Priority- Openness and Honesty in Relationships -Repeat Series.

Priority- Openness and Honesty in Relationships
( Why women value this from their men.!)
By Herbert Mtowo

Introduction

Women, most of them value an honest heart and a man who is honesty in relating to them. A sense of security is the bright golden thread woven through all of a woman’s basic needs. If a man doesn’t keep up honest and open communication with his woman, he undermines her trust and even destroys her security. Though most men tend to think that women like to be lied at, when infact the opposite is true.

Honesty builds trust in a woman’s heart and the man who opens his heart to her, gets all her attention. men must be encouraged to open up to their women now and then than to remain strangers to the women n their lives. A woman must trust her man to give her accurate information about his past, the present, and the future. What he has done? What he s thinking of or doing right now? What plans he has? To most women if they cant trust the signals the man sends, or refuses to send any signals, then she concludes she has no foundation to build a solid and stable relationship. So instead of adjusting to him, she feels off balance; instead of growing up with him, she grows away from him. Hope men you are not driving your woman away from your heart and life by constantly lying to her.

Types of Lying men/husbands

Most men live lives of constant lying to their women, wives; there is this belief in most men, that they would be loved more and better when they lie to the women n their lives. Men lie even about their accomplishments, just to want to get loved and appreciated. You cant build a strong relationship on a foundation of lying, because it crumbles like a deck of cards in a moment when you are caught.

a. The “born” liar
From a very early age, he has continually told small lies about inconsequential matters. This liar would report he was reading, when the truth is he was actually sleeping. He s good at fabricating stories about events in his past and constantly distorts the truth in a subtle way, that seem almost unnoticeable-at first. But when do a little sample check you realize it was all lies. These types of men are chronic liars. But be warned ! when he is confronted, he quickly excuses himself by pleading “ a poor memory” There are so many men around who fit this description. Though you can also come across women, chronic liars.

This level of dishonesty and lying will severely disrupt any relationship/marriage. The behavior is so ingrained, it probably will not change easily or will not change at all. Though some of these men begin to improve during middle age and feel a certain guilt for their past dishonesty, sad others remain dishonest the rest of their lives. They will have lived lie for the rest of their lives.

b. The “avoid trouble” liar
This dude doesn’t lie all the time, only when there is pressure or a significant problem. The avoid trouble liar, as well as the born liar have one thing in common. Their lying is rarely thought out, but rather impulsive and poorly planned too. They have what we normally call in the field, a character disorder. They habitually distort reality with no apparent remorse unless they are caught. Then they fabricate the remorse to get people to “forgive them and forget”
Unlike the born liar, the liar who wants to avoid trouble only periodically lies in his relationship/marriage when he feels he is under pressure. Sometimes t s possible to bring this liar into honest communication by making his partner/woman or wife aware of the way stress triggers a dishonest reaction. She will be able to experience a more honest communication as the stresses in life are reduced.
c. The “protector liar”
This type believes the truth would be just too much to his wife/partner. So he lies to protect her. A good example is this one, the family faces a financial emergency, but only the man knows of it because he is the one who handles the checkbook. He decides to borrow without even telling his wife. He says,” Why should she lose any sleep over something like this? This problem is only temporal, I know I can handle it.” Eventually he continues to lie, saying things are very fine, when infact he puts himself under tremendous stress. He with strenuous effort, manages to pay back the loan, and the woman/wife doesn’t know at all- but at what price?

This one doesn’t have a character disorder, unlike the other two types of liars. He doesn’t resort to dishonesty in order to save face or to win his woman’s admiration. Infact his lying usually bother him day and night. But at the same time feels telling the lies is worth it, because he wants to spare the wife/partner anxiety of every disappointment and uncertainties. The falls sense of security created by a protector liar man/husband with lies and misrepresentations can be shattered in a few seconds and do almost irreparable damage and harm to a trusting marriage/relationship.

The truth of the matter s most relationships and marriages have been destroyed more by lying than all other relational problems. These so called little white lies are so destructive that most couples have become enemies instead of lovers, because of discovering these lies. To lie to protect your wife/woman, one would be guilty of the worst sort of chauvinism. The truth demolishes false impressions and illusions. Lie becomes more predictable and rational because now the woman understands her man’s behavior .The truth may be painful at times but it doesn’t drive a woman crazy, on the contrary a woman feels in control, because now she knows what she need to do to change the situation.

So they say. Great article from Lesli Taylor,M.D and Maurer,Ph.D

NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Lesli Taylor, M.

NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Lesli Taylor, M. D. and Adah Maurer, Ph. D.

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The reason most often given for choosing a child’s plump bottom as the site for physical punishment is that it is fleshy and well-padded and “there are no vital organs there.” Indeed, some say, “babies’ butts were built for busting.” Injuries that might blind, deafen, cripple, retard or permanently injure the child are thus believed to be avoided. In truth, there are many important structures in the buttock area which can be injured.Most superficially, paddling a child’s bottom with a hand or an object (wooden paddle, belt, brush) can cause soft tissue injury of various degrees, depending on the force used. It may cause only temporary reddening, raise welts or cause purple bruises. There may be bleeding of the skin if an object is used and multiple swats are given.

If a beating is more forceful, there can be bleeding deep into the muscles of the buttocks. This is called a hematoma. Autopsies of children who have died from multiple injuries, including being beaten on the buttocks, show old, deep scarring of the muscles along with the fresh bleeding from the most recent beating.

Medical reports document well the injuries that occur to the lower spine of adults from forces applied there by accidental direct blows, falls and blows sustained in car accidents. Bruising of the tailbone the coccyx, causes coccydynia, a persistent pain in the tailbone. Direct blows to the buttocks can fracture the sacrum, the large bone at the lowermost part of the spine. Many nerves pass through the sacrum to innervate the pelvic area. So profuse are the nerves at the end of the spinal cord that they are called the cauda equina, or the horse’s tail. These nerves supply motor function and sensation to the bladder, the rectum, the genitals and the legs. Tearing of these nerves by a fracture of the sacrum causes problems with bladder and bowel function, such as an inability to empty the bladder and lax rectal tone, which causes soiling. Such fractures of the sacrum are often not suspected because proper x-rays are not taken.

Thus far, doctors have paid little attention to the injuries to the spines of children that might occur from paddlings. Certainly, paddling on the buttocks could bruise the coccyx; more serious injuries, such as sacral fracture and nerve damage, could result if enough force is used. If the paddle hits below the buttocks, on the back of the upper thighs, it can bruise the sciatic nerves which are close to the surface there, and which supply motor function to the legs. This bruising can cause partial or complete paralysis of the legs, depending on the amount of injury to the nerves.

THE SEX ORGANS In the days of sailing ships, when the cat-o-nine tails was used to punish drunken or mutinous sailors, the lashes were given on the bare upper back for the stated reason that “there are no vital organs there” that could be permanently damaged. The sailor, no matter how badly his back was lacerated, was still able, after a short recuperation, to scrub decks and haul sail, to hear and obey orders. Why was the sailor beaten on the upper back, and not the buttocks? In the case of both the sailor and the child, the sites for chastisement were chosen to avoid permanent damage by destruction of vital organs. Why then the difference in site? The sailor was beaten on the upper back for the excellent reason that there is a vital organ lower down, in fact, one of the most vital organs that a man possesses. The taboo in boxing and in playground fights is the same as for the sailor: “No hitting below the belt.” The sex organs are sacrosanct.

Children, on the other hand, were considered to be sexless by the Victorians and their predecessors who pronounced, “lt’s the place Nature made for spanking.” But children are not sexless, and what is more obvious, neither are adolescents. Indeed they are especially vulnerable to stimulation of the extensive network of nerves that supply sensation to the whole area including the buttocks, the rectum and sex organs. Injuries to the sex organs and sexual functioning can occur in several ways from spankings.

Damage to the genitals by blows to the buttocks occur if the instrument hits the scrotum or if the penis is rammed against the object the child is leaning on. Injuries to the testes are not rare. In Florida, a middle school student was paddled for tossing stones at a maintenance building. Thirty minutes later, he was on the operating table, undergoing surgery on his testicles. The doctor who performed the operation stated that the paddling contributed to the aggravation of a congenital condition of the child’s testes in which their attachment to the inside of the scrotum was loose. During the paddling, one of the testicles twisted 60 degrees, cutting off the blood supply and causing excruciating pain. Another case of injury to the testes occurred when a boy was paddled on the buttocks with his legs spread apart. He suffered a testicular hematoma from bleeding into his testes.

Although their sex organs are internal, girls are not immune from injury during a paddling on the buttocks. A young woman of 17 was given six hard blows by the vice-principal for a day’s absence. She hemorrhaged for two days, and suffered nightmares and post-traumatic stress syndrome. When she was asked to testify for a Senate subcommittee, she told the lawmakers: “It was the worst pain I ever felt in my life. I felt violated.” Some school systems specify that when girls are punished, there must be a female teacher present to officiate, thus recognizing the sexual aspects of paddling “where Nature ordained.”

In his book The Naked Ape, anthropologist Desmond Morris emphasized the sexual aspects of the paddling act: “The female rump presentation posture is an appeasement gesture…with rhythmic whipping replacing the pelvic thrusts of the dominant male…lt is doubtful whether school masters would persist in this practice if they fully appreciate the fact that in reality they are performing an ancient primate form of ritual copulation with their pupils.”

Another effect of paddling on girls is demonstrated by the case of the 14-year-old Texas girl who was paddled so hard the first blow knocked her to the floor. When she attempted to crawl out of danger, the principal used his belt to strike her on the legs, arms, back, neck and head. She ran from the building and was chased by the belt-wielder until she found shelter in a friend’s home, She was treated for emotional trauma and bruises. Her menstruation stopped for several months.

Many of the nerve roots of the cauda equina supply sensation to the genitals in both males and females, and control erection in boys. Fractures of the sacrum which can tear these roots would cause loss of sensation of the genitalia and inability to attain erection in boys.

Psychosexual damage caused by excessive stimulation of the erotic zone that includes the buttocks is actually more likely to occur from a paddling than is direct or indirect injury of the genitals. This stimulation of the erotic zone can lead to subsequent distortion of the normal sexual response. David Bakan writes in his book Slaughter of the Innocents:

The buttocks are the locus for the induction of pain in a child. We are familiar with the argument that it is a safe ‘locus’ for spanking. However, the anal region is also the major erotic region at precisely the time the child is likely to be beaten there. Thus it is aptly chosen to achieve the result of deranged sexuality in adulthood.

Jean Jacque Rousseau in his Confessions described how he discovered at the age of 11 that the erotic stimulation provided by the spankings given him by a much admired schoolmistress outweighed the discomfort. To secure a repetition of the sensation, he planned ways to misbehave so he could be spanked again. He credits his adult distorted sexuality to this early experience.The discovery that the pain and pleasure centers in the brain are vulnerable to “getting their wires crossed” was made long before Freud. lan Gibson in his thoroughly documented study The English Vice: Beating, Sex and Shame in Victorian England and After traces the first book on the subject to seventeenth century Germany, to a Dr. Meibom whose thesis was “a serious attempt to establish as fact that flogging can indeed act as a stimulus to erection in the victim and to manage an explanation of this phenomenon.” Gibson describes brothels where prostitutes dressed as “strict governesses applied the birch to men who, having been subjected to this distortion in boyhood, could not function any other way. With unexpurgated quotations from English poets and men of letters, he leaves no doubt in the reader’s mind that painful punishment on the buttocks of schoolboys deranged the normal procreativity of a great many males.

Sexual abuse of children has gained much current concern. Incest and other adult misuse of the bodies of children has been found in the background of runaways and promiscuous teenagers, prompting a strong trend toward enlightened sex education. Teaching children to protect themselves against sexual abuse by learning to say, “No!” is probably a good idea but it has limited use. Children have been saying no to spankings without success. Beating on buttocks must be recognized as a form of sexual abuse just as surely as is touching any erotic zone.

D. and Adah Maurer, Ph. D.

So they say. Great article from Lesli Taylor,M.D and Maurer,Ph.D

NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Lesli Taylor, M. D. and Adah Maurer, Ph. D.

Taught and Scholed by Pain. Bits and pieces from my upcoming book.

Who Hurts?
One way or the other we are all hurting.Everybody is in the same boat,hurts all over folks.Even the laughing ones,the happy-go-lucky crowd is also hurting too.people generaly try to conceal their hurts by drinking and joking,but believe you me it doesnt go away.

Look around you,on the plane,at work,in the homes,rich and poor you name them, they all hurt.Millions and Millions of people are deeply wounded by their children who have rejected their counsel and advise.The loving parents grieve over the deception and deliquency of th children who were once tender and good.Victims of broken homes are hurting,the abandoned wives and husbands whose parntners have rejected for another woman/man are hurting.Those who were once lovers break up.A boyfriend or girlfriend walks away.trampling on what was once a beautiful relationship.All that is left is a broken,wounded heart.You tlak of those who have just lost their jobs in not so good
circumstances,the unemployed,the despondents ones whose dreams have collapsed? The shut-ins?The prisoners,the homosexuals,the alcoholics? Yes,it is true! One way or the other we are all huting,every person on this earth carries his own burden of pain.Just like me,there are some of you who are at this very moment are on the verge of giving up.You cant understand what realy is happening to you,your marriage and your home.Something is wrong you admit and you try as much as you can,you simply cant find the key to make things work out right. How many hoursd have you spent all alone,trying to figure out where things went wrong ? The magic and swagger is gone.The romance and love is gone,the empire has crumbled,the family is gone and you are just left all alone by yourself,all that you had worked for all these years is blown away like wind blowing the dry leaves.In place of these now there is questions,suspicions,cuttin remarks,arguments,innuendoes and hoplessness. What was is now the has been ! Every human being on this planet reaches that crises point at one poin or another in life.And at that time,I have learnt when the walls seem to be caving in and the roof appears to be collapsing,when everything seems to be coming apart and pain demands the upper hand,a voice deep cries out, “Just walk away from it all.Pack in ! Escape ! Why put up with it ? Run away faster than Usain Bolt,you dont have to take this anymore.Do something drastic dude.

And Job,caught up in this terrible dilemma too:Job kept saying to himself, “ I know God is there some place,looking down on me in all my troubles.He knows the way I should take,but in spite of all I do to find Him,He keeps hiding from me.In total desperation Job
sobs,”……… I am afraid of him…..The Almighty troubles me” Job 23:15,16. I know what it is to have the whole world upside down,you cant figure whether you are going or coming or just nowhere.The bottom line for Job was this: Either you cut me down or make things right;just dont be silent toward me God,At least if you just cut me off I know you are there. That same school master,which God allows us to go through despite our reluctance to go through it,”Taught and Schooled by Pain,the School of Silence,then Job realised more than ever its hurts to be hurt,it hurts and cuts real deep.During such trying times it isn`t easy to fiugre out where to go and who to talk to,but this I have learnt: “Without the nearness of God there can be no peace.

When you dont know what to do?
The few years that I have lived on planet earth,what I have found difficult to deal with is when you come to the end of the road and you dont know which other route to take.In my book I talk about
relationship failures,loss,forgiveness,having to be told you are useless and good for nothing fella,feeling like you are not worthy and dont measure up to someone,talk of rejection in relationships,betrayal and job losses which I have gone through and experienced.But nothing is more confusing as being in a crisies and you have no idea of what to do and where to go,you dont know whom to turn to or who to trust.

Truth be told,in life hardly anybody knows what to do anymore.Where the future is anybody`s guess.Psychologists and Psychiatrists are all baffled by changing forces affecting people today. They watch the break up of homes and marriages and become as confused as the rest of all mankind,as to what is happening.sad their reasons,findings and cause of break ups contradict each other.I can confdently tell you that positive thinking at this time doesnt work or help you in any way,sad to say much of preaching today is all about
self,image,positive thinking,positive confession and motivational preaching,and there is no more preahing the real word of God.Most fo the preachers dont even do the motivational presnations well,things that should be left to men and women in the field and people like,Ozias Mucheriwa of Motivcenter,Antony Robins, Willie
Jolley,Herbert Mtowo,

Bits and Pieces from my uneditted book. Taught and Schooled by Pain.-By Herbert Mtowo.

Taught and schooled by Pain
From My BOOK-coming soon( Taught and schooled by Pain-) the story of my life -Herbert Mtowo)
By Herbert Mtowo

We all experience trials,sadness and pain once in a while.In life there are times when grief and depression seem so overwhelming that most of the times we feel like throwing in the towel.I have dealt with dissapointments,rejection,death,loss,betrayal,name calling,failure and you name them all the negatives that life can throw at us,and still am dealing with them day in and day out, believe you me,I know what it is to have feelings of utter hopelessness and lost desire of living several times.

Life has strange ways of schooling us, of which a college degree certificate can`t afford us the chance. I have had the privledge to talk and write to hundreds of people,giving them hope. Little did the peole know that this Herbert was in such turmoil,pain and grief.I know growing a number of christians are at the breaking point.

This is the story of my life,bits and pieces from my upcoming book: TUAGHT AND SCHOOLED BY PAIN:to those who are going through
heartaches,pain,loss,rejection,relationships breakdown,job
loss,failure etc hope this story of my life in brief will spurr you to soldier on despite the scars and wounds your body and heart are carrying.In my up coming book; soon to be published:Taught and Schooled by Pain,of which I am indebted to millions of people all over the world,some who constantly write,phone,skype and keep in touch with me,though we have never met,but believe you me I feel you and your love and are not alone in your pain and hurts.I know there are many who have and are traveling the same foggy,bumpy and energy surping road. My sincere prayer is that God will heal your
wounds,restore your hope,your faith and give you genuine,lasting peace.

Reality of death.
Betty. ( My Mom- gone to soon).
My mom-Betty,a wonderful loving gracious and sweet woman died many years ago,that was my first real experience of death in life.little did I know that this was the beggining of trying times and very difficult experience of death,betrayal,rejection and losses to come.Just like anybody else,the message about death bothers me.I would by all means try to ignore it and even avoid thinking about it.I suspected that those who talked about it of being
morbid.Occassionally with friends we would talk about what heaven must be like,but most of the time,the subjetc of death was taboo.Thats how I have always percieved death and my circle of friends.My dad was a huge man,but for the first time on my mother`s death I saw this huge man,crumbling with pain like a deck of cards,sobbing uncontrollably my dead wept then like a baby,and that was the only time I had seen him weep.The death of my mom rocked the entire family to the very foundations,we were shaken and literally hit were it hurt most.I lost it, and to me the future was so bleak and uncertain and not sure about what tomorrow had instore ,painfully early Sunday morning my mom was taken away from us in a flash.

But if I was to meet the great apostle Paul he would tell me otherwise to him death was “our blessed hope”.But nowadays death is considered an intruder that cuts off from the good life we have become accustomed to.We have so clutttered our lives with material things;we are bogged down with life.This world has trapped us with materialism.Sure most of us can no longer bear the thought of leaving our beautiful homes,our lovely things,our charming sweethearts.We all seem to be thinking ‘ To die would be a great loss.I love the Lord, but I need my time to enjoy my real estate.I am married or getting married soon and am yet prove my oxen as a man.I need more time”What a stunted concept of God`s eternal purposes! No wonder so many christians are frightened to death by the thought of death.I have faced deaths of loved ones year in and year out,but am yet to come to terms with it.And the truth is I are far from understanding Christ`s call to forsake the world and its entanglements.God is calling us to die,to die without building memorials to ourselves,to die without worrying how we should be remembered.Our generation needs to understand the importance of a legacy and leaving behind a legacy that inspires others,than our selfish appetites for recognition.

Doulbe pain! Pain More than trippled pain,pain all around.) After the paindful death of me beloved mom, I dont know of any member of the family who didn t feel the loss,because to me she was such an angel,it seemed death was now a permanent feature in our family,one after the other they were plucked away from our midst in very painful circumstances.My world was shattered,my dreams blown away,she was to me thee woman.Then I was young to comprehemend much about death,but believe you me it was devastating.Everytime I would come back home I would imagine finding her sitting on her favourite couch,alas it wasnt to be.Rodwell (a brother) and Wife,are next in line to
go,Dad-Robson,a giant of man is plucked away too,many years after the death of his lovely wife Betty,Gersham,what a nice dude this brother of mine was,we had last met at my dad`s funeral the next thing I hear ,is he is no more,my little sister Joyline,her world and mine collapsed after the test results indicated she was HIV positive.I sought God for her healing,but that healing was a pipe dream.She died childless,hurting,dissapointed what a loving sister she God had given me.i was comforted that she had reconciled with God before she met death,I wept and lost control of myself. I began to see death and life differently,then like most of us I was angry at God,very angry at him.I thought God had issues with me and wanted to fix me for sins and crimes that had nothing to do with me.(Have you ever felt like this before ?)

After having talked to him-Shpherd( brother and fisrt born in the family) on a Monday afternoon,telling me he was planning to visit me in Widhoek, Namibia and would let me know when he has set his dates,little did I know that was the last conversation with him.On thusrsday afternoon, the same week,my brother had called me,my nephew(Clive) left a voice message on my phone,that he wanted to talk to me urgently.I was deep in the informal settlement meeting the communities,for Tere des hommes Italy,when he realised that i wasnt returning his( Nephew-Clive).He sends a message that read,” I am sorry uncle to be the one to have to tell you this,I am sorry to tell you that uncle Shephered is no more(dead),I read that message several times if not countless times,tears rolling down my cheecks,for a moment i lost it,totally lost my mind.People seldom get hurt just once,I realised.Most who hurt can show you other wounds also,pain is layered over pain.My broken heart became a very fragile one.I became vulnerable, easily hurt since then it dawned on me that I was not protected by a hard shell.Now more than ever realised ,that I really needed a thick skin to see me through life`s challenges.

Forgiveness Heals

Forgivenes Heals

Zukav describes unforgiveness as a choice to wear dark, gruesome glasses that distort everything. We are thus forced to look through these contaminated glasses on a daily basis. Holding onto grievances only causes us pain, suffering and conflict. Forgiveness is a gift for us. Forgiveness frees us, offering us peace of mind.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with condoning an action of another. We act in error because we forget our divinity. Our God-light becomes diffused causing us to be disconnected from our power. Most of our adult issues are a reflection of our childhood experiences. So many negative, fearful emotions are installed as youngsters that we become powerless. We know about family cycles. Adults running bad programs will carry out the negative programming. Something is happening inside of a person to cause any kind of hurt in another. Happy, healthy people, feeling their God-connection, don’t have negative programming to consistently hurt others.

So many times in any psychotherapy process, a client’s ability to move forward hinges on their ability to let go of a painful experience of the past. This painful experience, which may have happened many years ago, is still causing problems. It may be contributing to substance abuse, weight gain, physical issues or other kinds of difficulties. If the hurt is still within us, it causes tension that blocks our energy flow. These blockages cause disease. We feel powerless, trapped in victimhood.

The path to forgiveness may be challenging. Often our anger and resentment seem justified, and we become attached to it. However, forgiveness is taking positive action reconnecting us with our own power. We are no longer victims. Before we can experience love, we must be able to forgive, and we all deserve to love and be loved.

We all have forgiveness work to do if we are still on this planet. In hypnosis and meditation we can access our higher wisdom. This allows us to have a different perspective of an experience. I would encourage you to put yourself into this deep, prayerful state, allowing yourself to be in touch with your wise mind. Calvin Banyan, a renowned hypnotherapist, offers us some keys to forgiveness in this focused state:

1. Uncover any known causes of the hurtful behavior, leading to understanding. Consider probable causes. (An abuser usually has been abused.) I remember one of my clients looking into her mother’s eyes during hypnosis, seeing and feeling the anger and pain of her mother. She was absolutely astounded by that fact. As a child, she was totally unaware of her mother’s deep-seated pain, though she knew that her mom had lost a young child. This awareness brought a new level of understanding and compassion for her mother. Forgiveness was inevitable.
2. The offender also experienced pain because of the thing he or she did. This is not always true of course. The victim may be suffering while the offender has long forgotten the situation. Freedom is letting go, not allowing the offender to control our lives by having power over us.
3. We uncover the regret that the offender may have over the wrong or painful thing. By moving into the “wise-self,” the part of us that knows, we can speak to the “wise-part” of the offender. This is often difficult for the client to experience if they are not yet ready to let go of an issue. They often don’t want to hear that the offender regrets the actions and wants forgiveness.
4. If it is true, we discuss how the intent was not to hurt you, but rather the offender was trying to fulfill some need, want or desire. I believe that there is a positive intention driving any behavior. That’s why it is so important to separate the behavior from the intention. The negative behaviors with hidden, unconscious positive intention are the ones that cause the chronic problems.
5. If there was a positive intent, acknowledge it. For instance, I always felt my dad was very critical, but I know the intent was not to hurt me. He just had high ideals for me.
6. If you sense there is regret in the offender, allow him to express it to you. Have the offender directly ask for forgiveness.
7. Understand that the forgiveness is not for the offender. It is a gift that we give ourselves, freeing us from the past.
8. You don’t have to forget the experience. That is not required.

One of the greatest gifts that we can give ourselves is self-forgiveness. Forgiveness sets us free from our own prison. We can’t give or receive love if we can’t give it to ourselves. Forgiveness means loving us enough to free us. As we learn through our past experiences, we have the opportunity to walk the path of greatness.

Forgiveness Heals

Forgivenes Heals

Zukav describes unforgiveness as a choice to wear dark, gruesome glasses that distort everything. We are thus forced to look through these contaminated glasses on a daily basis. Holding onto grievances only causes us pain, suffering and conflict. Forgiveness is a gift for us. Forgiveness frees us, offering us peace of mind.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with condoning an action of another. We act in error because we forget our divinity. Our God-light becomes diffused causing us to be disconnected from our power. Most of our adult issues are a reflection of our childhood experiences. So many negative, fearful emotions are installed as youngsters that we become powerless. We know about family cycles. Adults running bad programs will carry out the negative programming. Something is happening inside of a person to cause any kind of hurt in another. Happy, healthy people, feeling their God-connection, don’t have negative programming to consistently hurt others.

So many times in any psychotherapy process, a client’s ability to move forward hinges on their ability to let go of a painful experience of the past. This painful experience, which may have happened many years ago, is still causing problems. It may be contributing to substance abuse, weight gain, physical issues or other kinds of difficulties. If the hurt is still within us, it causes tension that blocks our energy flow. These blockages cause disease. We feel powerless, trapped in victimhood.

The path to forgiveness may be challenging. Often our anger and resentment seem justified, and we become attached to it. However, forgiveness is taking positive action reconnecting us with our own power. We are no longer victims. Before we can experience love, we must be able to forgive, and we all deserve to love and be loved.

We all have forgiveness work to do if we are still on this planet. In hypnosis and meditation we can access our higher wisdom. This allows us to have a different perspective of an experience. I would encourage you to put yourself into this deep, prayerful state, allowing yourself to be in touch with your wise mind. Calvin Banyan, a renowned hypnotherapist, offers us some keys to forgiveness in this focused state:

1. Uncover any known causes of the hurtful behavior, leading to understanding. Consider probable causes. (An abuser usually has been abused.) I remember one of my clients looking into her mother’s eyes during hypnosis, seeing and feeling the anger and pain of her mother. She was absolutely astounded by that fact. As a child, she was totally unaware of her mother’s deep-seated pain, though she knew that her mom had lost a young child. This awareness brought a new level of understanding and compassion for her mother. Forgiveness was inevitable.
2. The offender also experienced pain because of the thing he or she did. This is not always true of course. The victim may be suffering while the offender has long forgotten the situation. Freedom is letting go, not allowing the offender to control our lives by having power over us.
3. We uncover the regret that the offender may have over the wrong or painful thing. By moving into the “wise-self,” the part of us that knows, we can speak to the “wise-part” of the offender. This is often difficult for the client to experience if they are not yet ready to let go of an issue. They often don’t want to hear that the offender regrets the actions and wants forgiveness.
4. If it is true, we discuss how the intent was not to hurt you, but rather the offender was trying to fulfill some need, want or desire. I believe that there is a positive intention driving any behavior. That’s why it is so important to separate the behavior from the intention. The negative behaviors with hidden, unconscious positive intention are the ones that cause the chronic problems.
5. If there was a positive intent, acknowledge it. For instance, I always felt my dad was very critical, but I know the intent was not to hurt me. He just had high ideals for me.
6. If you sense there is regret in the offender, allow him to express it to you. Have the offender directly ask for forgiveness.
7. Understand that the forgiveness is not for the offender. It is a gift that we give ourselves, freeing us from the past.
8. You don’t have to forget the experience. That is not required.

One of the greatest gifts that we can give ourselves is self-forgiveness. Forgiveness sets us free from our own prison. We can’t give or receive love if we can’t give it to ourselves. Forgiveness means loving us enough to free us. As we learn through our past experiences, we have the opportunity to walk the path of greatness.

Can You Afford not to forgive.

Can you afford not to forgive ( Part 1)

Thank you all for the ovwerhwelming response on the marticle on forgivness,it means a lot and that we all need to come to terms with it.Enjoy this one too.
During a deep discussion someone close to me revealed that they were unable to forgive themselves for some things they had done. They knew it was preventing them from moving forward with their dreams, but they had absolutely no idea how to get past it. Watching someone you love suffer is awful, and worse if you are witnessing needless suffering. It got me to thinking about the purpose of guilt and how to help someone, even myself, to move into a place of forgiveness.
All of us have something to forgive.
We each have something or someone to forgive…I hear it all the time in my work. Whether it’s small stuff like a thoughtless comment, or a pet who got sick on the rug, or following a slow car that made you late (the nerve!)…to the colossal things like a trusted friend who lied to you and hurt you, or the mother who refuses to let you live your own life, or the driver who fell asleep and cost you something precious. Maybe it’s wishing you hadn’t lost your temper, or your self control, or a time you regret being spiteful or impatient. Perhaps it’s wishing you had been somewhere one minute earlier, or had listened to that advice.
Life happens.
But truth be told, we all have something to forgive because life is always happening – especially when we’re not ready. There will always be opportunities to deal with situations that test us. In each event, we bring our humanness to the table and do the best we can in that moment. Ready or not, the sun will rise today, and ready or not, it will set today. In between, the wind may blow, the rain may fall, and the light may shine…all simultaneously, depending on where you are. Stuff happens.
Guilt makes martyrs.
A wise woman healer I know said that "the only function of guilt is to prevent you from taking action." Simply put: Guilt makes martyrs. It takes away your power and makes you a victim. Guilt and shame are thieves stealing the life you were born to live. It’s misdirected energy aimed at keeping you weak.
Are you a victim or a victor?
Choosing to keep yourself in the suffering and tormented place means you remain a victim. No bravery is required. This is actually not a hard choice for anyone already used to pain, because if you don’t know what it’s like to live without pain – be it physical, emotional, mental or spiritual, then on some level you are always seeking to recreate it. Victims and martyrs love pain. Victors choose peace.
Guilt exposed!
Lets be clear here. I am NOT saying that we shouldn’t feel responsible for our actions or become heartless. I am talking about using regret in a proactive way to navigate to a healing place. Guilt’s chief function is to create immobilization, inaction, pain, suffering, and martyrdom. I am saying that if you are letting personal guilt drive the vehicle of your life then you are not allowing yourself to take action and responsibility. This is about learning new tools and using the actions of the past to create a better now and a better future.
Action is courage.
Real bravery is going back to face the thing (either literally or in your heart) that you have previously done and being wiling to do it better than before. So whenever it’s possible, make amendments to those you may have hurt – including yourself! Living with an attitude that you are going to do better every day from here forward takes real courage. Action is courage!
How do you forgive yourself?
You make a choice to, no different than an alcoholic or addict chooses sobriety. You do it one day at a time, one moment at a time. You choose to take action every day and live your life up to the standards of what you now know you want. Face your fears head-on by taking positive action for a new outcome. Give yourself your FULL blessing to do better in each new moment and to stop suffering about things you did in the past. If you really want to feel better, than use your energy for doing what you can right now to show your positive changes in thinking. If you were previously unkind, then be kind now, previously thoughtless, be thoughtful now and so on. Walk your talk. That’s how living in ‘The Light’ works!
The truth will set you free.
This is how alcoholics and addicts go back to reclaim their kids, their jobs, their wives and their lives successfully every single day. They do a fearless moral inventory, go to those they have hurt or wronged when possible and give a sincere apology or amendment as an act of acknowledgement and a step of forgiveness for themselves. Guilt is no different. If you can make a heartfelt apology, do it. Take action and don’t delay. If you cannot because the person/situation isn’t available, then try writing a ceremonial letter of truth, or making a symbolic donation as acts of release and self healing. Promise to do better. Set it free.
Forgiving is not the same as forgetting.
Remember forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Part of taking care of yourself is knowing how to forgive and make discerning choices. A discerning choice means that you remember the past enough to adjust your course and avoid any ‘holes in the sidewalk’ if you see them again. If you have hurt someone they may need evidence that the ‘holes in your sidewalk’ have been patched. Your evidence is your commitment to do better each time that you realize you can, and to promptly act on it.
As you know better, you do better.
If you still can’t get beyond your past choices or behaviors, ask yourself to honestly answer this: At the time which that event(s) took place, given the information, attitude, climate, environment, precipitating factors, and everything else…did you at that time do the best you could given what you were working with? Chances are, in all honesty, the answer is ‘yes.’
What did I learn and how can I grow from this?
Answer these questions from the highest place of love. If you are STILL feeling hard on yourself, then ask what you would say to a child who had made a mistake. Would you continue to abuse them, punish them, embarrass them, berate them, belittle them, withhold love and joy from them, or make them feel awful because of their past choice? Of course not! You would forgive them and then take them by the hand and help them by asking about what other choices they might choose if something like this ever came up again. You would leave them in a state of love, action and empowerment. You would help inspire them to feel like they are learning positive things (not guilt and shame) and growing and becoming stronger because of it.
News flash!
Regardless of your age, you are that child! And you deserve to be treated the same!
Hindsight is always 20-20.
We’ve heard the expression countless times, but think about it. Looking back in the benefit of hindsight, without duress, and with the light of illumination, anyone could create a list of ‘shoulda, woulda, coulda’s’…but the only point that would serve is to help you adjust how you behave right NOW. The past is gone. The only place your power ever exists is in this moment, and if you spend all your present moments punishing yourself about the past then you are inactive (guilt driven), and continuing to steal power from yourself and hurt yourself. Use your hindsight to empower you. Make choices in the present moment that honor you, love you and respect you and those you love. Remember you did then what you knew then. As you know better now, you do better now. Period.
Suffering in your suffering.
Stop wounding yourself further. Get a grip. Once you start to punish yourself sometimes you can’t stop. Then suffering begets more suffering. It’s like sleep walking….WAKE UP! Your life is wasting!
Quit stealing from yourself.
A person who can’t forgive also can’t dream, because that person is busy looking at the past rather than at their future. If you are busy looking in your rear view mirror all the time, you can’t see where you want to go. Remember that great old adage: ‘the wake is not what drives the boat, the wake is what is left behind the boat.’ Don’t let the guilt, shame and pain of your past rob you of the opportunity you have in every moment to do it better, to do it differently. Be the captain of your boat and the good driver of your life.
Focus.
The very thing that you seek to not have (pain) is the thing you keep having! Which makes perfect sense when we apply the laws of both metaphysics and quantum physics, because The Universe will say ‘yes’ to whatever it is we focus on the most. Focus on can’t, and you can’t. Focus on will, and you shall.
Decide. Act. Leap.
Decide to live in the present moment each day and do your best to monitor your actions and choices so that you don’t slip back into an old pattern and cause pain to yourself or others. The moment you realize you just made a bad choice, stop what you are doing and correct course. It’s simple. That’s what people of character do. They continuously learn and adjust (they weren’t just born that way you know!). Whenever you realize you are off course, speak up and correct it. The quicker you do it, the quicker the peace comes. Every day that you complete using this is a day filled with empowerment. Let who you are in the ‘now’ say more about anything that can ever said about you in the past.
Can’t I just learn to live with my guilt and hope to become okay with never having what I want or risk hurting anyone again?
Sure, if you want to live the life of a martyr in a pain-filled existence never knowing healing, love, joy or peace. But no matter how long, or what you try to medicate yourself with…like distractions of work, addictions, avoidance, etc., you will never really be able to numb out far enough. So love yourself enough not to sign up for such a hellish existence – where you are essentially frozen in the time of your tragedy.

Entrepreneurs – 5 Things You Must Do Every Day to Build Your Business

By Joshua Black

If you are an entrepreneur there are a few critical tasks that you need to turn into a daily habit in order for your business to keep moving in a positive direction and to make you money. Read on to find out those key items and how you can add them to your daily routine.

Entrepreneurs have to wear many hats when a business is just starting. Many things need to be delegated to others in order for the business to run smoothly and there are a few things that you must do yourself. If you can create a habit of performing these 5 things every day, some for just a few minutes, then you will see your business grow right alongside your dreams:

1. Plan for the future a few minutes each day. Assume that your product has stopped selling all of a sudden. What direction will you take your company next? What new income stream can you add? This is a time for day dreaming and recording notes in preparation for the future. You don’t necessarily have to take action on these items, but you need to think about them daily in order to bring out the golden ideas.

2. Work on your marketing in some aspect every day to get new customers. If your prospective customers don’t know about you they won’t buy from you. Work on getting your message out every day even if it is just for a few minutes.

3. Work on closing a sale every single day. whether you are doing this on-line, on the phone, through the mail, or face-to-face you need to be selling every day. Without the close of a sale there is no business. This is not something that you can delegate all the way. even if you have a sales force you need to be out there looking for deals.

4. Develop or strengthen your business network. You need to join or create a business network where you can help others and they can help you back. This is a great place to get free customers through referrals and an excellent mentoring opportunity using the mastermind principle.

5. Contact your current customers. Don’t ever forget about the people that have already purchased from you. These are your best customers. They already like what you have to sell and they don’t cost anything to acquire. Contact your current customers frequently, even if you are just saying hello. They need to know what you have to offer and they need to know you are still breathing. They won’t seek you out. You must go to them.

Check this article on Forgiveness

Forgiveness

A friend Andrew in Pretoria.posted this to me and got really touched and thought of sharing with you folks.Enjoy it hey.

“Forgive others as you expect the Heavenly father to forgive you”. (He says 70 X 70 (490 TIMES) Just try it you will have peace and joy. A boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage. They were a loving couple and the boy was the apple of their eyes.

When the boy was around two years old, one morning the husband saw a medicine bottle open.
He was late for work so he asked the wife to cap the bottle and keep it in the cupboard.
The mother, preoccupied in the kitchen, totally forgot the matter. The boy saw the bottle and playfully went to the bottle and, fascinated with its color, drank it all. It happened to be a poisonous medicine meant for adults in small dosages.
When the child collapsed, the mother hurried him to the hospital, where he died.
The mother was stunned. She was terrified how to face her husband. When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead child, he looked at his wife and uttered just four words.
What do you think were the four words???
The husband just said “I Love You Darling”
The husband’s totally unexpected reaction is proactive behavior. The child is dead. He can never be brought back to life.
There is no point in finding fault with the mother.
Besides, if only he had taken time to keep the bottle away, this would not have happened.
No point in attaching blame. She had also lost her only child. What she needed at that moment was consolation and sympathy from the husband.
That is what he gave her.
Sometimes we spend so much time asking who is responsible or who is to blame, whether in a relationship, in a job or with the people we know. that we miss out some warmth in human relationship in giving each other support. After all, shouldn’t forgiving someone we love be the easiest thing in the world to do?
Treasure what you have. Don’t multiply pain, anguish and suffering by holding on to forgiveness.
If everyone can look at life with this kind of perspective, there would be much fewer problems in the world.
Take off all your envies, jealousies, unwillingness to forgive, selfishness, and fears and you will find things are actually not as difficult as you think.
THINK…..
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”
REMEMBER…..
Caring should be in the Heart and not in Words.
Anger should be in Words and not in the Heart.