MASTERING COMMUNICATION IN LOVE

communication is key to love
Herbert Mtowo

Communication is one of the sensitive issues that we all have to earn every day of our lives. The best way to improve communication is through learning to communicate effectively and this will help couples develop a happy relationship. A relationship is a mixture of emotions which include feats of disagreements. Marriage is a work in progress; you will have issues along the way from the small stuff like where to spend your vacation to bigger issues that involve money. When couples communicate effectively, they will develop better relationships.

As far as I am concerned she is the best woman when you think about communication, one who makes one open up and share the world which nobody else knows or sees. And conflicts in relationships can be avoided. But that takes a lot of growing in the area of communication in love.

To avoid conflicts and resolve common relational issues, I recommend use of the following marriage communication skills, though there are many skills of communication to grow and master:

1. Speak not when you are angry. Your heart beats more than 90 beats per minute when you are angry. At this rate, it is difficult to use the logical side of your brain. If you speak a word at this time, you might release bashing words that you would later regret. You might say things that would hurt your spouse and may cause an irreparable damage to your marriage. Thus, disengage when angry; speak not a word.

2. Choose non-offensive words when communicating. If you want to express a complaint, start your statement with “I” or “We” instead of “You”. Say, “I think our investment is a mistake” instead of “You made a mistake in investing our money”. Choosing non-offensive words will not illicit defensiveness from your spouse. Even your way of speaking should be with a soft voice.

3. Do not criticize your spouse. Do not attack your spouse’s character and personality. Do not accuse and blame. Don’t be sarcastic. Do not insult your spouse or call him names. Stop non-verbal communications that could trigger anger like eyes rolling in mockery and sneering. Folded arms and a slightly turned back could be construed as disrespect and non-interest in the communication.

4. Do not be defensive. Always listen and have an open mind in your communication. Your feelings may have been hurt during your communication but you have to face the issues and own your faults. Take responsibility for personal actions. Being defensive will prevent you and your spouse from solving your marital issues amicably and develop a happy relationship. Most relationships by far and large run at the defense mode pace.

5. Inform your spouse of your hurt feelings. Never hide them or be passive about these emotions because if you do, you are creating a monster that can destroy your relationship. Being passive about your feelings will compound your hurts and this can turn into an explosive bomb when you reach your greatest tolerance. Addressing hurt feelings is one of the healthiest activities that a married couple should engage in. Never internalize your hurt feelings or subject your spouse to a silent treatment.

6. Be open to interact and communicate. A silent treatment will not only enrage your spouse, it will lead to unresolved issues. Silence is one of the deadly killers of relationships, and by all means we should try to avoid it.

Communicate with your ears, eyes, heart and mind. Make sure that you perfectly understand what your spouse is talking about. Listen to the needs and emotions being expressed. Make your spouse feel that you are listening attentively and feeling the emotions being expressed. Validate what you heard and felt by re-phrasing the statements or asking questions.

Master these relationship communication skills so that they become natural to you. These relationship communication skills then become automatic when you encounter marital issues. You automatically withdraw them from your system and unconsciously become your tools of engagement even when you are tired, upset, stressed or angry.

Relationship communication skills are one of your best tools to help you develop a healthy marriage life.

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The Essence of Success

BY OZIAS MUCHERIWA

I’m sure everyone even those who are not happy with themselves have some points or areas about themselves which they are happy with. Even the worst rascal has a virtue about himself that he is happy about. I need not mention the virtuous for they have many things about themselves of which they feel proud. Being also human, I have things about myself that I’m happy with; every time that I meet a successful person in any area of endeavor I do not feel jealousy or hasten to criticize them, instead I admire them. As long as they are successful in their field I appreciate them because I have learnt that a wise person does not spew reproachful recriminations upon things that he or she does not fully fathom. I make an extra effort to study what makes them successful.

In my study of the successful, I have found many discoveries but I wish to share only one with you. There are many of course but this one I believe, is the bright golden thread woven through all of man’s success.

Success in life takes time. In other words, it is a process and processes do take time. It can be a short time or a long time but the fact is, it takes time. Success then lies in what you do during that time. What many people call success is a result and not the real thing. Success is what you do during the time allocated to you. Every man and woman has time allocated to them to create their success and what they then do during that time is what determines success or its exact opposite.

A student goes to school or college and is allocated a number of hours translating into days, weeks, months and years. Their success lies not in their zeal but in their use of the time apportioned to them. When they spend one day playing and skip studying they are putting in motion the process that begets failure. The same is true for any field of endeavor.

When we watch the Olympics with Michael Phelps taking sixteen Olympic medals we are bound to think that he succeeded on the day of the competition when the truth is that he succeeded during the practice sessions by allocating his time effectively to rigorous training and practice.

Everyone has this commodity called time but the use of it is what differentiates us. Those who usually put it to wrong use, just like the lazy who complain about how hard they work, are the best at complaining that there is no time. The same time whose unavailability they complain about, is being used by others to achieve their dreams and attain success.

Every time that you realize you need to work on your gift and tell yourself that you do not have the time, know this one fact that someone with the same gift is working on it and getting another step ahead of you.

Remember, when our parents die they do not leave us even a millisecond of the time that they did not put to use. Your time is your time.

We have started the second quarter of 2012, how are you making use of your time in light of your goals?

Formula for failing and success

By Herbert Mtowo

Failure is not a single, cataclysmic event. We do not fail overnight. Failure is the inevitable result of an accumulation of poor thinking and poor choices. To put it more simply, failure is nothing more than a few errors in judgment repeated every day.Now why would someone make an error in judgment and then be so foolish as to repeat it every day? The answer is because he or she does not think that it matters.

On their own, our daily acts do not seem that important. A minor oversight, a poor decision, or a wasted hour generally doesn’t result in an instant and measurable impact. More often than not, we escape from any immediate consequences of our deeds. If we have not bothered to read a single book in the past ninety days, this lack of discipline does not seem to have any immediate impact on our lives. And since nothing drastic happened to us after the first ninety days, we repeat this error in judgment for another ninety days, and on and on it goes. Why? Because it doesn’t seem to matter. And herein lies the great danger. Far worse than not reading the books is not even realizing that it matters!

Those who eat too many of the wrong foods are contributing to a future health problem, but the joy of the moment overshadows the result of the future. It does not seem to matter. Those who smoke too much or drink too much go on making these poor choices year after year after year…because it doesn’t seem to matter. But the pain and regret of these errors in judgment have only been delayed for a future time. Consequences are seldom instant; instead, they accumulate until the inevitable day of reckoning finally arrives and the price must be paid for our poor choices— choices that didn’t seem to matter.

One of the exciting things about the formula for success is that the results are almost immediate. As we voluntarily change daily errors into daily disciplines, we experience positive results in a very short period of time. When we change our diet, our health improves noticeably in just a few weeks. When we start exercising we feel a new vitality almost immediately. When we begin reading, we experience a growing awareness and a new level of self-confidence. Whatever new discipline we begin to practice daily will produce exciting results that will drive us to become even better at developing new disciplines. There are those who would lead us to believe that we do not need the disciplines in order to change our lives – that all a person needs is a little motivation. But “motivation” is not how people change their lives. To change a life we must first change our thinking habits. If a person is a fool and becomes motivated, he merely becomes a motivated fool.

The real magic of new disciplines is that they will cause us to amend our thinking. If we were to start today to read the books, keep a journal, attend the classes, listen more and see more, then today would be the first day of a new life leading to a better future. If we were to start today to try harder, and in every way make a conscious and consistent effort to change subtle and deadly errors into constructive and rewarding disciplines, we would never again settle for a life of existence — not once we have tasted the fruits of a life of substance!
To change ourselves from how we are to how we want to be, we must begin with those few basics that affect the way we think. We can greatly change the course of our lives by spending more time and making a greater conscious effort to refine our personal philosophy.

The exciting thing is that we will not have to change all that much for the results to very quickly change for us.
Failure’s most dangerous attribute is its subtlety. In the short-term those little errors don’t seem to make any difference. We do not seem to be failing. In fact, sometimes these accumulated errors in judgment occur throughout a period of great joy and prosperity in our lives. Since nothing terrible happens to us, since there are no instant consequences to capture our attention, we simply drift from one day to the next, repeating the errors, thinking the wrong thoughts, listening to the wrong voices and making the wrong choices. The sky did not fall in on us yesterday; therefore the act was probably harmless. Since it seemed to have no measurable result, it is probably safe to repeat.

If at the end of the day when we made our first error in judgment the sky had fallen in on us, we undoubtedly would have taken immediate steps to make sure that the act would never be again. Like the child who places his hand on a hot burner despite his parents’ warnings, we would have had an instantaneous experience accompanying our error in judgment.

Unfortunately, failure does not shout out its warnings as our parents once did. This is why it is imperative to refine our philosophy in order to be able to make better choices. With a powerful, personal philosophy guiding our every step, we become more aware of our errors in judgment and more aware that each error really does matter.

Like the formula for failure, the formula for success is easy to follow:

Now here is an interesting question worth pondering: How can we change the errors in the formula for failure into the disciplines required in the formula for success? The answer is by making the future an important part of our current philosophy.

One of the exciting things about the formula for success is that the results are almost immediate. As we voluntarily change daily errors into daily disciplines, we experience positive results in a very short period of time. When we change our diet, our health improves noticeably in just a few weeks. When we start exercising we feel a new vitality almost immediately. When we begin reading, we experience a growing awareness and a new level of self-confidence. Whatever new discipline we begin to practice daily will produce exciting results that will drive us to become even better at developing new disciplines.

The real magic of new disciplines is that they will cause us to amend our thinking. If we were to start today to read the books, keep a journal, attend the classes, listen more and see more, then today would be the first day of a new life leading to a better future. If we were to start today to try harder, and in every way make a conscious and consistent effort to change subtle and deadly errors into constructive and rewarding disciplines, we would never again settle for a life of existence — not once we have tasted the fruits of a life of substance!

There are those who would lead us to believe that we do not need the disciplines in order to change our lives – that all a person needs is a little motivation. But “motivation” is not how people change their lives. To change a life we must first change our thinking habits. If a person is a fool and becomes motivated, he merely becomes a motivated fool.

To change ourselves from how we are to how we want to be, we must begin with those few basics that affect the way we think. We can greatly change the course of our lives by spending more time and making a greater conscious effort to refine our personal philosophy.
The exciting thing is that we will not have to change all that much for the results to very quickly change for us.

One of the exciting things about the formula for success is that the results are almost immediate. As we voluntarily change daily errors into daily disciplines, we experience positive results in a very short period of time. When we change our diet, our health improves noticeably in just a few weeks. When we start exercising we feel a new vitality almost immediately. When we begin reading, we experience a growing awareness and a new level of self-confidence. Whatever new discipline we begin to practice daily will produce exciting results that will drive us to become even better at developing new disciplines.

The real magic of new disciplines is that they will cause us to amend our thinking. If we were to start today to read the books, keep a journal, attend the classes, listen more and observe more, then today would be the first day of a new life leading to a better future. If we were to start today to try harder, and in every way make a conscious and consistent effort to change subtle and deadly errors into constructive and rewarding disciplines, we would never again settle for a life of existence — not once we have tasted the fruits of a life of substance!

There are those who would lead us to believe that we do not need the disciplines in order to change our lives – that all a person needs is a little motivation. But “motivation” is not how people change their lives. To change a life we must first change our thinking habits. If a person is a fool and becomes motivated, he merely becomes a motivated fool.

To change ourselves from how we are to how we want to be, we must begin with those few basics that affect the way we think. We can greatly change the course of our lives by spending more time and making a greater conscious effort to refine our personal philosophy.
The exciting thing is that we will not have to change all that much for the results to very quickly change for us.