My weaknesses are my strengths

By Herbert Mtowo
“Our strength grows out of our weaknesses.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Did you realize that your weaknesses can contain an overwhelming abundance of hidden positive value? Those who only make use of their strengths are missing a big part of the picture. Use your strengths, to be sure, and also make use of your weaknesses. Even the great Paul of the bible, understood the value of making his weaknesses his strengths, instead of fighting the pain he realized he can embrace and cooperate and live with it to bring the best out of him. God spoke to him, “My strengths are made perfect in weakness”.-2 Corinthians 12:10-I AM STRONG

I am strong when I am weak...

I am my own man..

We all have our weaknesses, and when our goal is to persuade, we need to turn those weaknesses into strengths. Equally important, we need to speak up about them. In most business settings, where persuasion is personal and takes place between two people or a small group, a trait that is perceived by others as a weakness-or that you personally experience as a weakness-sometimes needs to be acknowledged out loud by you. That way, you can control people’s perception of the weakness and recast it as strength.
Your weaknesses represent the areas in which you can make the greatest, most dramatic improvements. Sure, you can improve on your strengths but any improvement will be incremental. However, when you set out to overcome your weaknesses the change can be stunning. For example, instead of saying to yourself “I’m no good at meeting people” consider what an enormous difference you could make by taking it upon yourself to become better at meeting people. By turning around a particular weakness you can have a dramatic impact. Which brings us to an interesting question: What is a weakness? Things such as gender, race, an accent, height, and so forth are often experienced as disadvantages in the workplace even though they aren’t weaknesses in the same sense that, for example, a stutter or dyslexia or extreme shyness is. Because of that, I almost decided to call this article, “Turn Your Differences Into Strengths.” But in addition to sounding way too politically correct, that misses point. If it feels like a weakness to you in the situation where you want to be persuasive, you need to get it out on the table and turn it into strength.
Half the battle is internal. It’s understanding that you’re as good as everyone else, and believing that what you may perceive as a weakness is actually a strength. The Buddhists teach that the thought is the root, and the root becomes the tree. This is true no matter what your personal profile. Believe that your “weakness” is strength, and you will soon see it in that light. It isn’t a matter of fooling yourself; it’s a matter of being open to a different perspective.
In politics, candidates are forced to turn their weaknesses into strengths in a very public way. The most famous example is probably Ronald Reagan’s quip during a debate with Walter Mondale in 1984. Reagan, who was 73 at the time, announced, “I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience.”
The weakness-into-strength positioning begins at the moment a political career is launched, when the first-time candidate is accused of being inexperienced. The standard response is, “That’s right! I am an outsider, and I’ll be a breath of fresh air in the stale, corrupt halls of power.” Barrack Obama stated that in his campaigns’. In the 2008 Democratic primaries, Barrack Obama famously ran on his outsider status against longtime Washington insiders such as Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, and Bill Richardson.
Obama’s eventual opponent, John McCain, had a different weakness to contend with in the Republican primaries. Despite the fact that McCain had been a U.S. senator for 22 years, he was more widely known for having been a prisoner of war. Rudolph Guiliani, the Republican front-runner at the time, was known for “leadership,” a more positive trait when you’re hoping to be president. McCain’s campaign turned his weakness into strength by concluding his television ads with the words, “John McCain for Commander-in-Chief,” rather than the standard, “John McCain for President.” It emphasized his potential for leadership as well as his military heroism, and helped to shift voters’ perceptions about the traits a president should possess.
In any job, making your weakness your strength is a positive. But when you’re persuading, it’s important to remember the other half of the equation: talking about it out loud, so that the unacknowledged “weakness” doesn’t distract people from your message.
What do you think your weaknesses are? Are they keeping you from starting something new, from pursuing a dream? Sometimes we have fears about our weaknesses without realizing it. Take a minute to think about what you’ve always wanted to do, or what you’re doing now. What are your fears? What do you perceive to be your weaknesses? What are your limitations, and what’s holding you back?
Everyone is blessed with numerous weaknesses. Instead of denying them or trying not to think about them, select a few and make the effort to overcome them. It can be a truly life changing experience.Go ahead turn your weaknesses in 2015 and beyond into your reservoirs of strengths..Make the best out of 2015,remeber you and me only have now and today to accomplishment all that we ant to accomplish in life.

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MAN –The mystery to understand in love.

By Herbert Mtowo

Man longs to be understood.

Man longs to be understood.


Having been a Psychology lecturer for years, one of my fascinations and interests in Psychology was the Cognitive part and Behavioral Psychology and how they both help in understanding human beings, more so the depths of understanding social psychology how it forever shapes our personalities and who we are and have become today.

As a woman, are you amazing at everything except understanding male psychology? Are you able to understand all the important people in your life except when it comes to the man you’re in love with? Do you work hard on your relationship but feel like you’re getting little out of it? Well, if you can’t figure out what you’re doing wrong, maybe you just need some help understanding the ins and outs of male psychology. Over the years I have seen men evolve and become a stranger among-st the women who love them because men women aren’t schooled enough to understand this evolving creation of God and how best to relate to him.

One thing that shouldn’t be surprising is that men want excitement and mystery. For your relationship to thrive, you need to learn how to keep those elements going. After you’ve been together for a while, things can get comfortable and predictable. While that’s nice, it’s not too exciting. In fact, it can get downright boring after a while. When you’re at work; routines, organization, and hard work are admired and rewarded. Your boss likes it because he knows what to expect from you. Men hate unstable environments, everything moving, job losses, city loses, body not working good, major surgery, because of such men panic because he is now in an unstable environment. And such affect their relationships with the women who love them, but they would still try to be in control of their feelings and environments. Men eventually will struggle to do in an unstable environment.

But when you’re at home, unless there’s a little excitement and spontaneity, your man can easily lose interest. Instead of seeing you as a desirable woman, he may start to see you as somebody to cook, clean and take care of chores. If you understand the male psyche, you won’t allow that to happen. While keeping the excitement in a relationship is important, you want to couple that with an aura of mystery. This is the stuff that can drive your man crazy. And it’s easy to do.

While you don’t want to out-and-out lie to him, sometimes it’s better to leave him guessing than to tell the truth. If he really wants to know, let him draw it out of you one detail at a time. Who knows, he may even learn to like having a conversation, if you can make it fun for him. One thing that you may be unaware of is that men are not the confirmed bachelors that many of them pretend to be. They really want it all. Most men need and want to have a loving and secure relationship with a caring woman. Although they may be reluctant to admit it, emotional intimacy is very important to them. A sexual relationship is better when it’s shared with the woman they love. Men want someone to share their thoughts and feelings with. You can be that “all” for them.

But even though they want and need those things, men can be easily distracted and get involved with women who are totally the opposite. It really doesn’t make sense, does it? But what happens is that instead of searching out a woman who has the qualities that he is looking for in a woman, he settles because it’s easier.

It’s hard to resist a woman who basically throws herself at him. And when he’s young, there are lots of available women who do just that. But as a man gets older, he gets smarter and realizes that he wants more. It’s at that point that he starts looking for a woman to share his life with. Now that you understand a bit more about male psychology, here’s what you can do to attract the man of your dreams.

Aim for classic and sexy, and not cheap or uptight. Men like it when a woman dresses in a flirt, feminine way. Show off your assets but not too much of them. Keep him guessing a little. Drop a few hints now and again, but don’t tell all. Your personal life and your work life are two separate things. Keep it that way. Let your cell phone ring, especially if you’re at work or busy. Don’t drop everything to leap for the phone. Make him leave a message and get back to him later. Let him experience what it’s like to be waiting for a phone call or a text message. Be in a hurry once in a while when he calls and get off the phone quickly. Don’t give him a blow-by-blow description of your girl’s night out.

It’s slightly old-fashioned but the fact remains that it makes a man feel good to be the leader. Men love to be in charge. It makes them feel, well, manly. He’s not showing a lack of respect for you when he takes the lead in your relationship. It’s actually his way of taking care of you and showing you that he is a capable of looking after things. So don’t get upset with him or with the situation. Instead, why not take the attitude that you don’t have to be the one in control and just go along for what could be a very enjoyable ride?

Acceptance and compromise are great ways to nurture your relationship. Accept your man’s wish for control and excitement. Giving him what he needs will lead to you getting what you need too.

If you think about it, understanding the Psychology of man is not that difficult. It’s simply a matter of looking at how men think about and approach different situations, and then responding accordingly. If you respond in the right way, you are creating a secure and happy environment for both of you. A man could be having a problem or problems but all his problems aren’t about you, he needs you to compliment him and help him. Man wants a woman who completes him than compete with him, and you end up having a contest at home and the environment becomes unstable because man has competed all his life and tired of competing and the last he wants to compete with is his spouse. There is more flourishing in a relationship where there is completion than competition. No man wants to be attracted to a woman he is competing with but completing with.

DIFFERENT REASONS THAT ARE MOTIVATING PEOPLE TO MARRY.

Marriage and talks

By Herbert Mtowo

With most marriages ending in divorce, it is important to take a self inventory about who you want to get married. In my talk to several people, I have discovered that people have really wild and at times crazy ideas about why they want to get married. In this article I am just sharing the fundamentals that should motivate me and you to get married. Several movies have been done on this matter and what comes to my attention quickly is “Why did I get married?” “Why did I get married too? “am sure there are several I can mention but these two and many others try to bring out to the open some of the reasons why people get married. So to avoid much of the heartache and pain and not ask regrettably,”Why did I get married?, you can as well ask yourself now, “Why do I want to get married ?” This will go a long way in making your heart and mind sure of what you want to get into before you do so. Read this along and give me feedback
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Having compatibility, trust, and communication in your relationship will build the strong foundation of companionship you need for marriage. However, if one of these factors is not present, getting married is not a good idea. Marriage between two people should only occur when all factors are present. It is never a good idea to get married for the wrong reasons. Reasons not to get married include getting married due to love at first sight, sexual attraction, to cure loneliness, as an act of rebellion, rebound love, out of obligation, pressure, pregnancy, and for financial gain. Marriages based on these reasons most likely result in divorce. While for some people, one or these reasons may seem like the best thing, but they are not. Some of these reasons are selfish and do not Love at first sight. Ah, what a feeling! You smile constantly, have butterflies in your tummy, and may feel impulsive. Impulsive enough to get married. Getting married based on love alone is the number one reason not to get married. Love at first sight can be a temporary feeling. The things you do like running off to get married while under its spell can have lasting negative effects. No foundation has been built to support the marriage. Therefore, the marriage has no backbone and will most likely end in divorce. Also, marrying from lust at first sight is a bad idea as well. Marriages based on sexual attraction do not survive. Sex is one of the several factors that keep the flames of love burning and not thee only one. It`s important to have an open mind to be able to develop strengths in every area of your relationship. It`s sad that many people are just enduring and not enjoying marriage.

Second, do you trust one another? Marriages without trust are marriages that end in divorce. Having your partner’s trust is a must have in a relationship. If the slightest doubt in either of the partners’ mind, then there is no trust. Relationships thrive on trust and cannot survive without it. Third, is there communication? Lack of communication can destroy a relationship. Communication is very important in a marriage. Married people need to communicate all the time. Talking only when times get rough or not talking at all only hurts the relationship. The lack of communication is also a leading reason for divorces. Divorcees commonly complain that the other partner never listened or avoided conversations with them. Communication is vital to the relationship. If you never communicate, how will you know if you are compatible and if you trust one another?

No one wants to be lonely, but marrying someone simply to avoid being alone the rest of your life is wrong, not only for you but for your mate as well. People fear being alone and will jump into a marriage quickly to avoid it. Chances are you will still be lonely only now you will be lonely in a marriage. These types of marriages have no foundation of companionship and usually result in unhappiness leading to divorce take in the considerations of the other partner’s feelings. Whether you are marrying as an act of rebellion or rebound, neither are a good idea. The acts are selfish. Getting married as a way to get even with someone, parents and/or ex-lover, only hurts the ones who love you and yourself. Rebelling into marriage can have a negative impact on everyone involved. Marrying someone while on the rebound is unfair to the other person. It is easier for someone on the rebound to fall in love because of the need to be loved. People on the rebound tend to marry the wrong person. They are in love with the idea of being in love and not the real person. Rebound marriages can hurt the other partner who actually may be in love with the rebounded. The rebounded can also be hurt once they realize the mistake they have made.

Lastly, marrying for financial gain is wrong. Many men and women marry for financial gain to escape their current financial situations. This is perhaps the most selfish reason to marry someone. These marriages almost always result in divorce with hurt parties on both sides. Marrying for any of the wrong reasons is a recipe for disaster. Marriage is about commitment. A serious commitment between two people should never be taken lightly. Make sure you are marrying for the right reasons and not the wrong ones. Take time to ask yourself today, ‘Why do want to get married?” Check for the signals before you commit yourself to a long boring, lifeless and tiring marriage.
Marriage is not a fancy dream. Let’s be realistic.”

Advice for the unmarried

By Pastor Mark Driscoll

Marry someone who will be a fit for every season of the life that awaits you together. As I’ve mentioned before, Grace and I met in high school, married in college, and then graduated to start Mars Hill Church together a few years later. She then quit work to stay at home and be a mother to our now five children, and we recently celebrated our sixteenth wedding anniversary and a total of over twenty years together including dating. So far, together we have been through high school, college, ministry, and parenting.

One day our five children will be grown, and we will grow old together. Grace does not get to travel with me often, but when she does, we talk often about how great our current season of life is but also how fun it will be when the kids are grown and we can travel together for ministry and enjoy our grand kids. Marriage is about getting old and serving one another in every season of life. So marry someone with every season in mind. Too often, Christians marry only with children in mind and do not consider that one day the kids will be gone, but the couple will be together all the time; as a result, when the kids leave home, crisis hits the marriage because the kids were the glue that held things together.

We love our children, but we also love being together and growing old together.
choice to marry

KEEP THE LOVE FIRE BURNING

By Herbert Mtowo

We all want true love. We search diligently for it, sometimes it takes years to find the right mate. Then things are hot and heavy for the first several months. We feel totally satisfied and like we have found our soul mate. Everything looks rosy.

But then the honeymoon phase ends and we start to separate some and get on with our own goals and career and true love can start to fade. We can start to feel like the love is leaving our relationship. How could something so special start to go away? Why don’t I feel as close and loved as I used to? One thing we should all learn for as long as we live,its the skills and passion to kep the fire burning,its our responsibility to do so.

These are issues we all must face, because, unlike in romantic comedies, you don’t fall deeply in love and feel that feeling forever. It waxes and wanes, it goes away, it comes back. That’s going to happen. You can count on it. The trick is to develop habits and practices that help love to grow and sustain itself in the relationship. The more of these practices we have the better the quality of our relationship.

One such powerful practice that helps keep true love alive is being interested versus interesting. “Interesting” people try to maintain relationships by having things to say, by focusing conversations on themselves and the dramas in their lives. There is nothing wrong with this, of course, and you need your mate to have things be all about them from time to time.

However, another powerful strategy for maintaining love in a relationship is to be “interested” in your mate on a regular and frequent basis. This may seem obvious, that all lovers are interested in their mates, so let’s go into greater detail. There are many ways to be and show interest in your mate.

One way is to show interest in their daily dramas. We all have daily dramas. It could be the boss at work is getting on our case. It could be we aren’t sure the teacher for our six year old is paying enough attention to their needs. It could be that we are feeling sad and we aren’t sure why.

If you are alive, you have some daily drama. That’s just the way it is. You are going to have some worries and concerns, some little victories and defeats, each day or week of your life. Well, to help keep true love alive, you simply need to pay attention to your partner’s daily dramas. Find out what they are worried or concerned about. Know what victory or successes that are striving for, what failures they are seeking to avoid.

Next, chat with them every day about those things. This is called “small talk.” Ask your mate about how the boss treated him or her today, did it get better or worse? Ask about how the teacher dealt with your child over the homework issue. Studies have actually shown that the more small talk there is in a marriage, the happier the couple is.

So being interested in your mate may sound like a small, obvious thing that you are already doing, but many of us over time stop checking in on the little things, and having small talk about them. Show continuing interest in the daily ups and downs of your partner, discuss them frequently, and you can help keep true love alive between you over the years.love is stronger than death,and when you find it,or the woman or man Noziyou love,cherish them,adore them,make them the Queen of your heart,love as if you have never been hurt before.

Setbacks and Adversity are you managing them!!

Everyone at least once in their life experiences some form of a setback, adversity, failure or loss in at least one area of their life. Adversity can strike with or without notice. It can hit a relationship, a loved one, a career, your business, your health or your financial status. No matter where or when it hits, the anxiety, stress, frustration, disappointment, fear, sadness or panic leave the same feelings or emotions in its wake. A senses of hopelessness and/or despair. Life is circular not linear. First there is birth, then growth, then maturity then death, followed again by birth or re-birth and so on. This is the law of the universe, whether it is life itself or a change in career or a relationship. I do not mean to imply that all relationships must die before their time, but they do eventually end. There is a big difference. Endings are different than death. Death is certainly an ending, but there are literally thousands of types of endings. Periods of life end, for example youth is followed by adulthood. All careers end if not by premature death, then retirement, or the beginning of a new or different career. Relationships end, if not physically, then a stage in the relationship, for example lust, infatuation or physical attraction is replaced in long standing relationships with deep and abiding love. Setbacks and adversity are often signals that some aspect of life has come to an end or needs to come to an end. They are wake-up calls or what I call choice points in life. Many people, myself included, on a number of occasions, resist endings from time to time. Sometimes however, we embrace or encourage them. We want to continue life, business or a way of life forever. Most people die with unfinished business left in them. It is seldom that there isn’t something more that could have been said, done, seen, learned or shared by someone who has passed on. This is not an article about death and dying. It is about bouncing back from an event that life has been thrown in our path, or we have brought into our life because of our attitudes, decisions, behavior or actions. At the end of this article I will offer some ideas on how to bounce back, but first let’s look at a few related ideas. What gives adversity its power over emotions, feelings and responses? Why is adversity a tool used by some to improve or change, while it is used by others as an excuse or reason to give up or whine and bemoan their circumstances? Where is the potential learning or lessons in a setback or adverse situation? Life isn’t fair, and it isn’t unfair. It just is. Life is neutral. It brings each person unique opportunities to learn and grow as a result of the events or circumstances that cross their path. Everyone, I repeat everyone regardless of their age, sex, nationality, religion, career status or financial position is a student in life. Some people, upon an outward-in first glance may “have it made”. But do not judge by appearances only. Everyone has inner battles of one kind or another that they are fighting. No one is immune to the teachings of life. Class is always in session. School is never out. There are no vacations. We never graduate. We don’t get to select the curriculum, but we do have to do all the assignments and take all the quizzes. If we pass, we get to move on to other sometimes bigger or higher lessons. If we fail, we get to repeat the same lesson again and again until we finally learn whatever it is we need to learn as we travel through life. The repeated lesson might present itself from a different spouse, career situation, or any number of new and/or different circumstances, but the lesson will be the same. There are several predicable stages that people go through following any loss regardless of its nature or severity. They are denial, anger, acceptance and finally moving forward. Many of us bring repeated adversity of one kind or another into our lives and a great many people choose to see themselves as victims. To see yourself as a victim, and not take the responsibility for your circumstances is to live in an inner emotional world dominated by blame, guilt and resentment. I once heard a friend make the statement, “why is this happening to me again?” There was a common denominator in all of the repeated events. It was him. Adversity gives us the opportunity to do a number of things as we move through our lives. Some of them are: reevaluate old life patterns that are not working; see ourselves more clearly as a contributor; develop new attitudes about life, relationships, money, people, work etc.; observe how we handle the lessons we are given. A number of people have asked me why some people seem to have or attract more adversity or failure while others seem to glide through life with wonderful relationships, stable financial lives, growing careers, lots of friends and excellent health. I don’t know for sure why some people seem to have more, do more and become more while others struggle daily with the basics of life. But I do have a few ideas and will share them with you as food for thought only. You won’t find these in a psychology text or on a counselors couch. They are just my observations seeing life through my own personal struggles and successes. Everyone is on their own personal path through life. There is a law in the universe called the law of cause and effect. There is another metaphysical concept that states, be careful of what you ask for because you will probably get it. Still another says, what you are seeking is seeking you. There is a great quote from Yogi Bera, “expecting different results from repeated behavior is a mild form of insanity.” Another from my relationship seminar says, life determines who comes into your life, your attitudes and actions determines who stays. As you can see from a number of different perspectives, a great deal of the adversity and loss in our lives is self-inflicted as a result of our conscious actions, expectations, perceptions and thoughts or our unconscious values, beliefs, judgments and paradigms. All behavior is the result of a persons consciousness. To attempt to change behavior without first changing consciousness is to invite failure whether it is with eating habits, communication patterns, or work ethics, and everything in between. The reason so many people fail at whatever behavior they attempt to change is because they try to change outside-in rather than inside-out. What does all of this psychological mumbo jumbo have to do with adversity and bouncing back? Everything. Our state of mind is often fertile ground that attracts adversity into our lives. Our state of mind will determine how we will respond to, or overcome the events that come to us. Our perceptions, or filters (how we see life) will determine our interpretation of whether this is an adversity or not. Give twenty different people the same adverse event, and I guarantee that some will see it as negative, some will see it as positive and some will see it as devastating. The event was the same, the interpretations unique and personal. Let’s summarize and answer the first question, what gives adversity its power over people’s emotions, feelings and responses? When we are confronted with a situation regardless of its nature, that is perceived as a threat to our comfort, security, sense of well being or the status quo we tend to imagine the worst. Fear takes over. How will I survive alone? Will I ever find a new job or career that I will be successful in? Will I ever find another lasting nurturing relationship? What will my life be like with only memories of the past? Am I destined to struggle my entire life? How can I ever get over this tremendous loss? There are others, but I am confident you see my point. When we operate out of a consciousness of fear, we tend to lose our perspective. We don’t think rightly, see clearly or feel safe. We therefore see ourselves as victims and out of control of our lives. Adversity can be a tool, just like any other emotional tool for positive change. If the wake-up call is heard, we can listen carefully to what we believe it is trying to teach us. This takes awareness, courage, self-love and patience. If we are too hard on ourselves and beat ourselves up thinking, I am such an idiot, or I’ll never get this right or, I deserve all this bad stuff, we will find it difficult to create the proper mind-set to change direction. Adversity needs to be looked at with precision, careful observation and honest introspection. It needs to be seen as one of life’s teachers, and not some villain that is out to get us or beat us down. Having said all this it is also important that we not let ourselves off the hook with justification or acceptance. It is important to learn to become more comfortable with where we want to be or who we want to become rather than where we are or who we are. As promised here are a few things you can do if you are smack in the middle of a situation that is uncomfortable, challenging or trying to teach you something, in other words an adversity. One, try and keep the circumstances or situation in perspective. Will this be as big an issue in 100 years as it is today. Two, evaluate the situation in light of your entire life. Three, focus on what you have, not what you lost. This isn’t any easy step when you are neck deep in pain, sorrow or grief, but continuing to focus on what is no longer, tends to keep you locked in the past and a state of ‘no positive action’. Four, do something, anything to re-focus your thoughts, energy or activities in a positive or more healthy direction. Five, if it is a loss of a relationship or loved one, remember all that you had with them that was good and positive. Six, Remember you can’t change what has happened, but you can change the future. And you change your future in your present moments. You also create all of your memories positive or negative, in your present moments. Seven, keep in mind the concept that you don’t always get to determine what comes into your life, but you always get the choice of how to react or respond to it. These are not easy steps. Loss and adversity of any kind are painful and difficult as long as you continue to remain focused on the loss or the problem. To use adversity as a positive teacher that has come lovingly into your life to help you overcome shortcomings, character defaults or poor judgment is a sign of emotional maturity. To wallow indefinitely in the negative circumstance, failure, disappointment or loss is to remain stuck and out of control. Life is neutral. It doesn’t care how you react or respond to its teachings. So the final question I would leave you with is, what kind of a student are you as you pass through the classes in life? Are you a willing learner or are you resisting the teaching, and the opportunity for personal growth?

STEPS TO AVOID AFFAIR/S

Getting married doesn’t mean you won’t ever be tempted by someone else ever again. Temptation is everywhere. There are going to be attractive people that you have chemistry with at times. It is important to actively safeguard your marriage in order to resist the temptations that come your way throughout your married life.
An affair can happen in any marriage. It doesn’t happen only in bad marriages or marriages where one partner is away frequently. It is important to recognize that all marriages can be vulnerable to an affair. Take steps to avoid common pitfalls that can lead to an affair.

Active Commitment

Actively commit to remain faithful to your spouse. Remind yourself often of your marriage vows and the reason it is important to stay faithful. If your marriage is having problems it is important to address those problems within the marriage.

Remember that marriage wasn’t meant to cure all of life’s problems. While you are married, you will still feel sad, lonely, and disappointed at times. Don’t try to cope with those feelings by forming attachments to someone else to “fill the void.”

Making yourself aware that you are vulnerable to temptation can help you be on alert. Most affairs don’t happen overnight. They usually are a slow progression where a friendship or close work relationship starts to turn into something inappropriate.

Set Healthy Boundaries

It is important to set healthy boundaries for yourself. This means, don’t put yourself in situations where you could fall prey to temptation. For example, don’t allow yourself to grow deep friendships with people of the opposite sex. Sometimes a close friendship can lead down the wrong path.

Also, be aware that internet friendships pose a serious risk to your marriage as well. Sometimes people think that there is nothing wrong with forming a friendship with someone they chat with online. Even if you don’t have a physical connection, an emotional affair can be very damaging to your marriage.

Avoid complaining to others about your marriage. A lot of affairs start when a man and women start complaining about their spouses together. This can lead to comments such as “I’d never treat you like that…” which can be the start of a slippery slope.

Avoid Secrecy

A good rule to follow – don’t ever do anything you wouldn’t be comfortable doing if your spouse was next to you. This can prevent you from saying things that you might not normally say and can prevent you from forming inappropriate relationships.

If you have a friendship or conversations that you would not feel comfortable having in the presence of your spouse, stop! Secret phone calls, meetings, or emails are unhealthy. It’s not necessary to give your spouse complete access to everything all the time, but don’t hide things. If you find yourself deleting and erasing things or finding time to meet with someone without your spouse’s knowledge, it may have already progressed into an emotional affair.

Communicate with Your Spouse

It would be naïve if you and your spouse thought that just because you were married you would never feel attracted to anyone ever again. This just isn’t the case. It’s likely there will be times when you feel a connection with someone else. Talk to your spouse ahead of time about how to respond when this happens. Discuss steps that you are both comfortable with taking when handling such a situation.

Talking together about how to prevent an affair can be one of the most powerful conversations you can have together. It shows that you recognize your vulnerability and want to take steps necessary to prevent it.

Be willing to accept responsibility and accountability for your actions. If you are struggling with an attraction to someone, consider telling your spouse. Also consider allowing your spouse to hold you accountable to ensure that you behave appropriately and are able to resist temptation. Support one another in remaining faithful to your vows.YOU AND ME HAVE THE POWER TO KEEP AFFAIRS OUT OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS AND MARRIAGES,IT STARTS WITH YOU.

Making love is A Skill to be mastered.

LETTING GO PAIN AND LOVE ANYWAY.

GETTING SERIOUS IN RELATIONSHIPS

BY HERBERT MTOWO
We have all experienced emotional pain. Often times someone we have loved has turned their backs on us. Maybe it was a betrayal. Perhaps it was an intentional act of malevolence or outright hatred. Yes, I think we’ve all been there a time or two. Unfortunately that is the nature of human dynamics. Finding joy in these situations is still possible. You simply have to realign your thinking.

When we are attacked, especially by someone we love, the feelings that strike us are negative and hurtful. I mean, how could he or she have done such a thing? Didn’t they know how much you loved them?

In this life there are no sure guarantees. Just because someone loves you today doesn’t mean they will tomorrow. An act of betrayal or hate is usually the sign that the other person has decided to move on to other life paths. Regardless of how much you loved them, there is nothing you can do to change their minds. Remember that, in the end, we are only responsible for our own actions and mental / emotional states. We are not judged by others but by ourselves. When we have learned to expect love or respect in return for what we feel or gave, we set ourselves up for ultimate failure.

Think about the person who has attacked you. Push aside the pain a moment and remember the reasons why you loved that person. Why did you feel that way? Was it so that they would return your affection or was it simply because you cared for them? Has anything really changed? Perhaps they no longer love you, but how do you feel for them?

True love isn’t a quid-pro-quo arrangement. True love says I love you unconditionally. It isn’t about getting something in return. It’s about giving of yourself. The fact that the person no longer wants what you have to give does not make your feelings insignificant. Why? The reason is that love is an intrinsic piece of who you are. You gave that love freely because you chose to. Now it is up to you to continue to feel that way. But will you?

If you decide to be hurt and pull back your love, you only hurt yourself as your love for another person is a reflection of yourself. If you give into anger and hatred then you become angry and hateful. Never do that. Instead continue to realize why you love that person and don’t let go of that emotion. It is OK to let go of the person, but not the love. Take your matured love and move on to another person. By doing so you will become a stronger person less susceptible to pain because you know that you love for love’s sake and not because someone returned a feeling. True love exists intrinsically, and love for a return like an investment was never love but an empty need. You have the choice to make your heart and mind whatever you want. Let love lead you through the pain and finding joy will be your reward. Love unconditionally and learn to let go and move on.