next to you when you feel the sunset down to your toes and smile at him will: Turn around and look at you. He will look at you, and he will try to get closer to you. Why? Because everybody wants to be near someone who is having an amazing experience!

Now let’s say he does smile at you. Maybe he says something like “uhhh…” while he’s The Poetstaring at you.
What is it you want to say? Are you going to be the “Reporter” of you and “report” what you see and what you think? Or are you going to be a “Poet” of you and express what you’re feeling? It might seem like it makes very little difference – but truly, it makes all the difference in the world to love and romance. Every man has a deep want to be in a connected and secure relationship, with a woman who pours her heart; words are like magnet to men. I want to help you to be that one one-In-A-Million woman your man never wants to lose. Women do you know what your man honestly needs to feel desperately in love and stay utterly convinced that you’re the only woman for him? And the key is in being a poet and not a reporter.

A Reporter would say, “What a beautiful sunset.” She would say, “It’s orange and pink and purple.”
A Poet would say, “I feel like a teenager back in my old room feeling all lovely and surrounded with stuffed animals. I can feel my heart pounding being so close to you here.”

The poet melts the man`s heart. The Reporter gets the friends, gets the business deals, and gets a few dates with a masculine-energy man. The Poet gets the romance, and holds the man’s heart in her hands. The Poet – to the man – seems confident. She seems comfortable in her own skin. She seems happy to be herself.

The Reporter – to the man – seems smart. She also seems tense. She’s all facts, all business, and all description. She doesn’t speak with life she speaks convincingly and informatively but not lovingly.

If what you want is a man’s heart, and not just his mind –then you have to learn and be the Poet, speaking with your emotions and from the heart and life and believe you me you will be HIS Poet. Reporter minded women drive men away but the poets know how to have a man`s heart in their hearts and hands. The skill and power of a poetic loving woman can never be denied and looked down upon. How do you talk or communicate with your man, are you his poet or you are his reporter?

Finally, I want you to remember this: A man can go a lifetime wishing he finally met a woman who understood him at a deep level – his needs, his fears, his hopes and dreams. And when he finally finds that woman, he feels so good that he simply can’t help himself from wanting to be with her all the time.

I want you to be that woman… and experience for yourself the incredible feelings that come from truly getting each other. Because once a man feels you’re the woman who truly understands him, he’ll naturally and effortlessly give you all the love, understanding and security YOU’VE been wishing for.

MASTERING COMMUNICATION IN LOVE

communication is key to love
Herbert Mtowo

Communication is one of the sensitive issues that we all have to earn every day of our lives. The best way to improve communication is through learning to communicate effectively and this will help couples develop a happy relationship. A relationship is a mixture of emotions which include feats of disagreements. Marriage is a work in progress; you will have issues along the way from the small stuff like where to spend your vacation to bigger issues that involve money. When couples communicate effectively, they will develop better relationships.

As far as I am concerned she is the best woman when you think about communication, one who makes one open up and share the world which nobody else knows or sees. And conflicts in relationships can be avoided. But that takes a lot of growing in the area of communication in love.

To avoid conflicts and resolve common relational issues, I recommend use of the following marriage communication skills, though there are many skills of communication to grow and master:

1. Speak not when you are angry. Your heart beats more than 90 beats per minute when you are angry. At this rate, it is difficult to use the logical side of your brain. If you speak a word at this time, you might release bashing words that you would later regret. You might say things that would hurt your spouse and may cause an irreparable damage to your marriage. Thus, disengage when angry; speak not a word.

2. Choose non-offensive words when communicating. If you want to express a complaint, start your statement with “I” or “We” instead of “You”. Say, “I think our investment is a mistake” instead of “You made a mistake in investing our money”. Choosing non-offensive words will not illicit defensiveness from your spouse. Even your way of speaking should be with a soft voice.

3. Do not criticize your spouse. Do not attack your spouse’s character and personality. Do not accuse and blame. Don’t be sarcastic. Do not insult your spouse or call him names. Stop non-verbal communications that could trigger anger like eyes rolling in mockery and sneering. Folded arms and a slightly turned back could be construed as disrespect and non-interest in the communication.

4. Do not be defensive. Always listen and have an open mind in your communication. Your feelings may have been hurt during your communication but you have to face the issues and own your faults. Take responsibility for personal actions. Being defensive will prevent you and your spouse from solving your marital issues amicably and develop a happy relationship. Most relationships by far and large run at the defense mode pace.

5. Inform your spouse of your hurt feelings. Never hide them or be passive about these emotions because if you do, you are creating a monster that can destroy your relationship. Being passive about your feelings will compound your hurts and this can turn into an explosive bomb when you reach your greatest tolerance. Addressing hurt feelings is one of the healthiest activities that a married couple should engage in. Never internalize your hurt feelings or subject your spouse to a silent treatment.

6. Be open to interact and communicate. A silent treatment will not only enrage your spouse, it will lead to unresolved issues. Silence is one of the deadly killers of relationships, and by all means we should try to avoid it.

Communicate with your ears, eyes, heart and mind. Make sure that you perfectly understand what your spouse is talking about. Listen to the needs and emotions being expressed. Make your spouse feel that you are listening attentively and feeling the emotions being expressed. Validate what you heard and felt by re-phrasing the statements or asking questions.

Master these relationship communication skills so that they become natural to you. These relationship communication skills then become automatic when you encounter marital issues. You automatically withdraw them from your system and unconsciously become your tools of engagement even when you are tired, upset, stressed or angry.

Relationship communication skills are one of your best tools to help you develop a healthy marriage life.